HOW TOBLOW HER
MIND IN BED
The essential guide for any man
who wants to satisfy his woman
siski green
HOW TO BLOW HER
MIND IN BED
HOW TO BLOW HER
MIND IN BED
The essential guide for any man who wants to satisfy his woman
siski green
Copyright © 2008 by Siski Green
Cover and internal design © 2008 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Kelly Letros
Cover photo © iStockPhoto.com, JBryson
Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or
by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and
retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical
articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher,
Sourcebooks, Inc.
Published by Sourcebooks Casablanca, an imprint of Sourcebooks, Inc.
P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567–4410
(630) 961–3900
Fax: (630) 961–2168
www.sourcebooks.com
First published in 2007 by Piatkus Books Ltd, London.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Green, Siski.
How to blow her mind in bed : the essential guide for any man who
wants to satisfy his woman / Siski Green.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4022-1358-8 (alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 1-4022-1358-1 (alk. pap)
1. Sex instruction. I. Title.
HQ56.G68 2008
613.9’6082—dc22
2008032076
Printed and bound in the United States of America
DR 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
To Josecito, te amo más!
f Contents
Acknowledgments xi
Introduction xiii
1:Flirting 1
Your Silent Signals
Her Silent Come-Ons
The Approach
Real Girls Tell All
2:Kissing 25
Why You Must Kiss
Kissing Technique
Timing and Locations
Real Girls Tell All
viii C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
3:Breasts 47
Admiring Her Breasts
Knowing Her Breasts
Touching Her Breasts
Real Girls Tell All
4:Sex Positions 73
Her On Top
You On Top
On All Fours
Side By Side
Standing
Real Girls Tell All
5:Giving Oral 95
Finding Your Way
Technique
Best Positions
Real Girls Tell All
6:Getting Oral 121
First Times
Helping Her to Get It Right
Encouraging More Oral
Real Girls Tell All
Contents C ix
7:Using Your Hands On Her Body 145
Her Body
Your Touch
Her Touch
Hands-Solo Style
Real Girls Tell All
8:Sex Toys 175
Introducing Toys
Using Toys
Household Objects
Real Girls Tell All
9:Sex Fantasies 193
Her Fantasies
Your Fantasies
Real Girls Tell All
References 209
Index 215
f Acknowledgments
Thank you to my wonderful family for being supportive
without being nosy; Graeme Gourlay, an inspirational
editor and publisher, for giving me my first
career break and giving me the confidence to keep
moving forward; to Morgan Rees for encouraging
me to write about sex and relationships and to always
strive for perfection; to Jake at Conville and Walsh
for his perseverance and support.
I learned a lot by reading some other fantastic sex
books: Lou Paget’s The Big O: How to Have Them, Give
Them, and Keep Them Coming, Dr Sadie Allison’s Tickle Your
Fancy: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure, Tracey Cox’s
Superhotsex, and Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden. I’ve also
had some great advice from sex counselor Dr Pam
Spurr, psychosexual therapist Vicki Ford, and Relate
counselor Paula Hall.
xii C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
I’d also like to say thank you to Joe Mackie, Rob Kemp,
Hecks, Nicky, Pip, Ray, Jo and Justin, Elain, Kirsten,
Blommers, and anyone else I may have momentarily
forgotten—for talking, listening, and just being there.
Please see www.siskigreen.com for more about me and
to email any tips and techniques you’d like to share.
f Introduction
I view sex as I do eating: it’s an essential part of my
life, but I try hard not to take it for granted. And,
like eating, I like to think about sex even when I’m
not doing it. Just as I would consider the ingredients
I’m going to cook with, which spices to add,
and how I’ll heat it up and serve it, I’ve spent a lot
of time thinking about the different ways people
can explore sex. What makes my thoughts about sex
different, though, is that I get paid to put them on
paper—something I can’t claim for my enthusiastic
home cooking.
Since I started writing about sex five years ago, I’ve
had everyone from the plumber to family members
telling me their sexual secrets and concerns. Sex, it
seems, is something we’ve all got lots to say about,
xiv C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
only we tend not to say it out loud. That’s a shame
because, like great recipes handed down from generation
to generation, I think there are probably a lot
of fantastic sexual tricks and techniques that we could
all learn from (and if you’d like to share them, please
feel free to email them anonymously to the address
given on page xii).
So, based on what I’ve learned through my own experiences
as well as hundreds of ideas and techniques
I’ve learned from others, I’ve tried to provide an
insight into what sex is like for a woman to give you an
idea of what feels great, what she hates, and the things
she wishes you’d do more of. I want you to finish this
book feeling that you’ve got a better understanding
of women, that you’ve learned exactly how to make
her feel fantastic in bed, and, most importantly, that
you’re so charged up with new ideas that you just can’t
wait to try them out.
Remember, though, that in sex, just like in cooking,
each chef has his or her own favorite ingredients,
preferred techniques, and signature dish. This book,
like a recipe book, is here to guide and advise you—but
if you’d like to add a little more salt or a little less
pepper, keep things boiling a little longer, or skip a
particular recipe completely, please do so. There is
Introduction C xv
only one absolute rule when it comes to phenomenal
sex: there are no rules, just good advice. And that’s
what I hope to provide in this book.
1 f Flirting
Here’s a fact that may surprise you: every day you pass at
least one beautiful woman who would consider getting
naked with you. Open your eyes a little wider and you
might just see her. And experts say that most women—
beautiful or otherwise—decide whether they’d like to get
naked with you between 90 seconds and four minutes
of meeting you. Yet, despite an ever-wider variety of
ways to meet other singles—from matchmaking to
Internet dating—there are now more single men and
women than ever before. So what’s going on?
Well, to begin with, you give off the wrong signals a
lot of the time. And even when you’ve got that right,
you lack the ability to read her subtle signals. Men
are notoriously inept at reading non verbal cues
from women, and in today’s fast-paced society this
2 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
ineptitude results in hundreds, if not thousands, of
missed opportunities. In one study undertaken by
the BBC, men were twice as likely to categorize facial
expressions incorrectly when compared with women.
And yet, when scientists assessed what women were
checking out when they met a man, 55 percent of
their first impression was based on body language, 38
percent on the tone and speed of your voice, and a
paltry 7 percent on what you’re actually saying! All the
more reason to discover the surprisingly obvious ways
women show their attraction to you and use it to your
full advantage.
Your Silent Signals
See it as your shortest interview ever: you’ve got a few
minutes to convince a woman you want the job and
that she should consider you for the role of lover.
Find out what she’s thinking about your body, what
you’re wearing, and your posture.
Work your body
Believe it or not, a woman will try to size up what’s in
your underpants in the same way that you check out a
woman’s breasts or behind when you see her for the
Flirting C 3
first time. To assess this, researchers making a program
about sexual attraction filmed people walking down
the street. As a woman passed a man, she would look
at his face, then down between his legs, just as a man
looked toward a woman’s breasts and then her hips.
Most women had no idea they did this.
What is she looking for? A reasonable-sized package of
course! Size does matter; if it didn’t, humans wouldn’t
have evolved to have larger penises than their ape relatives.
Our cousins the chimps have penises half the
size of a human’s, and the poor gorilla has an average
length of just 4cm (1½ in). This would indicate that
in prehistoric times human females had a preference
for longer and bigger penises, and over time,
the average penis size grew to be approximately 15cm
(6in). So to make sure she knows you’re adequate in
the trouser department—get a proper-fitting pair of
jeans and give all the girls something to look at.
What if there’s not much to show?
If you’re a fan of baggies or you’re not convinced
your package is big enough, don’t worry—there are
plenty of other ways you can use your body to attract a
woman. The way you stand, for example, will tell her
what you’ll be like in bed. One foot behind the other
4 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
says you’re a bit shy or nervous; a wide leg stance says
you’re feeling confrontational; and standing with
your feet hip-width apart, facing toward her, says
you’re just right.
Your back and chest give out even more messages: a
stiff, upright posture will make you look like you’ll
be unloving and quite possibly uptight; sticking your
chest out too far will make you look as though you’ll
try to dominate; rounded shoulders make you look
lacking in confidence; and letting your stomach hang
out makes you look like you just don’t give a s*it.
Take a deep breath then exhale, and your shoulders
will naturally drop back and down and your chest
will fill out; lift your chin a little so that you look
confident and open; and only ever put one hand in
a pocket—two makes you look like you’re playing with
something in there.
And to give her even more to look at up top, rather
than down below, keep your hair in great condition.
Subconsciously, both men and women are attracted to
mates with strong hair, because if it shines, is vibrant
in color, and is free of dandruff, it gives the impression
you’re getting essential nutrients in your diet. A
clean, fresh-smelling head of hair will also encourage
Flirting C 5
her to nuzzle your ear or neck…and no woman will
want greasy, dirty hair on her bedroom pillows. But
don’t be put off if you haven’t got much of your own
hair—a closely shaved head is equally sexy. Touching
your shaved head as you talk to a woman is a sexy move.
The scalp is an incredibly erotic part of the body—just
ask any woman who gets a regular head massage at the
hairdresser. Moving your open hand over it, from the
nape of the neck upwards, is damned sexy, because it
draws her attention to an erotic part of your body,
your neck.
Let her know she’s sexy
So you’ve clocked a woman you’d like to get to know
better, and you want to show her you’re interested,
so you smile. Great move—just make sure you give
it your all. That first smile is like the kick off at a
football game: it sets the tone for the rest of the
game. For a fighting chance, you need to put some
effort into it; a half-hearted, close-mouthed smile
just won’t cut it. Instead, make sure your message
is clear—when you crack a genuine smile, you show
your teeth and all your facial muscles are involved.
Social anthropologist Helen Fisher has studied
sexual attraction in different cultures around the
world, and the teeth-flashing smile, along with
6 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
raised eyebrows, is a universally recognized signal of
sexual interest.
If a big toothy grin isn’t something you can bring
yourself to attempt, do the classic double take. Aside
from a smile, the double take is the single most effective
nonverbal move you can master. Catch her eye,
look away, then look back within just a few seconds,
and it’s like saying, “I can’t believe how sexy you are”
out loud. But make sure you hold her gaze for just a
few seconds longer than would normally be considered
polite on the second look, and now flash her that
warm smile.
Doing this is a real ego boost for the woman in question,
and costs you nothing at all. If she doesn’t
respond, you just go back to whatever you were
doing—drinking your beer, walking down the street,
shopping for milk—but if she does react positively,
your pathway is clear for approach, which we’ll get
to later.
Move closer
If the woman you’ve set your sights on is a colleague
or a friend of a friend, there are other nonverbal ways
you can increase your potential attraction. To begin
with, get your handshake right. Firmness is a good
Flirting C 7
start; by far the worst handshake is one where your
hand is limp and clammy. But how you look after
your hands is also important—she knows that if she
goes to bed with you, those hands are going to be all
over her.
And even if she doesn’t touch your hands, she will
notice your fingernails. If you chew them, if they’re
dirty, if they’re too long—whatever is wrong with them,
she’ll pick up on it and will be less attracted to you.
This is largely due to a subconscious assessment of
your hygiene: your fingers will be touching her in
places where germs and bacteria are easily transferred.
Where you put your hands is also a great way to get
her gaze to land where you want: if you’ve got great
biceps, let your hand move over your nut-crackers;
if you’ve got a washboard stomach, give it a little pat
or gentle rub; and touching the back of your neck is
always a winner. Lifting your arm to touch the back of
your neck with your hand does two things: it gives her
a better chance of catching your personal scent and it
reveals a sensitive part of your body, your wrists.
Showing your inner wrist is the equivalent of her
revealing her neck, an erotic body part. It’s a vulnerable,
sensitive part of your body because the blood is so
8 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
close to the surface. But solid wrists are also a sign of
strength. It’s one of the physical aspects of a man that
makes him different from a woman, and so in the same
way that you find tiny ankles or a slim neck sexy, she
finds thick wrists attractive.
You smell good!
Each of us has a genetic “odor”—and if she leans in
close or you raise your arm (to touch the back of your
head, as mentioned earlier), you’re unwittingly letting
her get a good sniff. In an Austrian study, women
were given T-shirts that had been worn by a number
of men. The women were shown photographs of the
T-shirts’ owners and were asked to smell each T-shirt
while simultaneously looking at the owner’s photo.
This was repeated a number of times, but the women
were given a different combination of T-shirts and
photos each time. When the women were asked
which T-shirt-photo combination they preferred,
each woman picked the same T-shirt that she had
picked previously, regardless of which photograph she
had been shown. The scent on the T-shirts caused the
women to see a man as more attractive, regardless of
what he actually looked like.
Flirting C 9
Attraction to a particular male scent is peculiar to
the individual woman. This “scent code” prevents
us mating with people we’re closely related to, and
helps us choose mates who will give the best chance of
healthy offspring.
Giving off “stay away” signals
Sometimes you inadvertently give out the message that
you’d rather not meet a woman—this is never more so
than when you’re with a big group of mates. If you’re
the kind of guy who goes out regularly with his mates
and never has any luck with the ladies, it could be
because you look like you’re having too much fun.
Men in a big group, particularly when they’re laughing
loud and hard, are unlikely to find much success (and
by “success” I don’t mean mauling a drunken girl;
I’m referring to attracting women who are still sober
enough to make a conscious decision).
All that standing around and making banter with your
male buddies can further hinder your chances with
the ladies. Studies have shown that men in groups are
more competitive and display competitive behavior;
this helps to raise testosterone levels, which makes you
more aggressive and louder. While these traits might
help give you raised status among your male friends,
they’re likely to scare potential girlfriends off.
10 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
To look approachable, hang out with no more than
two other friends, and if you see someone who catches
your eye, stand slightly apart from the others, and
indicate your interest with the all-important smile
and double take. If you shake off some mates, you’ll
get far more dates.
Wearing it well
You have a few more tricks up your sleeve—but make
sure that sleeve is cashmere. A woman’s love of cashmere
and silk isn’t about material wealth; it’s about
enjoying how those materials feel. For example, cashmere
feels particularly soft because it has finer hairs
than sheep’s wool (the very softest is gathered from
the Cashmere goat’s underbelly). Think about how
your clothes feel as well as look, and you’ll find women
getting a lot more hands-on with you.
How your clothes fit is really important, too. When
female readers of several women’s magazines were
asked to say how they’d improve men’s looks, 44
percent said they’d prefer them to wear snug sweaters
rather than shapeless and baggy ones; 55 percent
said your jeans are too loose; and 37 percent said
your suit needs to be tailored properly. She doesn’t
want you to look like you spend hours in front of
Flirting C 11
the mirror—she just wants to see that manly body
under all those layers. Use a tape measure around
your chest to find what size you should be wearing,
and ask for a proper fitting when you next go clothes
shopping. Better still, ask a female friend to come
with you to advise.
And one final word of warning: be extremely wary
of leather clothing. Like fast, red sports cars, leather
jackets usually contain unattractive men trying to look
good/young/rich. Lose it. If you’re overweight, a
leather jacket will serve only to draw attention to your
size. If you’re slim, a leather jacket can make you look
pigeon-chested.
Make sure your jacket fits properly on your shoulders;
one that hangs over the edges of your shoulders makes
them look rounded and your posture bad. Instead,
draw attention to your slimness with a fitted style.
The shoes, the shoes
If you’ve put all this effort into your clothing, don’t
forget your shoes. It is a cliché, but for good reason,
that women do judge you by what’s on your feet.
Caring about how the shoes work with the rest of
your outfit, and keeping them clean and relatively
new-looking, shows that you pay attention to detail.
12 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
That’s attractive in a man. A man who cares enough
to keep his shoes shining, and ensures they match
his trousers and socks, will also care enough to know
that she likes freesias rather than roses, a cappuccino
rather than a latte, or a kiss on the forehead before
she goes to sleep.
Her Silent Come-Ons
Now for those non verbal cues she’s giving you, the
ones you’re usually oblivious to. Spend some time
watching other men and women interact with each
other and you’ll observe most of these signs.
She’s looking hot!
So she’s made an effort to look good—had her hair
done and bought a new dress—and your tongue is
scraping the floor as you watch her walk through the
room. But, the sad truth is that you’re actually less
likely to succeed when she’s looking her finest.
She may have gone to the hair salon with the intention
of looking her best, and it may even be that
she’s done it with the intention of catching a man’s
eye. It may even be your eye she wants to catch.
It’s unfortunate, but drawing lots of attention to
Flirting C 13
herself in this way will mean she’ll be getting lots
of people—men and women—talking to her, taking
up her time, and distracting her from you, or any
other man for that matter.
Don’t get disheartened, however, because there are
certain days when single women are more likely to find
you attractive. Studies have shown that when women
are at their most fertile—14 days before the first day
of their period—they are also at their most easily
aroused. And a study undertaken in Austria assessed
how much clothing women were wearing when going
out to a nightclub at different times of the month.
They were found to wear far more revealing clothing
at their most fertile time of the month. (The same
change was not observed in women on the contraceptive
pill, however.)
Who turned the heat up?
Body heat has more to tell you about how she’s
feeling. If she’s attracted to you, and you’re talking,
her attraction could cause her to shed some layers
of clothing. When she feels sexual attraction, blood
rushes to her cheeks, her lips, and her genitals, and
her body temperature rises a little, making her look
and feel flushed.
14 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Most of these physiological symptoms are emulated by
her through the use of make-up—women spend vast
sums on blush and lipstick in order to look more
beautiful, but few realize that they’re simply mimicking
a natural state of sexual arousal.
And if you experience “butterflies” in your stomach
when you look at her or touch her, you’re also feeling
a physiological response to sexual arousal. As blood
rushes to your genitals in anticipation of sex, it
drains from the stomach, creating that funny feeling
in your stomach.
Recognizing the look of lust
Despite what most erotic magazines and films might
lead you to believe, a non-smiling, smoldering look
isn’t the best indicator that she wants to get naked
with you. She’s far more likely to giggle like an idiot
when she’s attracted to you. Studies of women and
their interactions with men have revealed that flirtation
has the same pattern in any culture—she lowers
her chin, raises her eyes, and covers her face as she
laughs. You didn’t really think your one-liners were
funny, did you?
Once you’re talking, check out her eyes—is she
blinking a lot? It’s not because she’s got something in
Flirting C 15
her eye, it’s because she likes you. Batting her eyelids,
fluttering her eyelashes, making eyes at you—whatever
you want to call it, blinking is a sure sign of attraction.
Studies have revealed that women blink more
times per minute when they find a man sexy.
Keep looking at her eyes for more clues: where she
moves them when looking at your face is a good indicator
of attraction, too. We all look at people’s mouths
when we talk, but with someone we’re attracted to, we
do it more often. If her eyes move from yours down
to your mouth, back up and back down again rather
than just occasionally wandering to your mouth, then
you could be in for a good night. Be aware, though, if
you’re in a loud venue, she may just be lip-reading!
The Approach
Now you know how to catch her eye, find the right
place and the best way to make your approach.
Find your place
Bars and pubs are full of partner-hungry people—you
can almost smell the desperation in the air. Instead,
approach women in places they don’t expect it. Here
are some places to try:
16 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Department stores/unisex clothes shops
Shops are a virtually untapped date resource. The
only men seen there are usually sitting outside the
changing rooms looking miserable, and yet meeting a
woman is easier here than in a bar or pub.
The trick:
Ask her advice and explain that you’re buying
something for your sister or another female relative.
This lets her know you’re single, otherwise
you’d have asked your girlfriend/wife for advice,
and it gives you an opportunity to engage her in
conversation.
Music concerts
Having a common interest gives you an opportunity
to talk to each other, plus it gives you a great excuse to
ask her on a second date—to another concert.
The trick:
Before you head out to a concert with the aim of
meeting a woman, research other similar events
or bands playing in the near future so that you
can ask her to join you.
Flirting C 17
Salsa class
A higher ratio of women to men attend dancing classes
and the sexy, close style of salsa is a great way to break
down barriers and get comfortable with strangers.
The trick:
Learn some of the moves at a small salsa class,
then move to a bigger group. Showing her you’ve
got some level of skill will impress her and make
you look smoother on the dance floor.
Walking the dog
Men who care about animals are seen as being more
caring overall—something women look out for.
The trick:
Ask her about her dog. Or, if she doesn’t have
one, tell her about yours. Don’t do this if you’re
in a secluded spot—approaching a woman in a
place like that is just plain scary.
Getting your approach style right
Women love the cheeky guy best. Of course, there are
exceptions—some women prefer the strong, silent
18 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
type, or the deep thinker, or even arrogant know-italls—
but cheeky guys get the best overall results.
Teasing is a form of affection in many cultures. It’s a
way to get people relaxed and laughing, but it is also a
form of flirtation. Like play fighting at school, it’s a
way of encouraging interaction, and if you can achieve
getting someone of the opposite sex riled, it’s often a
good indicator that they like you. Women tend not
to get so irritated with people they don’t care about
at all.
Where to draw the line
Not sure how to differentiate between cheeky and
plain rude? Use this brief guide:
Cheeky Tickling her.
Plain rude Pinching her bottom.
Cheeky Laughing when she says something
silly.
Plain rude Laughing when she trips or spills
a drink.
Cheeky Coyly asking her to feed you a
mouthful of what she’s eating.
Flirting C 19
Plain rude Grabbing a chip off her plate.
Cheeky Saying, “You’re quiet now, but I
bet that when you let loose, you
really go wild.”
Plain rude Saying, “You’re quiet now, but I
bet you’re a screamer in bed.”
Getting your “sell” right
When you’re talking about your life, make everything
positive for at least the first five dates. That doesn’t
mean you have to say your life is fantastic when it’s
not, but you must avoid telling her about your problems
at work, difficulties with your family or bad feelings
about the world in general. That can all come
later. Women are naturally inclined to listen, and she
may even seem to be encouraging you to talk through
any problems, but telling her your negative thoughts
at such an early stage won’t make her want to get you
naked. Worse, rather than having had a fun night
filled with laughter, she’ll leave the date feeling like
she’s helped you through your problems—that’s nice
but not sexy.
And while you’re there, aim to show her that you do
interesting things with your spare time—mention your
20 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
drumming class or your love of Tai Bo, for example,
and she’s likely to find you more attractive. Women are
naturally attracted to men who display varying abilities
and adaptability. She may not have any personal interest
in your hobby or pastime, but the fact that you’ve got
one shows you’re not a one-dimensional guy.
Don’t talk about any one part of your life for more
than a few minutes at a time—it will give that aspect
too big an emphasis. A man who has spent too long a
time focusing on one particular aspect of his life, be it
his body, his career, or eating, comes across as obsessive
and single-minded—not great traits for a healthy
relationship. A balanced individual who takes care and
interest in all these areas is far more attractive.
Time to ask her out!
You’ve been talking, the pub’s about to close, the
café owner is giving you dagger looks, or the museum
security guard is ushering you toward the exit—now is
the time to do your asking. Do it!
I’ll admit it, not every woman you meet would like to
lock lips with you, but the biggest complaint from single
women is that men simply don’t ask, so take the chance
whenever you can. During an informal experiment
Flirting C 21
undertaken for use in a television program, male
participants were told to go up to complete strangers
and ask these women if they would sleep with them that
night. They didn’t ask for a date, or for a chat—they
asked straight out if the woman would sleep with them.
One out of ten said yes—without any chatting up or
preamble. Just imagine what would happen if you
asked ten women out. Take any opportunity you can.
When you ask her out, be careful about what you
suggest. If she was a total stranger before tonight,
chances are an offer of dinner might be too full on.
Unless she knows you, it’s difficult to say yes to a drink,
let alone a dinner date, even if she thinks you’re sexy as
hell—after all, you could be a psycho. So, to forestall
any concerns she might have, ask her to bring a friend
or offer to meet her somewhere she’ll feel safe.
Do some research: find out what concerts, gigs,
club nights are on, and so on, then use this in your
approach. Explain that you’re going and why it’ll be
good, then suggest she and a friend come along. Not
only is this a more casual way to ask a woman out; it
also means that she can bring a friend, so she’ll feel
safe in the knowledge that she can get to know you
with her friend as backup if she wants to leave.
22 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Bring a friend along, too. Meeting up in a group
situation takes the pressure off both of you. Conversation
is easier to keep flowing and she’s more likely
to be confident and relaxed in the company of a
friend—and who knows, maybe your friend and hers
will get it together as well. Double dating really does
have its advantages.
Real Girls Tell All
SERENA explains why she fell for her current boyfriend:
“I was wearing a boldly patterned flowery dress and
having a good time in the pub with my friends,
when John passed me on his way to the bar. He
stopped, flashed me a big smile, and said, “Only a
sexy princess like you could carry off my grandma’s
curtains,” and pointed to my dress. I was insulted,
of course, but I was also flattered. I laughed, but
I kind of wanted to get back at him, too. Luckily,
when he was coming back from the bar, someone
accidentally nudged him and he spilt beer down
the front of his trousers. It did look like he’d had
an accident in the toilet. I laughed and said, “Was
Flirting C 23
it time to go?” I thought he’d be annoyed, or at
least embarrassed, but he just flashed me another
one of those smiles, winked, and said, “Time to
go? I’m ready whenever you are…just let me get
my coat.” Then we started chatting and he kept
making me laugh, teasing me and being silly. By
the end of the night, all I wanted to do was get
him out of there so I could give him a big kiss.
Which is exactly what I did!”
WENDY on the best one-night stand she’s ever had:
“The minute I saw him I knew I wanted to get
naked with him. He was average looking, but
he gave me a beaming smile across the bar—his
eyes really lit up as though he’d seen something
amazing. He had great shoulders, I could see that
through the casual sports jersey he was wearing,
and he had fantastic hands—good, strong fingers
but with smooth skin. I could easily imagine them
on my body. We made love all night. I say “made
love,” although clearly we weren’t in love, as we
hardly knew each other, but it felt like very warm,
affectionate, passionate sex. Not like you’d expect
24 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
a one-night stand to be. There was lots of kissing,
and exploring each other’s bodies—I did things I
hadn’t before, like touching myself while I was on
top so he could see—it was just brilliant.
“We had hardly spoken to each other during the
night, it had all been sex and sleep, and somehow
we both knew it was just a one-night thing. In the
morning we had sex one more time and I left.
Kissing good-bye, we both grinned at each other.
Never underestimate the power of a smile!”
KIRSTY describes how she met her husband:
“I’d been Internet dating for quite a while before
I met my husband. He was really friendly and told
me he really liked my shoes. I’d only bought them
that day, so I was pleased and also impressed that
he’d noticed. Talking to him was easy, and I found
myself using excuses to keep touching his arm. By
the end of the night I knew I definitely wanted
to see him again. We kissed as we said good-bye
and I saw him again a few days later. We’ve been
married for a year and a half now.”
f2
Kissing
Kissing is a language all of its own—it has grammar
and punctuation, and some people are better at using
it to their advantage than others. In kissing, just like
language, your “sentences” should never be so long
that you run out of breath. You have “punctuation”
in the form of breathing stops, like commas, and
exclamation marks if the kiss goes particularly well.
Just like using words to express yourself, kissing can
say a thousand things, too: hello, good-bye, I love you,
I want you, and so on. And the way you kiss not only
sends out a signal about the message you’re trying to
convey, it also tells a potential mate whether or not
she wants to take it any further. Kissing is your key
to convincing any woman to get into bed with you, to
love you, and to choose you as her partner.
26 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Why You Must Kiss
The moment your lips meet hers, several decisions
are made: will she go to your place? Will she see you
again? Will she fall in love with you? To understand
why, read on.
Chemical reactions
People really can go weak at the knees with a kiss—the
chemical reaction in your body is intense, and it’s
all because your body is preparing for sex. A simple
kiss not only requires 20 muscles to coordinate but
also the process sets off a chain of other reactions
in your body: the hypothalamus in your brain activates
neurons; the pituitary gland secretes hormones
to target the ovaries and testes; and a release of
dopamine, endorphins, and phenyl ethylamine is
triggered, and attaches to pleasure receptors in the
brain, giving you a feeling of giddy euphoria. Chemical
cues are sent through the spinal cord, and then
the adrenal glands begin to produce and secrete nor
epinephrine and epinephrine (otherwise known as
adrenalin). This in turn increases your heart rate
and hastens the breakdown of glycogen in your
muscles and liver, to help provide you with energy
for the sex to come.
Kissing C 27
How do you know she likes you?
The girl can’t help it. Looking at someone’s mouth
when you’re attracted to them is instinctive, and most
people do it without even realizing it. Although we
also look at friends’ mouths when they talk, we do it
less frequently, preferring to look them in the eyes.
Count how many times she does it in between looking
at your eyes—people who are attracted to each other
tend to move in a near-constant triangle from eye to
eye to mouth and round again.
The handy thing about this is that when you lean in
to kiss her, she’s prepared because she’s focused on
your lips anyway. Watch two people kiss and see how
their eyes wander to each other’s lips just beforehand.
If her eyes are locked on your lips, your runway is clear
for approach. Just make sure it’s a soft landing…(see
“Kissing Technique,” pages 31-40, for kissing skills).
Kissing someone new
When you kiss someone new, your body releases
dopamine and norepinephrine, two natural stimulants
that give you that feel-good rush. Over months, as you
get used to kissing each other, your body doesn’t release
the same amount and so it doesn’t feel quite so exciting
anymore—the result is that you both tend not to kiss
28 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
for as long as you used to or as often. But, by making
the effort to kiss, you’re still creating a whirl of activity
in your body. Kissing stimulates the brain. There are a
huge number of receptors devoted to picking up sensations
from the lips—these helped our ancestors discern
whether food was poisonous or not. And it’s this extrasensitivity
that makes kissing feel so great.
Bad kisses
A bad kiss pulls the curtains on a relationship faster
than anything about your appearance or that you can
say. But a bad kiss doesn’t necessarily mean bad technique.
Of course, if you smash your face into hers,
grind your teeth against her lips, and slobber down
her chin, she may be wondering how long it’ll take to
teach you how to do it properly, but even so, she may
find your kiss is the one she’s looking for. Why? It’s
all down to chemicals. Women can smell whether they
find you attractive or not. (See You Smell Good!” on
page 8). This effect is due to her subconscious desire
to mate with a suitable male—to increase her potential
offspring’s survival, a woman needs to choose a man
with very different disease-fighting abilities from her
own. And that’s the information she gains from your
odor. If it’s different enough from hers, she’ll find
you attractive. This also explains why, despite millions
Kissing C 29
of dollars being spent on aftershave and cologne each
year, 58 percent of women would rather you didn’t
smell of anything at all (according to a survey undertaken
by four women’s magazines).
So what can you do about it? Not much. But you can
ease your worries if a woman doesn’t return your calls
after the first kiss by telling yourself that she didn’t
have the right genes for you anyway.
Kissing keeps you a couple
There’s a direct correlation between how much time
you spend kissing and satisfaction in the relationship.
In fact, psychologists can predict a break up on the
basis of lack of kissing and cuddling, in a marriage.
One reason kissing is so intimate is because it doesn’t
involve the genitals, and therefore you’re not doing it
for selfish reasons—that is, to give yourself an orgasm.
But it’s also because being face-to-face with your
partner makes it a loving act that’s difficult to fake. If
you don’t kiss her, or you only kiss her before you want
sex, that genuine intimacy is lost. You don’t have to
stick your tongue in her mouth every time you see her
to maintain that closeness. In fact, the inside of her
mouth has fewer nerve endings than the red-colored
part outside. Kissing her on the lips with your mouth
30 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
closed can be very sensuous if you let your mouth
linger on hers, pull away, and kiss her again. Do it
when she least expects it—when you’re out shopping
or in the car, for example—and it’s guaranteed to
make her really smile.
While sex without kissing can and does happen—hey, it
might even be great—you’re missing a trick by omitting
it. Lip language is key to arousal and gives her a good
sense of how you feel about her while you’re having sex.
And kissing hello and good-bye are, like I said earlier,
the punctuation marks of your loving language. Making
the effort to kiss when you say hello—pausing, looking
into her eyes, putting your hands around her face, and
gently pressing your lips to hers—tells her you’ve been
thinking about her, you’ve missed her, and you want
to show her how you feel. A look from your partner
can trigger memories and fantasies within the brain.
Signals from the visual parts of the brain are transmitted
to the hypothalamus, where they influence the
start of sexual behavior. You can’t buy that effect with
any gift, no matter how big—it’s all in your eyes.
A kiss can speak a thousand words
Kissing is great for so many reasons: it’s not just for
sex; often it can say “Sorry” more effectively than a
Kissing C 31
thousand words. But to work it’s got to be genuine,
and if you’re saying “Sorry,” tongues are banned. This
is an intimate, loving kiss, where you look into her
eyes to let her know she can trust you, where your lips
are soft on hers so she knows you’re sorry, and where
your hands are around her face so she gets the message
that you’re being serious. By kissing you’ll help release
some feel-good chemicals in her brain and yours,
helping you both to overcome your mood.
Note: Never, ever kiss her during an argument if she’s
talking. In your mind it might be a romantic
way of saying, “I love you and I’m sorry, so
please stop having a go at me.” In a woman’s
mind, it’s the equivalent of saying, “Shut up,
you silly bitch.” Steer clear.
Kissing Technique
A woman will dismiss a potential lover based solely on
her enjoyment of the first time your lips meet—and
she will also make the decision to go home with you
based on it. There’s no single “magic” technique that
works for all women, but there are a few guidelines
that will help.
32 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Moving in
She snuggles in, so you both know she’s interested,
but then her head is stuck to your shoulder making
that lips-meet-lips position difficult to engineer. In
an ideal world, she raises her head toward you after
you’ve just said something charming…you lean in
and you kiss. In the real world, she’s far more likely
to remain glued to your shoulder all the way home,
leading to a fumbling, embarrassing attempt at a
good-bye kiss.
The trick is to use your hands, or the hand furthest
from her, more specifically. All you need to do is move
it to the side of her face, so your fingers rest on her
jawbone and up toward her ear, and say pretty much
anything in a soft voice: “I had a great time tonight”
or “You’re great” or even “Are you OK?” Turn your
head toward hers as you speak and you simply can’t get
an easier approach for a kiss. It will happen so naturally,
you won’t even be able to remember who moved
toward whom. In fact, when you’ve been a couple for
several months, you’ll probably argue with each other
about who made the move.
The first kiss
Although the first kiss will tell her if she wants to go
to bed with you, share her life with you, or even have
Kissing C 33
your children, it doesn’t have to be a perfect kiss in
terms of technique. Nervous anticipation can cause
you both to make jerky movements, and navigating
your way around a new lover’s nose, lips, and teeth
can also take getting used to. But it’s highly unlikely
she’ll be blaming you if your teeth crash together,
your lips are slightly off-center, or you can’t quite
coordinate your tongue movements—she’s far more
likely to blame herself, so don’t worry about it.
How to kiss
Once the initial lip landing has taken place, however
clumsy, it’s time to enjoy the kiss. Many men are too
nervous to take time exploring a woman’s lips, her
tongue and face—but that’s exactly what you need to
do right now so that this kiss begins to feel amazing.
Darting your tongue in and out like a lizard is a
no-no; swirling her tongue firmly round and round
using yours is another; keeping your tongue in your
mouth is also a mistake.
Here’s what to do. First, imagine that kissing this
woman is your only goal, you don’t need to feel her
breasts or have sex with her because you find her
lips and tongue so amazing that you could just do it
forever. If you can give her this impression with your
kiss, she’s yours. Now let your lips meet, kiss, let her
34 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
open her mouth, then allow your tongue a little way
into her mouth, then part your lips a little further,
exploring her tongue with yours more fully. Always
move away very slightly every now and again so that
you can both breathe, and try not to block off her
entire mouth with yours—you’re not trying to give her
mouth-to-mouth, and it’s far sexier to let your lips
and tongue meet, and move around each other.
Try not to get hooked on having your tongue hung up
inside her mouth: too many men forget to punctuate
their tongue swordplay with closed or partially closed
kissing. If you stick at open-mouthed kissing for too
long, it begins to feel very boring, as well as tiring.
Stopping at regular intervals helps to calm you both
enough that you’ll be able to fully appreciate kissing
each other, rather than just feeling nervous, and it
also feels affectionate and sexy.
Practicing
Get hold of a very ripe peach or mango and take a
bite, then kiss and lick the flesh without breaking even
the smallest piece off but while still getting a taste of
the juice. That’s how you should kiss a woman. And if
you tell her kissing her is like eating delicious, sweet
fruit, you’ll earn extra points for an original compliment,
too.
Kissing C 35
Breathing stops are like commas in your kissing
sentences—without them the sentence, and the kiss,
become labored and less pleasurable. It’s not necessary
to break away from her; take a deep breath then
dive back in instead. Use the breathing space as an
opportunity to kiss her even more gently or to look
into her eyes or to kiss her on the side of her lips, her
nose, wherever. This creates variety as well as letting
you both get a bit of much-needed oxygen to those
excitedly pumping hearts.
Continuing the kiss
It’s impossible to overemphasize: you can’t kiss a
woman for too long. If she wants to move things
forward and you’ve been kissing for a long time,
she’ll let you know—and it’s far more flattering to
have a woman undo her own top for you than to have
her slap your hand or brusquely move it from her
breast because she wasn’t ready to take it to the next
stage. And remember that women, like men, love to
be teased. One of the biggest turn-ons for women is
for a man to be very attracted to her, to be passionate
but to hold back a little, making her want him even
more. You’d be surprised to discover how many
shy kitten-like women turn into tigers when they’re
teased a little.
36 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
There are times for hard, powerful kissing and times
for soft, gentle kissing. If you’re in a spontaneous
and sweaty clinch in an alley, in a club toilet, or up
against the wall of a corridor outside your apartment,
then hot and heavy is probably the way to go. But as a
general rule, soft, explorative kissing and touching is
going to arouse her far more.
This isn’t just due to women being soft and sensitive—
far from it, she may well be shouting “Harder!” at you
later—no, this is about nerve endings. Nerves respond
more effectively to very gentle touching than they do
to a firm touch. Test your own responses like this:
using a pen-lid or a spoon, whichever is handiest,
move it over the back of your hand only just touching
the hairs on it. Feel that? Now press firmly over the
same area. No tingles there. Enough said.
You’re probably thinking, “How can I win?” Too
hard and she won’t enjoy it, too soft and she’ll think
you’re a wuss. But by too soft I mean with no effort.
Your lips can be soft but they need to meld with hers
so that all those nerve endings get titillated.
Your tongue needn’t be a hard rod of steel as it thrusts
into her mouth like a sexual metaphor, but if it lies
limp and lifeless in the bottom of her mouth, she’s
Kissing C 37
going to wonder if she forgot to spit her chewing gum
out earlier! Again, use the ripe peach or mango to get
the right tongue tension. If your tongue is so hard
it’s poking holes in the flesh of the peach you need to
soften up a little; if you’re barely managing to lick off
any juice, it’s too soft.
Unless you’re both already tearing at each other’s
clothes, this kind of very passionate, dramatic kissing
style is best avoided for first kisses. By diving in and
going for full explorative thrusts with your tongue,
you’ll give her the impression you’ll be like that in
bed, too. She’ll imagine a guy who won’t bother with
foreplay and will penetrate as soon as her clothes are
off, thrusting until he’s done. And that means you’re
going home alone.
Kiss first, touch later
Kissing is the most erotic thing you can do to a
woman. Heading straight for the money—that is, her
breasts or between her legs—is like eating your dinner
before you’ve even sat down at the table.
Plus, her lips are an erogenous zone to compare easily
with her breasts. Because lips are also used to identify
food and are therefore essential for day-to-day
survival, five of the twelve cranial nerves that affect
38 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
brain function are involved when you kiss. Kissing
her is a sure fire route to getting her fully aroused
and wanting sex—then it’ll be her grabbing your hand
to put it between her legs.
Making it more than a kiss
Kissing is about so much more than your lips and
tongue—it’s about your eyes, your torso and, most
importantly, your hands. Cupping your hands
around her face as you kiss her makes her feel loved
and adored; slipping your hand around the back of
her head and sliding your hands into the hair at the
nape of her neck will give her shivers of pleasure; and
sliding one hand sexily right into the small of her
back as you pull her waist toward you will make her
feel dominated as well as womanly. Put your hand just
below her hip so that your thumb is almost, very nearly
touching the outer area of her pubic region, and that
teasing effect will have her wanting you even more.
Slide your hand up the side of her body, keeping your
hand further toward the back of her body with just
your thumb close to her breast and let it graze the
outside of her breasts as you do so, and all the nerve
endings in her breasts will be alert and at the ready.
Take her, she’s yours.
Kissing C 39
Kissing turn-offs
Oh dear. Bad breath is the number-one turn-off
when it comes to kissing. And when you consider that
women are assessing you as a potential mate based on
your scent, it’s not hard to imagine why: your bad
breath says bad diet, bad hygiene, bad health. Don’t
bother asking friends if your breath smells—most will
lie to save your ego. Instead, lick the inside of your
wrist. Let it dry and then smell the patch. If it reeks,
so does your breath.
Aside from brushing and flossing your teeth regularly,
tongue scraping is one of the most effective
ways to reduce bad breath. A lot of bacteria collect
at the back of your tongue so removing them may
help your kissing problems. If in any doubt, visit a
dental hygienist who can give your entire mouth a
once over.
And drink, drink, drink. No, not beer—water. Not
only does this flush your system, helping your body
remove toxins that could be causing bad smells, it
moistens your mouth and throat so that bacteria are
less likely to get a hold.
One final thought to throw into the mix: in a survey of
the female staff of four major U.S. women’s magazines,
40 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
a massive 19.4 percent said they liked it when their
man smelled of scotch. Worth a shot?
Spit happens
If you’re kissing passionately and tongues are
involved, there’s likely to be a little bit of dribble
somewhere on both of you. The key is not to insult
her by wiping your mouth obviously and instead to
take the responsibility: move away from her face,
gently take her chin in your hand, and say, “Sorry,”
as you gently wipe away any moisture from her lips.
Touch her lips and look at them as you do so—this
is incredibly sexy—then, as if you’re so turned on
by looking at her luscious lips that you can’t help
it, kiss her again. She’ll feel like you care, and are a
gentleman, but also that you find her irresistible—
an incredible turn-on.
Timing and Locations
Where and when you do it can change an average kiss
into a phenomenal one. I’ve picked out some times
and places that will have her weak at the knees with just
a simple peck on the lips.
Kissing C 41
In bad weather
Films are to blame for this one. Script writers have
romantic couples kissing in the most uncomfortable
and awkward of situations for good reason: if you feel
so strongly about each other, and want to kiss each
other so badly that you’re willing to get soaked to the
bone, or blown away by gale-force winds, it shows
that your desire is utterly and totally powerful, overwhelming
even. And that’s sexy as well as romantic.
To make it extra special—and probably the kind of
moment she’ll tell her friends about, write in her
diary, or remind you of when you’ve been married
for ten years—take your coat/jacket/newspaper and
put it over your heads as you kiss her, laughing. You’ll
be creating your own cinematic moment.
Other locations or moments that work well are: at a
busy train station (especially through a train window
or door), in a field with long grass, on a windswept
beach, on top of a mountain, or in the snow (and if
it’s cold, always wrap her up in your own coat while
you’re still wearing it, so she’s tucked inside—it’s cozy
and gets her very close).
42 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Just like the movies
A lot of the things that women find most romantic
are based on things they’ve seen in films. And more
than standard lip or neck kissing, kissing on the forehead
always indicates that the leading man truly loves
his leading lady. It’s protective and sweet—which, if
you’ve just had an amazing night of passionate sex,
will seal the deal for future encounters. Similarly,
kissing her on her shoulder if she’s wearing a strappy
top is an erotic move you can get away with in public
and it’ll make her feel really sexy.
Reunited with a kiss
You’ve just arrived back from a trip and you’re in the
middle of a crowd—perfect timing for a heartfelt kiss.
This is a tricky one, as you might not want to get in
the way of the crowds and your mind’s probably on
things like where the car is, your luggage, and so on.
But now, more than ever, you need to give her a few
moments of your time. It’s important to look into her
eyes before and after you kiss her, rather than immediately
looking up to see where the exit is or if someone’s
stolen your suitcase. Focus on the moment—kiss
her slowly and gently, look into her eyes, and then say,
“It’s so good to see you. Come on, let’s go home.” Fail
to say hello properly like this, and you’ll be paying
Kissing C 43
the price for the rest of the night, maybe even the
week. She needs to know how you feel immediately;
otherwise she’ll be hurt and that means it’ll be harder
for her to open up and relax with you, let alone get
turned on enough to make love to you later.
Meeting your friends
Public displays of affection can be disgusting or sweet.
There’s no need to swirl your tongue around her
larynx in order to show her you care; a simple kiss on
the shoulder while you’re out is more than enough,
better even, than a kiss on the mouth. It’s your subtle
way of telling her you’re thinking of her, even though
you may have been talking about football or baseball
for the last 30 minutes, that you appreciate her being
there, and, most importantly, that you’re not afraid
for your friends to know how important she is to you.
All these things count as major brownie points—you’ll
reap the rewards manifold later.
Recreating teenage excitement
To recreate that teenage excitement, kiss her when
you’re somewhere it can’t go any further. Kissing for
the sake of kissing is what makes it exciting again. Do
it on a street corner, on the train, or in the kitchen
while your guests are waiting in the dining room.
There really, truly is no better way to rev up the excitement
levels in a relationship.
Real Girls Tell All
LINDA describes the kiss that led to her marriage:
“We were sitting on a bench on top of a hill. It
was a hot, humid day, overcast but sticky. We’d
just walked quite a way so we were both a bit
sweaty really, and so we sat quite far apart and just
gazed out at the view. I had some water and we
drank some, then suddenly rain started pouring
down. At first, we both panicked a bit, not really
knowing where to go or run to. But then we
started laughing and we both stood up to turn
our bodies toward the rain. He took my hand
and I can’t really remember how, but we ended
up kissing. The rain stopped almost as quickly as
it started, but we carried on kissing and kissing
and kissing…and now we’re married.”
44 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Kissing C 45
GAIL describes her best kiss:
“He had the softest lips I’d ever seen. It was like
dipping your lips in whipped cream, and I felt like
I melted when we first kissed. My eyes shut and it
really felt as though nothing existed, like my body
had disappeared. I really wasn’t even aware of
myself. He had this way of opening my lips with
his tongue, ever so gently, and then moving it
along the inside of my lips and the outside, too,
as if he wanted to taste me. He’d kiss the corners
of my mouth and all around the edges and he’d
make me feel like the most special woman in the
world. If only his personality had been as good as
his kiss, I might have stuck with it!’”
SUZY describes the best kissing technique:
“I like it passionate and powerful. I want a man
to push me up against a wall and press his lips
against mine—then I know how much he wants
46 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
me. I want his hands to be on my body, behind
my head pulling my face in toward his, on my
back to pull me in really tight. I want him to bite
on my neck and shoulders, to tug on my lips with
his mouth. That’s what I call a passionate kiss.”
f3
Breasts
Soft, round pillows with a darkened bud at the
center, breasts are undeniably eye-catching, but more
important is the fact that the way you approach and
touch them will dictate whether or not a woman gets
aroused…and whether you get any further.
In this chapter I will tell you exactly what is going
on in her mind when you admire her breasts, how
best to compliment her on them, her physiological
responses to different types of touch, and her own
attitude toward them. You can use this information
at any stage of a relationship. And whatever you do or
say, you’ll know what’s going through her mind.
48 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Admiring Her Breasts
On a good day, her puppies are like a great lover—
they make her feel wanted, sexy, and get her wetter
between the legs than anything else. But even when
she’s feeling good about her breasts, your reaction to
the sight of them could elicit a bad response. Make
sure you get it right by following these guidelines.
Why she really wears revealing clothing
Pink lace peeking out over the top of her jeans, a
flash of red as she leans over the counter, or a black
bra strap that seems to keep falling off her shoulder—
whatever the titillating vista she’s presenting you
with, it’s highly likely she’s aware of it. Women may
claim they wear stockings or lacy underwear to please
themselves, but it’s an argument that holds up only
in certain situations. When there’s a good chance the
top of a stocking, a G-string or a bra will be seen
by others—that is, if the skirt is very short, the jeans
very low-cut or the top transparent—it’s for others’
benefit, too.
Flashing a bit of color to draw the attention of the
opposite sex is something many other animals—as well
as humans—do. The bower bird of New Guinea and
Australia creates a nest and decorates it with colored
Breasts C 49
flowers and fruit; baboons flash their colorful rears at
each other; and squids put on a fantastic light-andcolor
show for whoever they’re hoping to entwine
tentacles with. There’s absolutely no guarantee that
her display is meant for you; however, it could be that
she just wants to feel sexually attractive in general.
That said, if you’re on a date or having a drink with
her, that showy bra is definitely a visual cue—take
heed, and later, you could find yourself entangled in
her straps.
Unfortunately, it gets more complicated because if she
catches you staring at her breasts—however beautifully
they may be presented—she may well feel offended.
This might be surprising, illogical even, considering
what I’ve just said about her underwear, but looking
at breasts is like looking at the sun: a glance won’t
hurt you, but stare too long and you’ll suffer permanent
damage.
Here’s the logic: firstly, women have better peripheral
vision than men, so all that time you were looking
when you thought she couldn’t tell, she could—and
you were looking way too long; secondly, she may not
want you to stare at her breasts—it might be in aid
of some other lucky fella; thirdly, if she does catch
you looking—which she’s likely to if you keep ogling—
50 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
she’ll feel obliged to respond in a negative manner so
as not to look like a tart or a tease. The result? She
feels embarrassed and annoyed, and you get verbally
slapped around the face. And that hurts.
Going topless
If your girlfriend is one of the many women who love
an even tan, try to encourage her to fake it instead. The
drying effect of the sun will further reduce the skin’s
elasticity, making her breasts far more likely to sag in
later life. Tanning also creates that leathery, crinkly skin
effect—not attractive on any body. And because the skin
on the bony area between the breasts is so thin, she’s far
more likely to burn, too—which puts her at greater risk
of skin cancer. Hand her the fake bronzer and you’ll be
enjoying her fabulous breasts for far longer.
When her nipples say hello
Nipples, just like your penis and her clitoris and vaginal
lips, are made up of tissue that swells up in response
to stimuli. But don’t be fooled into thinking that the
sight of you still wet after your gym session has caused
her body to respond in this way. Yes, the stimuli can
be something very sexy, like your sweaty buff body at
the gym, but it’s far more likely to be a sudden cold
blast from the air-conditioner; or it could simply be
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the feel of her top’s material rubbing over her nipples.
What’s more, some women’s nipples are on permanent
red alert—and for this reason alone, it’s not a
good idea to rely on her erect nipples as an indicator
of sexual attraction. If you’re kissing or touching her,
however, and her rosebuds begin to take the shape
of torpedo missiles, her body is responding to what
you’re doing—so keep doing it!
Complimenting her breasts
Those big pendulous globes—you can’t get enough of
them. You could spend hours nuzzling them, rubbing
your hands over them, squeezing them…loving them.
That’s all well and good, but, unfortunately, the larger
her breasts are, the more likely it is that she won’t get
the same enjoyment out of it that you do.
Small breasts are more sensitive to temperature and
touch than larger breasts, purely because the nerve
endings that are in the breast are spread over a far
smaller area. On larger breasts the skin is stretched
and the feather-light touching that makes one smallbreasted
woman squeal with pleasure may not even
register on a larger lady.
But that’s not to say they should be ignored; far from
it, but it is a question of adapting your approach to
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each woman’s personality and her feelings about her
breasts. The average woman’s breast size is 36C—this
is a good handful, but certainly not what most would
class as large. For some large-breasted women, men’s
focus on this one part of their body becomes rather
predictable, which makes it boring. They may feel
defined by the size of their breasts, something that
could make them feel uncomfortable about the undue
attention you give them.
No matter how many times men say they prefer
the real thing, women continue to crave perfectly
round new—fake—breasts. Get rid of her insecurities
by telling her exactly what you love about hers.
Focus on an individual aspect of them—how great
they look when she’s on top, how they move under
her T-shirt or how amazing they look in that dress/
bra/top. Tailoring your compliment to her makes it
seem far more genuine and also appears more offthe-
cuff and natural. Those are the compliments
she’ll remember.
Knowing Her Breasts
Even if you’ve spent quite a lot of time fondling,
licking, sucking, and generally playing with your
Breasts C 53
girlfriend’s lady pillows, there are still secrets to be
revealed about them. Here are the things you may not
yet have learned about her feelings about them and
their physiological responses to your touch.
How she touches her breasts
Did you think she didn’t? What would you do if you
had a pair? Feel them, of course! If she loves the sensation
of your hands, lips, and tongue on her fleshy
orbs, then the chances are that when she masturbates,
she plays with them to get herself to climax.
Breasts, along with the fingertips, face, and genital
area, are the most sensitive parts of the body. These
areas are packed with nerve endings so that even the
slightest whisper will be felt on the skin. Ask her to
describe how she plays with her breasts when you’re
not around—even if she just shows you by guiding your
hand over them or by telling you over the phone, if
she’s comfortable with that. How she plays solo will
give you the best indication of how to bring her to
climax during sex. Don’t miss your clue.
How to look at her naked breasts
If she turns out the light every time you get close to
getting naked, it could be that she feels uncomfortable
about how her breasts look. Because breasts often
54 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
grow very quickly during puberty, the skin sometimes
doesn’t have time to adapt and the elastin beneath
the skin’s surface breaks, leaving white lines—stretch
marks. You may have them on your bum, on your
knees, thighs or even your biceps if you’ve built up
muscle in a short space of time. Many women have
them on their breasts.
You won’t have noticed this in magazine photographs
because photographers use “soft boxes,” which are
lights with a large piece of special material that helps
diffuse light, creating smooth and attractive-looking
skin and lines. These soft boxes are available at professional
photography shops and are a good way to make
her feel more relaxed in your bedroom—but you can
also inquire in your local lighting shop, asking for
soft-light bulbs or a diffusing lampshade, which will
have the same effect.
There are other ways to use flattering lighting in your
bedroom as well: candles are the obvious choice and
they provide an even, soft skin tone and hide blemishes
on both you and her, but you can also buy lowwattage
bulbs with a tint of orange-brown or pink to
show skin off to its best advantage.
Breasts C 55
And once you’ve got her comfortable with being
naked with the light on, take care with how much
time you spend simply looking at her breasts. Being
studied can make a woman feel beautiful, but it’s also
just as likely to make her feel self-conscious. In fact,
she may be aware of “imperfections” in her breasts
that you don’t even see. Just as your balls are unique—
you’d know them apart in photos probably—so are her
breasts. Statistically, it’s likely her left breast is bigger
than her right. Ask any honest woman you know,
and it’s virtually guaranteed she’ll even have one she
prefers to the other. Her nipples are also different
from each other—in shape, texture, and color. And
some women have an inverted nipple, where, instead
of a button, there’s a slit. This isn’t a problem, but it
can be disconcerting and embarrassing for her.
The way in which you look at her breasts and nipples
is just as important as how long you spend doing it. If
you are looking at her nipples or breasts, then kissing
them or fondling them, she knows it’s in adoration; if
you spend a long time staring without saying or doing
something to let her know you love them, she’ll feel
far more uncomfortable. Instead of looking closely,
try shutting your eyes and explore her body with your
tongue, your lips, and your hands.
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When your compliments fall on deaf ears
So you’d like to get your hands on her breasts and you
think a good way to get there is to compliment her
on them. She gives you a look that would cause a wasp
to shudder. Why? Because she thinks she knows what
you’re up to, that you’re just saying it to be nice. And
that’s because when women say they love your “cuddly”
midriff, your “squidgy” bum and your cute chubby
cheeks, they’re just saying it to be nice. They don’t
want to hurt you with the truth: they’d far rather you
were fit, healthy, and looked great. So when you say
you like her curves, she thinks you’re lying, too. Only
you’re not. Are you?
Her breast is made up of adipose tissue—that’s fat to
you—and connective tissue. The mammary glands are
actually inside this fatty tissue. Connective tissue—
called Cooper’s ligaments in the breast—provide most
of the support for this extra fatty weight and over
time, with ageing, naturally lose their strength. The
ligaments can, however, prematurely lose elasticity
and strength through impact sports such as running,
lack of support and fluctuating weight. That can lead
to her feeling her breasts aren’t as pert or firm as she
thinks they should be.
Breasts C 57
If she’s a regular dieter, it’s likely her breasts aren’t
what they used to be. One of the problems with
women’s obsession with dieting is that it ruins the
skin’s elasticity—if it is continually swinging from
being stretched, then shrunk again, like a rubber
band, it eventually snaps. That’s what stretch marks
are—where the collagen under the skin has effectively
snapped—and they’re often caused by dieting or
weight gain, and also pregnancy. Once the skin loses
this elasticity, her breasts will sag—an eventuality that
will make her far more paranoid than a couple of
extra pounds.
What you can do is encourage her to exercise rather
than diet. Because diets are often quite drastic, the
weight-loss—and often the gain that comes once the
diet is dropped—is so sudden that the skin simply
doesn’t have time to respond. Gentle exercise will use
up extra calories and, over time, she’ll lose the weight
she’d like to. And while she’s there, join her—then
you can lose that cuddly midriff, too.
Why do her breasts look firmer sometimes?
They look juicy and bitable because blood is flooding
into the area, making them swollen and feeling
bruised—a little bit like when you strain an ankle or
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your wrist. And just as you would rather no one gave
your sprained wrist a sexy squeeze, so she’d rather
you’d kept your hands off. And in a cruel twist of
fate—just as her breasts swell up to a third of a size
bigger, just before and during her period, you want
to touch them and she wants you to steer well clear.
There is, however, a possible solution. Use a lubricant
and go gently. Getting her breasts lubed up
means that your touch won’t pull and tug at the
swollen tissue; instead, your hands will glide over her
shining love-pillows. And what’s more, she’s actually
likely to have an even more intense orgasm just
before or during her period, so she may even thank
you for the breast massage.
If she’s just had a baby, her breasts will also swell—but
far more than half a cup size. This is what happens
when a woman breastfeeds her newborn. And
although her breasts might look deliciously plump
and touchable, the purpose of her soft protrusions
changes dramatically and her feelings about them
change, too.
Some men fantasize about suckling from a mother’s
breasts, but it’s pretty much guaranteed that this
fantasy is not a new mother’s idea of fun. Milk is
Breasts C 59
drained from the mammary glands inside the breast,
out into tiny holes in the nipple—called lactiferous
ducts—and out to get to her baby’s mouth. But the milk
doesn’t flow like a tap that just gets turned on once the
baby’s mouth locks on—no, it involves sucking and,
if the baby’s teething, a bit of inadvertent nibbling,
too. The constant sucking and moisture often causes
new mothers’ nipples to get dry and sore; sometimes
they also crack and bleed. A good reason to leave her
nipples alone at this time.
Buying her underwear
Her bra says a lot about how she feels about her fleshy
protrusions and what you buy her or want her to wear
can affect how she feels about you, too. You need
to find out exactly how bras work, which styles suit
different shapes and sizes, and what her preferences
are before you buy.
First, cast your mind back to art class—what’s the complementary
color of red? Green, of course. And this basic
fact means that unless your girlfriend has the deepest,
darkest skin, red lingerie will make her look pale and
slightly green. And only the Incredible Hulk can get
away with that skin tone. If you’re not sure what her skin
tone is, best to play it safe and leave red well alone.
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Her dislike of red undies is more than skin-deep,
however, it’s also about character. Red is one of
nature’s showiest colors—it says lust, passion, and
danger. But it’s also a color that is seen as a statement
of intent—the woman who wears red to a wedding is
a harlot looking for a show-down; the sexy lady with
the red bra on is cheap or easy; and the teenage girl
with red stilettos on is “out on the prowl.” It’s a real
shame that this is the case, because red has this power
precisely because it’s such a sexy color.
But the fact remains that there are very few women who
feel comfortable in a red bra and panties. But beyond
comfort, this is about how she is perceived by you—she
wants to surprise you with her sassiness in bed, her wild
lust and her red-hot passion; by presenting her with a
gift of red underwear, it’s as though you’re telling her
you think she’s cheap, or, even worse, that you’d like
her to be, even though she’s not.
So unless you know she’d like red underwear—that is,
she’s actually asked for some or wears it regularly—just
don’t buy her any. Instead, if it’s your favorite underwear
color or if you want to encourage her to wear it,
get her black underwear with just a tiny detail in red:
a bow at the front of a pair of black French panties,
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trimming on a navy G-string, or the lace at the top of
a white bra.
The basics of bras
Admittedly, buying her underwear is a minefield, so
make sure you’re au fait with the basics. Here’s a brief
lesson in lingerie to avoid losing a limb: the figure on
her bra refers to two things—her cup size (how much
you can fit in your hand) and her chest circumference
(how far you can wrap your arms around her). So a
pair of DD breasts won’t appear quite as big if they’re
on a woman with a 44in chest, because the fleshy bit
is spread over a larger area; likewise, a pair of C-cup
breasts will look more than ample on a 28in chest.
It sounds fairly straightforward, but there’s more:
some brands will differ widely from others. Just as with
your underpants, sizes differ between one designer
and another—you might fit into a large pair with
one, and need an extra-large in another. Ask a shop
assistant for help with buying her a bra or do some
research on the Internet—or if you want no-nonsense
accurate advice, ask her sister or best friend.
If you want to get her something as a surprise, go
through her laundry basket—in that you’ll find her
62 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
most comfortable, regular bras. These are probably
the ones that are the right size—they fit well, so
they’re comfy. But these are also likely to be the ones
she doesn’t wear to feel sexy—for that, you need to go
digging in her underwear drawers. If there’s a lot of
black lace in there, it means that’s her preference;
likewise white, turquoise, cerise, and so on. Be
aware that even with extensive bra size research and
careful shopping, the bra you buy her may not fit.
Like shoes, a size in one brand may be perfect; in
another, painful.
And if you’re still in doubt, ask her best friend’s
advice. Unlike you, women discuss underwear with
each other, so she’ll know exactly what to get. Plus,
you’ll gain instant recognition as “great boyfriend
material” from her peer group. She’ll be grinning
from ear to ear and so will you.
Touching Her Breasts
The way you get physical with her orbs of pleasure can
make the difference between sending her into a state of
quivering arousal or shuddering with disgust, or, even
worse, pain. Read on to find out what she likes, what
she doesn’t, and how to improve your technique.
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The bra’s off
A breast is like a dartboard—you instinctively head for
the bull’s eye, the nipple, because it stands out visually
and physically. But that approach won’t win you
maximum points in the mating game.
Exploration is always the best way to get maximum
arousal—for you and for her, so try not to neglect
parts of her body. The sides of her breasts are incredibly
ticklish—and that means there are lots of nerve
endings there, so don’t starve them of your touch.
Next time you’re in bed, ask her to put her arms up
beside her head, then trace the back of your hand
along the heavy curve of her breasts on both sides.
Now do the same with your fingertips and then your
tongue. This is virtually guaranteed to have her
squirming with pleasure.
Once you’ve spent some quality time with the sides of
her breasts, slowly make your way into the center. Lack
of speed is key here—you’re building up to hitting the
most sensitive part: her nipple. If you take your time,
letting her work up a powerful arousal, when you do
let your lips or fingers lightly brush her nipples, it will
be the most exquisite sensation for her. Her back will
arch as she thrusts her chest toward you—and you’ll
feel like the breast man. And you are.
64 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
And when you’re applying your hands, think about
how much pressure to use. The breast stroke is a
great way to begin—it’s simply feather-light touching.
Gentle touch actually stimulates more of the skin’s
nerve endings than a grope. That’s why it feels so
good to her.
This isn’t always the case, however. There are times
when, in the heat of the moment, she wants to feel
the power of your hands on her body, but when it
comes to turning her on, getting her into the mood,
you can’t beat the light touch. Think of her breasts as
ripe fruit and treat them accordingly—too hard and
she’ll bruise.
Using your mouth
Licking her nipple like it’s a lollipop can send her
into a state of total ecstasy. The nipple, just like the
clitoris, feeds into orgasm-inducing neurons in the
brain, and some women are able to climax through
breast stimulation alone. In each nipple are receptors
called Meissner’s corpuscles, cells that are able
to adjust to different stimuli—this could include your
warm, moist mouth, a frozen grape rubbed gently
over the area, or even warm oil.
Breasts C 65
Take care when attempting nibbling, biting, or
sucking hard—these can feel fantastic on her breasts
and nipples, but, just like when she’s down on you,
nibbling, biting, and sucking your manhood hard,
there’s a fine line between fantastically erotic and just
downright painful.
One of the most common complaints from women
with regard to nipple playing is that men treat them
like cooker controls—they think if they twist hard,
they’ll up the sexual temperature, but that’s not how
it works. The more sexual tension you can build, the
more explosive the climax will be—jumping into bed
with muscular fingers at the ready is more likely to
turn her cold.
Use your own body as a pain barometer—how hard
could you pull at the skin of your testicles, or squeeze
and tweak the sensitive glans, the head of your penis?
Approach her breasts—especially her nipples—with the
same level of gentle care. And gauge her reactions: if
she pushes her breasts into your hands when you’re
very gently swirling your fingertip around the edges,
try pressing on them with your thumbs; if she’s still
thrusting herself harder against your hands, turn up the
volume a little. Just take it slowly, gradually building up
66 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
any pressure you apply—that way she can let you know
when to go further and when to slow back down.
If she enjoys her nipples or breasts being very firmly
stimulated, it’s a good idea to agree on a code so
that you know when you’re being too firm, causing
her unpleasant pain. Biting—often quite violent—is
a fairly common element of mating between many
different types of animals. But you really don’t want
to make the same mistakes that some animals do:
the male mink, for example, sometimes accidentally
pierces his partner’s brain, killing her. That’s one
type of heart-stopping sex! To avoid overdoing it, use
a word you wouldn’t ever use in bed: “Coventry” or
“spider” or something like that. Yes, you’ll feel a bit
silly, but not as silly as you’d both feel if she suffered
an injury from your overzealous loving.
The breath trick
This is one of the easiest but most effective techniques
to use on any part of her body, but it works best on
her breast and nipple. Once you’ve licked or sucked,
simply pull back your head and blow gently over the
area. What this does is take her skin’s temperature from
warm—from her own natural body temperature and
from your warm licking—to cool, when the moisture
Breasts C 67
from your sucking evaporates. And this makes her
nerve endings respond, increasing sensitivity to
whatever you next decide to do to that area—stroke,
kiss, or even gently nibble.
When it’s good to get more hands-on
Men tend to focus on a woman’s nipples if she has
small breasts, which is a shame because she may well
enjoy having the entire breast massaged. Bee-sting
breasts are often more sensitive to touch than bigger
breasts, and therefore, hold the key to getting her
extremely turned on, extremely quickly.
If you don’t find her smaller breasts as visually stimulating
as larger ones, get some scaffolding put up.
Not outside the house, but underneath her breasts.
A balconette bra is perfect for a woman with smaller
breasts as it pushes them upwards and leaves the upper
area clear for viewing. Don’t worry, she won’t suspect
that you want her breasts to look or feel bigger—
balconette bras are just one of the many styles available.
If she keeps the bra on during sex, you can touch
and fondle the fleshy upper area and nipple. Once
she’s got support, the only way is up.
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Real Girls Tell All
SARAH on having a big pair of breasts:
“Both my boyfriend and I love my boobs. They’re
fairly big—I’m a double D—and I’ve always had
lots of attention, from both women and men,
because of them. Women sometimes come up
and ask me if they’re real—I always let them have a
feel so that they know they’re genuine. I’d never
want fake ones. They look hard; it must be like
fondling a pair of soccer balls. Mine feel more
like balloons filled with water, firmer than that,
but they jiggle like balloons when I walk fast.
“My boyfriend likes to come over mine. I put my
arms together so he can slide himself between
them and then he pushes himself up and down—
it’s funny how much he loves it, but I don’t mind
because he’s one of the most caring men I’ve ever
been with. He always, always makes me come first.
“Ladies first,” he always says. I like that, and it
means he always gets a smile as well as sex. You
want both, don’t you?”
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GINA on playing with hers:
“I absolutely love playing with my tits. They’re
only small, and to be honest, my ex-boyfriends
have never paid them enough attention. It’s like
they think that because they’re small, they’re not
as important, but if a man wants to get me really
wet, he’s got to play with them.
“When I masturbate, I do it in front of a mirror,
just so I can look at my tits. It really turns me on to
see them. I put on a push-up bra and just seeing
them gives me a shiver in between my legs. I used
to think that was a bit weird and that I should get
turned on by looking at a guy’s bits, not my own
tits, but I don’t care—it’s just what does it for me.
“My all-time favorite is to wear a push-up bra
and use baby lotion on them so they feel really
slippery. They look so good like that, all glistening
and bouncy. I imagine my man is the
one touching them; he’s grabbing and squeezing
them. It feels so good, and it looks so good, I
come easily every time.
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“My current boyfriend knows how much I love
to have them touched, and I wear my push-up in
bed with him. He knows it’s what makes me come
and he gets off on that, so it works for both of
us. And it’s definitely made me more satisfied in
bed. We do it all the time!
TANYA on getting her breasts wet:
“When I lie in the bath, my boobs look absolutely
amazing. I sometimes wish that I had a much bigger
bath—one that was conducive to sex—because then
my husband could enjoy them as much as I do
when I’m alone in there.
“I usually put a generous amount of foaming
bubble bath in—then I slide my naked body into
the hot water. Even feeling water all around me is
somehow luxurious and sexy, but the foam makes
it feel really special—the bubbles fizz and pop on
my skin and, as the foam begins to disappear, my
nipples begin to show through. When the cold air
hits them, they immediately pop out and say hi
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to the world. The deep pink of the area around
my little popped-out raspberries looks glossy and
shiny, and full of color—they look delicious, I
wish I could reach them with my mouth to suck
on them.
“Because of the support of the bath water, the flesh
of my breast is pushed upwards. They look round
and healthy and ready to be touched, almost as
though they’re thrust outwards in anticipation.
By now all the foam is gone and I play with my
nipples by moving my body down into the water,
so my breasts are fully covered—my nipples sometimes
go down a little; then I rise up, pushing my
breasts out into the colder outside air, and my
raspberries pop out again.
“I tease myself like this for a while and then I
slowly trace my fingers from just above my pubic
hair, ever so lightly touching my skin, and work
my way to just below my breasts. I run my finger
along underneath and to the sides, anywhere but
the nipple itself. By now I’m arching my back,
desperate to home in on the nipple, to feel the
explosion of sensation there, but I keep teasing
myself as I know it will be all the more satisfying
when I get there.
72 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
“I move my middle fingers gently onto my nipples
and it makes me gasp—I’m pushing toward my
fingers, as though they belong to someone else,
like I am not fully in control, and then I swirl
my fingertips over and around them. It feels just
fantastic and it’s why I love to take baths.”
f4
Sex positions
Men place far too much emphasis on sex positions—I
blame the Kama Sutra for that. Flipping a woman over
like a pancake, leaping across the bedroom like a
frog, or other “new” positions that result in colliding
knees and elbows or your toes dangling in her face are
not going to impress her. Your angle of approach is
important, but it really won’t make you good in bed.
What it can do, however, is improve your, or her,
physical experience of sex. Considered positioning
can make a wide vagina feel tighter and a penis feel
longer, and it makes both of you have more intense
orgasms. Every sex position range has its plus and
minus points—enjoy exploring them all.
74 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Her On Top
It’s the position most likely to bring her to orgasm
and it affords you some great views, but there’s more
to this than meets the eye.
It’s not always good for you
Have you ever found that she gets on top then, once
she’s orgasmed, seems to lose enthusiasm? Well,
welcome to reality—women can be selfish, too. And if
her taking hold of the reins means you get left behind,
she’s not going to be shedding any tears. Blame your
forefathers, your brothers, and your male contemporaries,
because the chances are she’s heard about
and had a lot of sex where men don’t care a bean for a
woman’s orgasm. And so she knows to grab the orgasm
opportunity with both hands whenever it arises.
What’s more, once she’s come, her body releases the
same chemicals your body does when you’ve come—the
ones that make you feel sleepy and lethargic. That’s
why her enthusiastic jiving on your penis becomes
more like a slow samba, leaving you with little chance
of an orgasm unless you change positions.
Something for her to learn
To try to aim for a simultaneous orgasm in the heron-
top position, she needs to learn more about
Sex positions C 75
her climax. She can teach herself to hold back and
discover how to control the point of orgasm by practicing
when she masturbates. Women, like men, tend
to try to get to the end goal as quickly as they’re able,
but taking herself close to the edge of orgasm, then
pulling back, and repeating the process will teach
her how to control her climax and may even lead to
more intense orgasms. It also means she can control
her climax until you’re close to yours, making it a lot
easier for you both to enjoy an orgasm in the same
few minutes.
She won’t get on top?
Sitting astride a man, bringing herself to orgasm
as he watches, is really putting herself out there—
she’s never more exposed and natural. That can be
fantastic and amazing, and, thankfully, it is for a lot
of women, but for those who dislike their bodies, it
can just be unnerving and unpleasant. Being on top
means taking centerstage—not only is she in control of
her own orgasm but she’s also there to make sex great
for you, and to look good for you. If she hates the
way her breasts look, thinks they’re too jiggly or has a
complex about her belly, for example, she’s likely to
feel like she can’t really relax and let go in this position,
making it highly unlikely she’ll orgasm.
76 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
You can’t change the way a woman feels about her
body with a couple of compliments, but it’ll go some
way to making her reconsider how other people see
her body. The way you touch her breasts or belly is
really important—a woman can sense more about how
much you love her breasts by the way you tenderly kiss
them, caress them, and admire them while doing so,
than if you simply tell her they’re great. Combine
both verbal compliments and hands-on physical
compliments for the best results. Used repetitively,
compliments will eventually make her believe that
you think her body is fabulous, and gradually her
inner cowgirl will be ready to saddle up.
That’s not her problem, but she still won’t get on top
She may have deep-seated emotional issues with
getting on top. If that’s the case, and she really doesn’t
like it, it’s tough but sometimes a woman simply isn’t
in the mood for being the star of the show. The cowgirl
position is fantastic sexy fun but it doesn’t have the
same tender intimacy as missionary, say, where your
faces are close together at all times and your bodies are
touching from head to toe. But she can still achieve
that while on top in two ways: what I call the flatliner
and the bargirl.
Sex positions C 77
For the flatliner, she needs to be well lubricated, so
have a bottle or tube to hand. Smearing your chest
and her inner thighs with lube, she lies on top of
you, putting your manhood in between her thighs.
She then slides up and down, squeezing her thighs
on your penis as she does so—there’s no penetration,
but you should feel a similar amount of friction (if
not more!) than when you’re inside her. This is a
fantastic way to give her vaginal lips a lot of stimulation,
too. And many women find it easier to orgasm
that way.
For the bargirl, you’ll need some kind of stool or
chair. You sit on it while she straddles you. She’s
on top, giving you the view you want, with her in
full control, but you still enjoy the intimacy of
being close face to face. It’s such a simple technique
but is so effective at helping her to orgasm, as
her clitoris gets more stimulation from your pelvis
and abdomen and it allows her to push down on
you while still being able to kiss and feel your chest
against hers. Perfect.
Reversing the cowgirl position
Although this is a great position for you—you lie back
and get a fantastic view of her rear and your penis
78 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
thrusting inside her—it’s unlikely she’ll orgasm like
this. Her clitoris doesn’t get to bang up against your
pelvis in this position, which can leave her wanting.
But that’s no excuse; she’s got hands—she can use
them! If she still needs encouragement, get a vibrating
penis ring and put it on upside-down; that is, with
the vibe toward your testicles. That’ll have her sitting
pretty happy for as long as the batteries hold out—
meanwhile you get to enjoy the view of her rear as she
mounts you.
We’ve done all that
Easy, cowboy, if you’ve done all the variations above,
there are even more positions to try—more than could
ever be covered in one book, even the Kama Sutra. For
an unusual, yet very sexy position, try this: you sit semiupright,
propped up with lots of pillows and she clambers
on top of you, facing your feet so that her back rests
against your stomach, and slides you inside her. It’s
tricky to maneuver into, but it is possible if your penis
is long enough, and this is one of the most sensuous
positions. Your hands are free to come around the
front and play with her breasts and her clitoris and,
although she’s on top, you share control and she feels
very exposed but incredibly aroused by your wandering
hands and the feeling of your penis inside her.
Sex positions C 79
You On Top
Missionary sex is fabulous and totally underrated. I’ve
talked to many women who say they love this position
because they can feel and see their partner; men say the
same. But it’s not the easiest position for her to climax,
so let’s look at some ways you can improve on that.
Making her O your mission
Success here relies on you being shallow: her body
isn’t designed to orgasm with deep penetration—the
majority of her nerve endings are in the lower third
of her vaginal canal. To get an idea of how little
sensation she has “up there,” consider the cervical
smear, a procedure during which cells are scraped
from the cervix—and she doesn’t even need an anesthetic.
Now consider how she responds when you
have a ragged fingernail and touch her vaginal lips
or clitoris with it. See the difference? That is why
deep thrusting, although potentially sexy, isn’t what
brings her to orgasm.
You can greatly enhance clitoral stimulation during
missionary by changing your thrust technique.
Rather than pulling out and in, slide yourself in and
make hoops with your hips—circle and grind as you
would if you were doing some seriously snake-hipped
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salsa moves on the dance floor. The point is to apply
pressure to her clitoris with the upper part of the base
of your penis and your pelvic bone. Maintain the same
rhythm and keep going, kissing her neck or breasts as
you do so. Don’t expect her to orgasm quickly, or at
all—just let her enjoy the sensation.
Giving her clitoris the attention it deserves
It’s a greedy little bundle of nerves, the clitoris—and
for some women, it simply craves your direct touch.
You may be giving the grind and shallow thrust your
best efforts and she’s still unable to orgasm. So try
employing one or both of these tools: a pillow and
a vibrating penis ring. Putting a pillow under her
bottom raises her pelvis toward yours, and puts the
clitoris in a more exposed position. And a vibrating
penis ring is a wonderful sex toy that slips over your
manhood—it’s stretchy so doesn’t hurt or pinch—and
directly stimulates her clitoris via a thumbnail-sized
vibe at the top of the ring. Lord of the rings? You will
be once you’ve tried it.
When she’s too aroused
It’s happened to most of us at one time or another—
you’re enjoying great sex, going at it, her juices are
flowing and after a while, well, it doesn’t feel quite
Sex positions C 81
as snug down there as it did at the start. It’s a shame
that a woman can become so aroused and wet that
sensation is reduced for both of you, but lubrication
does reduce friction to an extent. You slide easily
in and out of her, which sounds great, but actually
means there isn’t all that much friction on your
penis, and her vaginal walls barely seem to register
your manhood’s presence!
An easy, short-term solution is for her to use her
fingers. She simply slides her hand down between
your bodies and, with her fingers in a Victory-V
shape, slots your penis in between the “V.” She can
even slide her fingers around the outside of her
vaginal lips so that she’s squeezing her lips tighter
around your penis, too. Squeezing like this creates
a sensation of a tight vaginal entrance while the base
of her index finger will be perfectly positioned to put
pressure on her clitoris. It’s actually a fantastic way to
get yourselves to orgasm.
Training for a tighter vagina
A long-term solution is for her to do Kegel exercises
(squeezing her pelvic floor muscles) regularly.
She can locate these muscles by noticing how she
uses them to halt her urine flow when she goes to the
toilet. Focusing on doing that will allow her to then
82 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
clench that muscle wherever she is, on the toilet or
on the train, in the office or in bed. Kegels can revolutionize
your sex life. Not only do they tighten and
tone, and grip a slimmer penis more tightly, but they
can also give her more intense orgasms, too. There
are lots of products on the market that exercise these
muscles—pelvic toners, vaginal exercisers—see which
ones work for her. Then, when you’re having sex, she
can use these muscles to increase the friction for both
of you.
On All Fours
Great for making short or thin penises feel wider and
longer, this versatile position isn’t always her favorite,
so let’s look at ways to make it great for her, too.
Your penis is on the short side
If you’re reading this, you’re highly likely to be one of
the many men who are wrong about their penis size.
A man underestimating the size of his penis is like a
woman overestimating the size of her behind—it’s a
classic and oft-repeated mistake. When urologists at
a U.S. university asked men to estimate their penis
size, they found that almost all got the figure wrong.
The participants were pleasantly surprised to find
Sex positions C 83
that their magic wands were all bigger than their eyes
had led them to believe. So, just for the record—the
average erect penis measures between 5½in and
6½in; its girth is between 4½in and 5½in.
No, it really is on the short side!
OK, for the sake of argument let’s just assume that
you do in fact have a short or slim penis; doing it on
all fours is a great way to extend yourself. It’s not about
you; it’s a result of the angle of her body. Inside, her
vaginal canal is directed more toward her back than her
stomach—so in missionary, your penis fits just right;
on all fours, your penis gets more friction on the top
of the shaft, as well as on the head of the penis inside
her. Similarly, if you’re on top and her legs are slung
over your shoulders, everything feels far tighter for
you and her—especially if your penis is shorter. What
happens is that the vaginal canal shortens (imagine
a straightish tube that you bend into a U shape and
you’ll get an exaggerated idea of what happens when
she puts her knees by her shoulders). And because the
lower third of her vagina is massively engorged with
blood when she’s aroused, creating a barrel of spongy
tissue, shortening the canal concentrates all that
“sponge” into a smaller area, making the “tunnel”
feel smaller.
84 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
She won’t do doggy?
The very first time a woman is asked to go on all fours,
she will undoubtedly wonder why the man she’s in bed
with would prefer to see the back of her. And, if you’re
new in bed together, steering clear of doggy-style might
be a good idea, as it can feel impersonal when you’re
still getting to know and trust someone. Similarly, if
you’ve been together for a long time and you insist on
doing it on all fours every time, try to imagine how
you’d feel if she always wanted to have sex in a position
where she couldn’t actually see you. And while I’m
having a go at the doggy-style, consider this final blow:
it’s near impossible for her to have an orgasm in this
position unless you lend a helping hand.
Making doggy a style she enjoys
To make sure she knows you love how she looks and
that you adore her front and back, suggest doing it in
front of a mirror. Not only does this create a visual
feast for you, it gives her something—anything!—to
look at. Otherwise it’s hard for her to see anything
but the bedspread unless she cranes her neck around
to look at you. Fondle her breasts, her waist, and her
neck as you have sex, and kiss her back and shoulders.
And use your hands to help her to orgasm—that way
her clitoris gets the stimulation it requires. Without
Sex positions C 85
help, your penis is thrusting in and out, giving her
vaginal opening a lot of stimulation but never quite
hitting on the clitoris, which simply isn’t placed well
for doggy-style stimulation. Another method is to
provide her with a clitoral-bumper: pile cushions
or pillows underneath her, in between her legs, so
that each time you thrust, her clitoris and vaginal lips
come into contact with the pile. Better still, strap a
vibrator onto a pile of pillows and place them beneath
her. Piles have never been sexier.
Side By Side
Perfect for lazy Sundays, doing it side by side can be
one of the most intimate and erotic positions. It can
also be frustratingly tricky and unsatisfying. Here’s
how to make sure you get it right.
Getting the right positioning
You’re lying face to face with one of her legs slung over
your waist and you’re thrusting happily but you’re not
sure it’s doing much for her—unfortunately, it might
not be. This is similar to the missionary position in
that what makes it orgasmic for her, doesn’t necessarily
make it orgasmic for you. If she moves herself
further up your body, so that her knee is under your
86 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
arm and your penis is firmly inside her, she’ll be able
to get reasonably good clitoral stimulation from your
pubic mound, the area just above your penis. She can
also use her leg to push on your buttocks to gain even
more pressure at the rhythm she likes on her clitoris.
For you to get good thrusting action, however, you
need to be positioned lower down—to give you a
decent run up and down her vaginal canal. So the
answer is to alternate between the two, or if you want
her to climax first, concentrate on being deep inside
her and grinding your entire pubic region on hers to
give her lip and clitoral stimulation. Then, when she’s
had hers, get yours through some deep thrusting.
Scissors for great, lazy sex
To give her clitoris more stimulation when you’re
face to face, twist up your angle a little: if she can flip
on to her back, slide one leg between yours, with the
other over the top of your hips, keeping you inside
her, you’re in the scissors position. By holding each
other’s hands, you can pull your pelvises together and
really massage her clitoris and vaginal mound.
Spoons for when she’s pregnant
Think about it: when a woman is pregnant there’s
even more blood rushing down toward her genital
Sex positions C 87
area to prepare her body for the birth. All that blood
makes her far more responsive to touch, and many
women find themselves hungering for sex during the
second and third trimesters. But if either of you is
worried about how to approach sex while she’s pregnant,
try the spoons position. By lying down side by
side with you behind her, the bump is out of the way
but it can be propped up on a pillow so that it’s not
uncomfortable for her. One hand is free to play with
her, by now, fulsome, heavy breasts, and the other can
stimulate her clitoris as you thrust inside her. Lots of
women report more intense orgasms while pregnant,
so take this opportunity to get her saying, “Oh baby!”
before the baby comes.
For lazy ladies
I’d put money on the fact that if you offered a woman
an orgasm—no effort involved—she’d say yes 99 percent
of the time; but if you offer her sex, that percentage
would drop dramatically. Why? Because it involves
effort! So, for tired women, try the Lazy Susan position:
lift her legs so both are bent over your hip, then,
lying on your side slide yourself into her vagina. Hold
on to her shoulders to give yourself something to
thrust against (if she’s really tired or lethargic, she’ll
just shunt up the bed each time you thrust and end up
88 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
falling off) and don’t forget to use your hands to stimulate
her clitoris. Use the thumb of whichever hand
you’re not resting on and rub the heel of your thumb
over her clitoris to bring her to orgasm.
Standing
Although it’s one of the least-appreciated sex positions
of all, don’t give standing a wide berth because
it’s tricky; learn how to make it work.
Staying on your feet
Ask any comedian—stand-up is the most difficult thing
to get right. And two people rarely have exactly the
right proportions to make it work easily, but don’t be
fooled into thinking that two tall people find it easier
than if one were short; it’s not about where your heads
meet, it’s whether your genitals can connect. And this
is one time when being slightly smaller than average
can actually benefit a man. Because, if a man’s legs
are slightly shorter than his partner’s, stand-up sex
becomes easier because he can thrust upwards without
making her topple over. If she’s much smaller than
you are, you’re either going to have to be a big-muscle
man and give her a lift, or you can try doing it with
her on the stairs to give her a bit more height.
Sex positions C 89
Using props is always a good idea. In the bathroom,
forget the shower and make use of the sink. It’s one
of the most underused sex aids in the house—not only
do most sinks have a mirror behind them, giving you
both fantastic visuals, but also she can rest her hands
on the sink as you do it standing up from behind or
front-on with her buttocks on the sink rim.
Note: This is best attempted using sinks with pedestal
stands—otherwise your rigorous activity won’t
make you come; instead, your sink will come
away from the wall.
Turn on the cold tap for the occasional breathtaking
splash of cold water and this’ll turn into a sexual memory
to make you grin every time you brush your teeth.
When sex has become routine
Orgasms don’t make great sex—if you both come in
the same way every time, even climaxing can feel a
bit like an anticlimax. Great sex is about exploration,
whether that’s exploring new aspects of your bodies,
new feelings, or new positions. It’s difficult to do
something new when you’ve gotten used to doing it
well a certain way, but there’s no better way to kill
a great sex life than to just keep doing it exactly the
same way week in, week out. Don’t feel you have to
90 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
swing from the chandeliers or hang upside-down
each time you get into bed with each other. But do
try to surprise each other with something new every
few weeks or so—even if it’s just a different way of
touching, kissing, or talking.
In my opinion, standing-up sex is one of the most fun
ways to reintroduce excitement. It’s tricky to get right—
especially if you have a big height difference—but it’s a
position that says lust, passion, and immediacy. That’s
probably because it’s the position new couples go for
when they feel they simply haven’t got time to get on
to the floor or to a bed. That’s passion! And the very
fact that you can’t do it standing up on your bed sets
it apart from all the other positions because you have
to do it somewhere else in the house or hotel room.
OK, it might be against the bedroom wall, but at least
you’ve moved off the bed. When you’re used to having
sex lying down, doing it standing up changes everything.
What you see is different; the weight of your
bodies is differently distributed; the blood is even
pumped around your body differently. Come on, it’s
time to stand up and be counted.
Great for discreet, quiet sex
Sometimes having to be quiet and secretive makes
sex even more exciting and intense, but if you’re
Sex positions C 91
staying at the in-laws for longer than just a few days
it just becomes an annoyance. Every creak of the
bedstead makes you wince and you’re unable to
relax and really go for it because you can’t handle
the thought of her parents’ faces as you head down
for breakfast. The solution? Do it standing up from
behind with her hands against a wall. There is always
at least one part of a room that doesn’t have creaky
floorboards, and walls won’t make a sound. Now
there’s no need for you to miss out—call it standing
up for your conjugal rights.
Maximizing her pleasure while standing
Of course, I’ve neglected to point out that standup
sex rarely results in an orgasm for her. Again,
it’s tricky to give her clitoris the direct stimulation
it needs, but it’s not impossible! Slipping your hand
under the back of her knee and lifting it up toward
her waist and to the side will make this so much easier.
Not only does it allow you to control the thrusting
rhythm, it also exposes her clitoris and vaginal lips
more, giving her far more stimulation. Even better,
have her put one foot on a step for the same effect
without you having to use your hands, leaving them
free to roam all over her fantastic body.
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Real Girls Tell All
CARRIE on her favorite position:
“I straddle my man when he’s on the sofa
watching TV. At first, he moans and pushes me
off, says he’s watching something. But he laughs,
so I know he doesn’t really mean it. I just sit on
him, moving my pussy around on his penis and
balls; he pretends to carry on watching TV but I
can feel he’s getting stiff underneath me. I think
that’s half the thrill, knowing I can make him
want me even when he’s saying he doesn’t. Then
I unbutton my top or lift my T-shirt and touch
my stomach and boobs. By now, he’s really hard
but he’s still pretending to watch TV. Eventually
he puts his hands on my hips and helps me gyrate
on top of him. That’s usually when I come. Then
it’s his turn.”
Sex positions C 93
SUSAN on her favorite position:
“Missionary, missionary, missionary. It just
doesn’t get better. His face next to mine, kissing
me, telling me how much he loves me, how much
he wants me, what an amazing orgasm he’s going
to give me. The feeling of his body weight on top
of mine, his shoulders above me so I can hold on
when I need to, his legs in between mine. The
sense of being totally filled and touched from
my face and neck, my arms, hands, fingers, my
breasts, nipples, my belly, my legs, my thighs,
and of course my vagina. It’s the most complete
feeling I can ever have and I wouldn’t have it any
other way.”
GILLIAN on her favorite position:
“I once did it on the stairs with a one-night
stand and it was just brilliant. He stood in front
94 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
and below me and I held on to the banister for
support, but because of where my feet were I could
spread my legs really wide and he penetrated me
deeply. It was one of the sexiest experiences I’ve
ever had.”
f5
Giving oral
Every man thinks he’s a master when it comes to his
mouth—whether this refers to his apparent storytelling
skills down at the pub or going down on a woman.
But in reality only the men who know that there’s no
such thing as “being the best at giving head” can lay
legitimate claim to that title—because whereas there
are basic rules, each woman will get off on a slightly
different technique to the next. And even once you’ve
got it right with the woman you’re with, sticking with
the same old technique time after time is like giving
her a red rose every year for Valentine’s Day—nice but
lacking imagination. I’ll give you ideas that can help
make the difference between reaching that climax peak
and having to remain in the shadows of the mountain,
never quite getting to the top.
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Finding Your Way
Knowing your route, how long it’ll take and what
to look for once you’ve arrived are essential aspects
of a well-executed journey—in this section, we’ll
address ways to make your oral road to her orgasm
a smooth one.
Don’t go down too early
Heading down there at high speed is like putting her
dessert on the table before you’ve served appetizers
and the main course. She may be looking forward to
the dessert more than anything else, but she’ll want
the savory experience, too—it provides a buildup and
makes the end of the meal even sweeter. An orgasm is
the release of sexual tension, so the more you build
that tension, the greater the eventual release will be.
It’s also about intimacy; once your head has disappeared
down below and she’s left with the sight of your
forehead for company, it can be a bit disconcerting,
especially if you’ve only been kissing and touching
for a short time. But what constitutes a “short” time?
That depends on the woman, but here’s an easy way to
check if she’s ready: if you’ve been kissing her breasts
and nipples and she hasn’t been pulling you back up
to kiss her lips, start a journey with your hands. Let
Giving oral C 97
one hand work its way to her vulva—if she’s not ready
for clitoral stimulation yet, she’ll move away or bring
your hand back up. If she lets your hand roam free,
gradually work your other hand to take over the work
your mouth was doing on her breasts, setting your
face free to venture south.
Note: As always, sex rules are there to be broken: 95
percent of the time, waiting until she’s fully
warmed up before heading down is your best
bet, but if you’re enjoying the kind of red-hot
passion session that causes shirt buttons to fly
and stockings to be ripped, then rapidly raising
her skirt to feast might be just the thing.
When she’s not quite to your taste
This is every woman’s nightmare, the thought that she
might not smell or taste quite right and so you might
not be so enthusiastic when you’re down there; worse,
you might never go down there again.
To avoid any bad feelings, you need to somehow “taste
the waters” before it’s too late (worst-case scenario
is to go delving with your tongue, then rapidly pull
away). If you find her smell or taste unpleasant,
there’s no point in trying to fake it—if she’s in any
doubt about your enthusiasm to be down there, she’ll
98 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
be wondering what’s wrong, which means she won’t
orgasm. The result? You’ll be stuck down there even
longer! So use your fingers down there first, then give
them a sniff or a lick when you’re kissing her neck so
she can’t see what you’re up to. If it doesn’t smell fresh
enough for your taste, you have two choices: avoid
going down there during this bedroom session or
suggest a shower. And if you go for the shower option,
make sure you make it about getting sexy rather than
getting clean: “Shall we do it in the shower?” rather
than “Let’s go and wash before we get down to it.”
What is a normal smell?
It’s important here to differentiate between a woman’s
natural smell and bad vaginal odor. The former is
musky, like a more subtle, warmer, and sweeter version
of fresh underarm sweat; the latter is like bad breath,
rancid and unnatural smelling. The musky odor has a
purpose: scientists believe that one of the reasons we
still have hair between our legs and under our arms is
to capture and enhance our genetic odor—it’s a way of
giving each other genetic information without having
to chat about our ancestry or medical history. Pubic
hair also helps protect the genitals from infection by
creating a hairy barrier to liquids that could otherwise
be absorbed. But don’t be duped into believing that
Giving oral C 99
removing the hair will remove any odors; far from it,
it might make them worse. Removing her pubes could
disrupt the natural pH balance of the vagina and can
expose her genitals to bacteria that might otherwise
be held at bay.
Getting past her hair and lips
Some women are confident enough to spread their
legs wide and let you in; others aren’t. If you can’t get
full access or her lips are getting in your way, put your
hands to good use.
Gently slide your hand down her stomach and onto
her thigh, easing it away from the other one—this will
open up her vaginal lips a little. Now, keep using your
hands: place your thumb toward the lower end of her
vaginal lips (nearer her anus) where her lips usually
sit further apart, and slide your thumb upwards to
her belly button, use your other hand to help hold
the other lip to one side. This clears the path to her
clitoris just like a plow through a field of earth—now
follow your thumb with your tongue to find that
precious seed at the top of the trough.
Still can’t find her clitoris?
If you’re licking her all over her lips in an effort to
find her pleasure point, don’t panic. At this stage
100 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
she doesn’t realize you don’t know where it is, she
just thinks you’re one of the rare (and wonderful)
men who spend time exploring and learning about
her vulva before heading straight for the clitoris.
Some women have huge visible clitorises—the size
of a broad bean—others have such tiny ones, you
wouldn’t bother eating it if it were a pea. But all
women have thousands of nerve endings in their
vaginal lips as well as that little clitoral button—so
explore away, you’re getting her well-oiled for the
drive of a lifetime.
If you’re desperate to get into that driving seat but still
can’t locate the clitoral gearshift, there is a foolproof
way to find it. All women have two outer lips and two
inner—they’re large and small, fat and thin, never the
same and almost never look like the genitals of porn
stars who have usually had cosmetic surgery. Start
licking at the bottom of her lips, where her vagina
is (her vagina isn’t the entire genital area, as is often
thought, but the “hole” where your penis goes during
penetrative sex), and get your tongue between her
inner lips. As you slide your tongue from the bottom
toward the top—in the direction of her pubic mound
or her belly button—you’ll reach a point where the
lips meet. This is like the corner of your mouth. It’s
Giving oral C 101
in this area, the “upper corner” of her genital mouth,
where you’ll find the clitoris.
And if you still can’t pinpoint that sexually explosive
pea, concentrate your entire tongue on this upper
corner—let your tongue flatten against your chin as
you grind your face on the entire area. This technique
works well for a lot of women because even if the
clitoris can’t be seen or felt, it’s still receiving plenty
of stimulation from the pressure your face provides.
When the going gets tough…
Women are, by and large, caring creatures, and so
if you’ve been down there for what feels like forever
to you, it’s likely she realizes it’s taking a while and
that’ll make her less able to relax…which means she’s
less likely to come. The problem is that both men and
women have the idea that once you’re down, you stay
down until you’ve got the job done, but sometimes you
just need to take a break—doing so will bring positive
results for both of you. Taking a break doesn’t mean
running downstairs for a cup of coffee, it simply
means changing what you’re doing. Break off from
licking her, and let your fingers do the talking for
a few minutes; spend a bit of time kissing her inner
thighs or try talking while you’re down there. A lot
102 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
of women find the vibrations from your vocal chords
give a fantastic tingling sensation—it’s like using a
softly spoken vibrator.
Technique
The longest, strongest tongue won’t cut the mustard
with any woman unless you know how to use it.
Rhythm, pressure, speed, variation, and pattern, and
all-important saliva, are what you need to be thinking
about. And that’s what I’ll help you do right now.
Easy on the pressure
The clitoris is not a magic button that must be found
at all costs and pressed repeatedly until you get her
orgasmic bells ringing—the clitoris head is even more
sensitive than your penis and some women simply
can’t handle having it touched directly. It is, however,
the key to her orgasm—a woman cannot orgasm
without stimulation to her clitoris (scientists believe
that even a “vaginal orgasm” occurs through stimulation
of the clitoris, but via the “arms” that extend
back into her body rather than the head that’s visible),
but the stimulation needn’t be direct. While masturbating,
women may use the palm of their hand, a flat
vibrator, or even a pillow—this allows for stimulation
Giving oral C 103
of the entire area, lips included, without putting too
much pressure directly on the clitoris. So how can you
simulate that in the bedroom? Easy—use your mouth
and chin, and bring your tongue out only for the
occasional flat pressure-lick. By using your lips, you
can’t apply the same zoned pressure on her clitoris
as you could with your tongue (try it on your hand
and you’ll see), but you’ll still be providing ample
stimulation to the entire region—plenty to bring her
to orgasm. Be thankful; pressing your lips into her
vulva rather than having to use your tongue on her
clitoris will save you a lot of tongue ache. Good news
for her, too—that means you’ll be able to engage in
some post-sex talking.
Practice makes perfect
Keeping up a constant pressure and rhythm is no
mean feat—but the tongue, just like any part of the
body, can be worked on to become fitter and stronger.
Midori, a world-renowned sex teacher, shows her
pupils how to perfect oral technique by using fruit
as well as a mint candy (you’ll have to ask her about
that one). She suggests using a plum to strengthen
your tongue muscles—you simply keep licking and
applying pressure until the skin breaks. Then once
you’ve broken through, you’ve got to find your way to
104 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
the plum’s stone and get it out! Do that regularly and
your muscles will grow to be big and strong.
And, just as you would after eating a plum, lick your
lips after going down on a woman, don’t wipe. That’s
the gentlemanly—and very sexy—thing to do.
Forget about licking the alphabet
This old trick has been written about in several sex
books and magazines, but I’m yet to meet a woman
who says it’ll bring her to orgasm. There is a small
possibility that she’ll climax by having the alphabet
licked onto her clitoris, but chances are it will be
interesting, exciting even, for no more than a half
a minute or so—as a teaser—quite quickly it will feel
rather frustrating, like being in bed with a man who
has to change sex position after every thrust. Keep the
alphabet trick for times you’d like to play with her or
get her aroused, but don’t rely on it to bring her to
orgasm, as you’re unlikely to succeed.
Use your hands, too
Ever enjoyed a woman’s hands squeezing your behind
while giving you oral? Ever reached climax as she’s
played with your nipples while sucking you? Ever been
sent over the edge as she’s handled your balls while
going down? Well, what a coincidence—women also
Giving oral C 105
like to be touched when a man goes down on them.
Trouble is, most men (and women when the roles are
reversed) are so focused on the task in hand—their
tongue and lips and her lips and clitoris—that they
forget she even has a body with plenty of other erogenous
zones that will bring her to a more explosive
orgasm sooner.
Try any of these hands-on approaches:
• Start at the bottom. Grab her behind to give yourself
better access and extra stimulation power—you
can push up as you lick down, maximizing the
effects of your tongue or lips.
• Find her breasts. If you have long enough arms
to play with her love pillows at the same time as
giving her oral, you’ll be rewarded with plenty of
brownie points.
• Press on her pubic mons. That’s the bony pubic
area above her vagina. Don’t do it hard, but if you
pull the flesh back here you expose her clitoris and
many women really enjoy the sensation.
• Don’t forget her hands. Grabbing her hands is a
nice intimate thing to do when you’re giving her
oral, plus it also gives you extra control—you can
106 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
pull her body down onto your face if you have both
of her hands in yours.
Techniques to bring her to orgasm quicker
Use one of the following moves when you go down on
her, but don’t forget to experiment: try variations of
each and make up new techniques!
The no-move move
Simply hold your tongue firm and let her do the
moving and shaking. As sex therapist Dr. Ian Kerner
puts it, “A flat, still tongue is one of the most underestimated
oral-sex techniques.” And he’s so right. If
women most enjoyed flicking, darting tongues, they’d
invest in a lizard—have you ever even seen a sex toy
designed to look like one? No. That’s because they
prefer a firm, even pressure. Hold your tongue and
you’ll hold the key to her orgasm.
The tip massage
Using the tip of your tongue, run it from above her
clitoris (near her pubic mound) to the clitoris head
itself—you should be able to feel a thin elastic “thread”
running along this line, this is the equivalent of your
penis’s frenulum (or banjo string). Now hook your
tongue under the clitoris head and, pushing down,
bring your tongue back up again. Her clitoris has a
Giving oral C 107
“hood” just like the foreskin on your penis, that can
be pushed and pulled down and up—that’s what you’re
doing with this move.
The cow-lick
Using your thumbs to keep her lips apart, use the flat,
middle part of your tongue on her clitoris. Rather
than moving your tongue, repeatedly move your head
and shoulders up and down an inch or so. She will
inevitably begin to gyrate her hips in time with your
movements or in a different rhythm. If she goes for
the different option, just hold your head still and let
her do the work.
The roundhouse lick
Like the legendary roundhouse kick by Patrick Swayze
in the film Road House, this involves using a full range
of motions. Because the clitoris has two “arms” that
extend back into the vaginal lips (in terms of size, it’s
actually bigger than the penis), you can bring a woman
closer to orgasm if you stimulate her lips as well as her
clitoris. With this move, lick in between her inner and
outer lips from the bottom to the top and back down
again on the other side; repeat until you feel dizzy,
then do it anticlockwise. For many women, this will
bring them to orgasm more easily because of the extra
stimulation to their lips. But if your woman needs
108 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
more direct clitoral action, gradually reduce the area
you’re covering with your tongue, until you’re just
rubbing her clitoris.
The dribble
This isn’t actually a move, it’s a rule to live by when
going down on your woman—licking her with a dry
mouth is like kissing without lips: practically pointless.
Have a sip of water, suck on a mint, or chew gum—the
latter will keep your breath fresh, give you more saliva,
and give her a tingling minty sensation down below.
Sometimes you need to keep a straight face
If she’s gyrating her hips like mad and you’re
desperately trying to keep up, stop—just keep your
head still! Sometimes you’re so, so close to bringing
her to that sweet moment of orgasmic release, but
because you’re not totally in tune with her body,
you’re not quite getting there. If she’s gyrating in
a certain way, keep doing whatever it is you were
doing—or simply stop. By trying to change what
you’re doing to adapt to her moves, you may be
doing the opposite of what she needs. If you’re using
an up and down motion and she’s circling her hips,
for example, it may simply mean that she needs both
those actions to hit the mark. Sometimes it’s easiest
Giving oral C 109
to keep your face in the same place and let her show
you the kind of pressure and rhythm she really likes.
Be glad—this way you’ll know exactly what does the
trick for next time.
Keep the pace
Increasing speed may be the key to greater success in the
world of Formula One racing, but it’s not what will get
you to the finishing line in the run up to her orgasm.
Generally speaking, if she’s enjoying what you’re doing,
don’t change a thing—just keep the same pace, the same
movement, the same rhythm and she’ll get to orgasm
sooner than if you change anything. Men who suffer
from premature ejaculation are often told to change
sex position regularly to avoid climax, the idea being
that by changing the stimulus the body has to readapt.
And in a sense, increasing the speed or changing the
pressure when you’re going down on a woman amounts
to the same thing: by doing so, you prevent her from
climbing the climax ladder. Hold it steady instead, and
she’ll get up and over the top far sooner.
When she’s about to come
Sometimes a woman is so close, so tantalizingly close
to orgasm that she daren’t move lest you stop what
you’re doing or she loses the “moment” and then
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doesn’t get there. In an ideal world, she’ll give you
some idea of this by gasping out a, “Yes!” or “I’m
going to come” while you’re down there, but chances
are, if she’s really close, she won’t be able to utter a
word. So how can you tell? Her body will be tense; it
won’t be floppy or relaxed. Keep a hand on her inner
thigh or stomach to judge this—if you can feel her
stomach muscles tense, she’s not asleep—she’s probably
just in a position where she’s getting maximum
pleasure and wants you to keep going.
Women often shudder and jerk after they’ve had a
particularly powerful orgasm, but she’ll let you know
if she’s had enough—quite possibly by sliding up the
bed away from your head, closing her legs or, if she’s
a classy lady, putting her hand on your face to pull it
up toward hers and giving you a kiss to say thank you
for giving her such a great time.
She doesn’t want oral!
There are lots of reasons why she may not enjoy it: it
might make her feel uncomfortable for emotional
reasons; she might be insecure about the way she looks
or smells; or you might just need more practice (in
which case, keep reading). But it may also be that she
simply enjoys the sensation of having a penis inside
her—for some women, penetration is a sexy feeling and
Giving oral C 111
they want that for orgasm. If that’s the problem, you can
easily solve it with your fingers, a dildo, or a vibrator.
If you’re using your fingers, you may find it difficult
to get your head and your hand into position. One
method to try, if she’s lying on her back, is to use
the thumb of your left hand inside her vagina, propping
yourself up with your right arm. Alternatively,
you can kneel on her right-hand side, lean on your
right elbow between her legs and use the same hand’s
fingers to penetrate her, leaving your other hand free
to touch her breasts or stimulate her vaginal lips while
you lick. A dildo or vibrator makes the task easier,
and with a vibrator you have the added advantage of
the vibrations, of course.
Don’t stick with what works
Even when something works perfectly, it’s still fun to
stir it up every now and again. Try using your nose
instead of your mouth and tongue. It might sound
odd, but when you think about it, the nose is perfectly
designed to be a clitoral stimulator—it’s firmer than
a tongue but with enough give not to be too hard like
a finger can be; it’s not a muscle so it won’t get tired;
and it leaves you free to breathe through your mouth.
She may not even realize you’re using your nose, but
she’s sure to appreciate the sensation.
112 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Another thing to try is a vibrator. Hold it against
your jawbone as you go down on her and it’ll carry
the vibrations to the rest of your mouth. Or try
humming (warn her you’re going to try this before
you do it, otherwise she’ll be worried for your sanity);
this produces vibrations, too.
And there’s always food: but forget your standard
strawberries and cream; although delicious they
don’t provide much extra sensation. To really experiment
with different sensations down there, use food
with different temperatures. Mango, halved and
with its skin still on, lightly warmed in an oven, feels
fantastic mashed up against the entire vulva; and if
you must do it with strawberries, cut them in half
and put them in the freezer for 40 minutes—that’s
just enough to get them nice and cold, perfect for
creating a nice cold sensation to contrast with the
warmth of your tongue.
Best Positions
Oral sex misses out when it comes to positions—all the
focus is on penetrative sex and the different variations
you can try. This section should change that, because
oral is all about the angle.
Giving oral C 113
On your knees
This position is great for men who suffer from neck- or
backache and women who like complete stimulation.
By positioning yourself on your knees on the floor at
the foot of the bed, with her body on the bed and her
feet on the floor on either side of you, your back is in
a far more natural position than if you’re crouched
in between her legs on the bed. Your neck can remain
straight instead of being bent crooked, which will
make the entire experience more comfortable and
enjoyable. This also works really well on the stairs.
This position allows far greater access to her lips
and clitoris, too—you can let your head and tongue
go as low as you like without the bed getting in the
way. The area between a woman’s vagina and anus,
the perineum, is highly sensitive to touch—use this to
your advantage and lick her in places she didn’t know
she loved to be licked.
On her knees
This is great for men who want to have an easy life
and women who know exactly how to bring themselves
to orgasm.
114 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Putting a few plump pillows behind your head
and shoulders, she kneels on all fours facing your
feet—her buttocks facing your face. Arching her back
allows you access and if you trust her not to suffocate
you with her fleshy peaches, she can control the
movements by thrusting with her body on and off or
around your tongue and face. Your hands are free to
play with her breasts (it’s easiest to slide your arm in
between her legs) or her derrière, or you can place a
strategic finger inside her vagina and put pressure on
her G-spot, about 5cm (2in) up inside her vagina’s
front wall.
Her on her side
Try it with her on her side and your head in between
her thighs: great for men who like a headrest and
women who like anal stimulation.
This is not the classic 69 position, where your bodies
are top to tail. Instead, your head is in between her
legs but you are facing her (so the rest of your body is
below and behind her body). You can easily rest your
head on her thigh and she can rest her upper leg on
your shoulder so that she doesn’t crush your head in a
vice-like orgasmic grip. Your hands are free to stimulate
her from behind, if she so wishes.
Giving oral C 115
69
This is great for men and women who can multitask.
The much-lauded 69 position is without doubt
one of the most difficult to master. Concentrating
on bringing a man or woman to orgasm through oral
sex is a job enough in itself, without having to relax
and enjoy the sensation of great oral sex on yourself.
It’s a lot like patting the top of your head and rubbing
your stomach in circular motions—you can get it right
for a bit, but eventually one or the other motion takes
over. In the 69 position that tends to mean that one or
other partner stops focusing on the task in hand—the
other person’s orgasm.
And it’s not just about finding it difficult to enjoy
giving and receiving pleasure simultaneously, it’s also
about practicality: some people simply aren’t physically
matched for 69. A very tall man and a small
woman, for example, will find that just as her mouth
reaches the tip of his penis her vulva is pulled just out
of reach of his searching tongue.
For all its difficulties, however, it’s a lot of fun trying.
Try it with one partner on all fours above the other,
top to tail. Whoever is on top has far more control of
what’s going on, which can prove frustrating to the
116 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
“under person,’ but at least this way one rhythm and
pace is kept to, making it easier. You can also try it
lying on your sides—that is, facing each other, top to
tail. This relaxed approach means that you can kiss,
lick, and suck each other and use your hands, too.
Standing
This is great for men who love to give and women who
love to dominate.
Not only will standing, rather than lying down, give
her an entirely different orgasmic experience, but this
is also a fantastic position for showing just how much
you lust for her. To have a man go down on one knee
is one thing, but to have him go down on both knees
and lick like a puppy-dog is a pleasure every woman
should enjoy.
Real Girls Tell All
NICKY on her first oral experience:
“I had no idea what he was doing—I didn’t even
know it was something people did—but I didn’t
Giving oral C 117
stop him. I still had my panties on and he was
just breathing on me, cupping his hands around
his mouth so his breath was concentrated in just
that one small area. It was like he breathed life
into my sexuality. That sounds a bit over the top
but it really was like that—it was the first time
anyone had even touched me down there and
I was instantly excited, but I didn’t even really
know what that feeling was. The feeling spread
from in between my legs to up my stomach and
down my legs, and over my whole body—all he
was doing was breathing but it felt so, so good.
I’d love for someone to just breathe on me like
that again; it was one of the most amazing experiences
of my life.”
EMILY on her fantasy oral experience:
“I’ve never had really great oral sex, but when
I fantasize I imagine a man with a really thick
tongue. It’s no ordinary tongue! He licks me
all over with his tongue, then he gets down in
between my legs and he licks my thighs hard, he
118 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
licks everywhere hard—but he hasn’t got a pointed
tongue, it’s almost flat at the tip, like a hammerhead
shark’s head! That’s why it’s so good—it’s
almost like having two tongues at once because
it’s wide and thick. He pushes up and down my
lips, not touching my clit, because he knows how
to get me going. Then, at the same time as I let
myself touch my clit (I’ve been fingering around
my lips while I’ve been thinking all this), he puts
his tongue on my clit. He pushes down on it and
pulls back up, and he’s enjoying it so much that
it’s like he’s going to come, too, just from doing
it to me. That’s it. That’s my fantasy. Does it for
me every time!”
JOANNA on her boyfriend’s technique:
“He’s just amazing. He eats me like I’m the tastiest
steak he’s ever seen and he’s been starved for
months. Honestly, it’s like he really wants to eat
me. He uses his whole mouth, not just his tongue
like some guys do. His lips squeeze on my lips; he
pushes with his lips and sucks on my lips, too. I
Giving oral C 119
don’t let him bite, that just hurts. He talks while
he’s down there, too. He says how much he wants
to eat me, how much he loves me, and how good
I taste—it makes me giggle but it turns me on so
much, too. It’s like he really does love going down
on me, like it really gives him as much pleasure
as it does me. When I’ve come, he sits up with a
big satisfied grin on his face—just like he would if
he’d had a good meal. I love that man.”
f6
Getting oral
You may wonder what fellatio has to do with blowing
a woman’s mind in bed—after all, it’s all about you,
right? Wrong. Women, just like men, enjoy sex
more if they believe they’ve given their partner a
fantastic experience. We want to be the best you’ve
ever had, and many women are extremely proud of
their blow-job abilities …and not always justifiably,
as I found out when talking to a male colleague of
mine: “When it comes to talking about fellatio skills,
women love to blow their own trumpets. But most
women I’ve met can’t blow a penis properly, let alone
a trumpet,” he told me. And according to one poll
on a men’s website, the majority of men would probably
agree with him—as six out of ten men said they
had never achieved an orgasm during fellatio. Not a
high success rate!
122 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
But I think there’s more to this than women’s apparent
inability to bring a man to orgasm with their mouths.
Women tend to use oral sex as a preamble to penetrative
sex in much the same way as men do with cunnilingus—
they don’t see it as a worthy end in its own
right. Adjusting her attitude toward it is key to making
the experience better for her and for you.
First Times
Even the most experienced, confident woman will be
uncertain of how successful she’ll be when she goes
down on you. No two men are the same in the technique
they enjoy and each penis is unique, too.
She’s got big, juicy blow-job lips
If you’re thinking her mouth was made for blow jobs,
chances are every other man she’s ever met or been
with has thought the same. Don’t join the predictables
by expecting, or worse, suggesting she gives you head
with those BJ lips of hers. Instead, keep showing her
you’re committed to her pleasure by giving her plenty
of oral sex. Women are more naturally inclined to be
givers rather than receivers—but when the gift, in this
case oral sex, is expected, it takes all the pleasure out of
giving. It’s not dissimilar to when you’ve already picked
Getting oral C 123
something out for her birthday, for example; something
you know she wants, but she can’t help dropping
enormous hints to let you know she wants it. Where’s
the pleasure in being told how to be giving?
A man who expects or demands fellatio is a man
who’ll end up with a partner who resents it. Women
with BJ lips are even more likely to feel like this, as
it’s highly likely that men have impressed upon them
how great their lips are for the task. It’s also a lot to
live up to—big lips do not a good blow job make. Far
from it; the size of her lips is largely irrelevant. Unless
she knows how to use them, and we’ll come to that
later, oral sex can be wholly unsatisfactory or mindblowingly
good.
Making sure you taste good
You’d be amazed at how just one little drop of your
golden pee can infuse your entire genital region with
eau de urine. Some of the most hygienic, clean-living,
nice-smelling men have odorous genitals. I blame a
lack of toilet-tissue use. The majority of men prefer
to shake their tails, then place them back inside their
underpants, despite the fact that droplets undoubtedly
remain. If you’ve ever tried shaking water out of a
wine glass, for example, you’ll see how impossible it is
to shake water off an object—and a wine glass is smooth
124 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
and shiny, so even easier to shake liquid off. Your penis
is skin and so holds liquid on it, absorbs it even. Use
tissue to dab away at your end and not only will your
genital area smell sweeter but also you won’t come out
of the toilet with splash marks on your trousers.
And if you want her to get down there and be really
enthusiastic, wash thoroughly first. If you use soap
and water, you must rinse thoroughly—soapy mouth
is as bad as pee-underpants. So have a shower, use a
bidet or just use plain water to give her the best fellatio
experience possible.
The taste of your semen
Some women love it, some hate it, but most find it not
exactly pleasant but not disgusting either. Personally,
I think it’s a bit like watery, slightly salted semolina—
not the best thing I’ve ever tasted, but certainly not
the worst (the durian fruit in Thailand, if you must
know—smells and tastes like rotten flesh). To make
yours taste better, avoid strongly flavored foods.
If you’ve ever noticed how your body odor changes
after you’ve been eating garlic or onion, or drinking
alcohol or coffee, that’s the same kind of flavor she’ll
get in your semen. Semen is made up of water, small
amounts of salt, fructose sugar, and protein—these
“ingredients” all come from your body, so they’re
Getting oral C 125
bound to take on a mild version of the flavor of whatever
you’ve been eating. Try drinking lots of water,
and eating plenty of fruit to sweeten it. Your armpits
will smell better, too. Bonus!
But don’t get too hung up on the flavor, as often it’s
the texture of your ejaculate that’s off-putting. If you get
lumps in your semen, it could be a build up of old semen
mixing with new—so the answer is to masturbate. It’s
good for you—see “Hands-Solo Style,” pages 166-170,
on masturbation to find out more reasons why.
When she’s too quick to head down there
Ever had a woman head down there after just a few
minutes of kissing? You may have loved it, but chances
are, you’re a little freaked by her eagerness—you may
not be ready to have her down there.
The problem lies in how we perceive oral sex. There’s
a myth that most women subscribe to, and that’s that
men love blow jobs above all else—above penetrative
sex, above beer, above sports, even. Ask most men
if this is the case and they’ll say they enjoy penetrative
sex more, and some will even say fellatio is hugely
overrated. But in many women’s minds, it’s the ultimate
sexual gift. Why? The media and porn films
undoubtedly contribute to its popularity, but I think
126 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
schools and parents also help give fellatio a special
status. Teenagers are taught about procreation and
penetrative sex; their parents may even tell them how
it all works, but will they describe fellatio, too? It’s
less likely. And so teenage boys become obsessed with
knowing what it is, giggling about it and writing about
it on toilet walls. Without realizing it, they’re sending
a message to a generation of young women that says,
“We love blow jobs more than anything else.”
If it feels too soon for her to be heading down there,
gently take her head up toward yours and kiss her. I
hear from more and more men who complain that
too many women just want to take things too fast.
Don’t let her set the pace if it’s too soon for you; it’ll
only ruin it for both of you in the long run. If she
needs an explanation as to why you didn’t want to let
her fellate you, just tell her you were getting really
turned on kissing her. She’ll be surprised, but she
won’t be disappointed.
Slowing the blowing
Lots of women head between a man’s legs, then go at
it like a bobbing woodpecker—they mistakenly believe
that this is the easiest and quickest way to bring you to
orgasm. Men are always being told to slow down, to let
women get in the mood—I’ve probably said it several
Getting oral C 127
times in this book—but women are rarely told to take
it down a couple of gears, because there’s an assumption
that men are always ready. But men, just like
women, will get far more aroused and have stronger
and stiffer erections, and more powerful orgasms,
if they are teased, flirted, played with, and seduced.
But because lots of our sexual “knowledge” comes
from pornography or television erotica, where men
are ready to go—go at it hard—ejaculating copious
amounts of semen everywhere, we think all men like
it hard and fast all the time.
Then there’s the other problem: that blow jobs are
often something women would quite frankly like to
get over and done with, with as little fuss and effort as
possible. That’s not always the case, and some women
absolutely love giving head, but even when you love
it, it’s hard work! Imagine spending more than five
minutes sucking a washed zucchini (deep throat too!)
and tell me how you think your mouth and jaw would
feel. Holding your mouth around something for a
long period of time is effort in itself, but add to that
the need to apply pressure, swirl your tongue around,
use your hands, and possibly throw in some moaning
to add to the experience, and it’s a real task. No
wonder women are paid to do it—and why it’s called
a blow job.
128 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
So how can you make her slow down or ease up if you
want to? Use your hands and your mouth—place a hand
on the underside of her jaw as though you’re cupping
her face to kiss her; that is, don’t grab—that will help
slow her head movements down, and as you do so,
moan or breathe deeply and slowly. Women are used to
using non verbal communication to read people and
so changing your breath or moaning like this should
help give her an indicator to slow down. Using your
hand emphasizes the rhythm you’re hoping for and
she should slow down. This is also a good technique
for suggesting she goes faster later on.
Those teeth, those teeth!
Blame Jackie Collins—I do. Reading her books as a
young teenager gave me much of the knowledge of
fellatio and sex I took with me into my first sexual
experiences. And in her books, good sex always comes
with power, money, and a little bit of pain—the
exciting sexy female character would take her man
into her mouth and let her teeth sink into his skin,
making him scream in pleasure. But it’s not just
Jackie Collins; read a few sex advice books and there’s
often a mention of dragging teeth along the penis to
heighten sensation or to spice things up a bit.
Getting oral C 129
And, of course, some men do get off on the feeling,
but not many (some men also enjoy having their testicles
rubbed with a cheese grater, but it’s certainly not
the norm). If the two people in a couple trust each
other, playing with pain-pleasure can make things
exciting—the uncertainly of how hard she’ll bite or
the near-pain of her dragging teeth could make the
sex seem more passionate, more out of control. But if
you don’t know each other well enough for that level
of trust, or if it really doesn’t do it for you, as is the
case for most men, you need to get her to stop—fast.
Luckily, there’s an easy and quick solution to this:
saying “Ow!” once is enough to stop her ever trying
the teeth-dragging experiment again. Yes, it’s harsh,
but once said, the problem is solved.
No skin versus foreskin
It’s not just women who get confused about what to
do with a circumcised penis if they’re used to a noncircumcised
one and vice versa—even men do. I’ve had
readers asking me how to masturbate because they’ve
just been circumcised.
If she’s only known circumcised guys…
A woman who’s only known circumcised penises will
firstly be amazed at all this “excess” skin and what to
130 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
do with it. But more importantly, she’ll also likely
be scared of hurting you if you haven’t been cut. It’s
that frenulum, or banjo string as it’s often called,
attaching your foreskin to your penis. It looks like it
could snap, just like a real banjo string, and so she
imagines that yanking about on your penis, your
foreskin, is kind of dangerous.
If she’s touching you like you’re a piece of Ming
Dynasty china, it’s time to take her in hand. Place your
hand over hers and apply pressure so she can see how
she can manipulate you without causing pain. She’ll
soon get the hang of it, and eventually she’ll find it
just as easy as she did with circumcised guys.
If she’s only known uncircumcised guys …
For this woman, the cut guy presents somewhat of
a conundrum—she knows that the foreskin can be
pulled back and forth to stimulate the penis, so what
does she do with this penis without a foreskin? It can
be flummoxing, to say the least. Not used to stimulating
a penis so directly—that is, being able to touch
the entire shaft under the foreskin—can also make
her want to be more careful when handling your
manhood. Or conversely, it can mean she grabs and
uses pressure on your shaft that is actually too painful
to bear when it doesn’t have a long foreskin to protect
Getting oral C 131
it. Either way, you need to use your hands to show her
what to do. And the key to making it work (this goes
for masturbating on your own, too) is lubrication:
this gives you or her the ability to slide up and down
your shaft without too much friction, just enough to
bring you to orgasm.
She just won’t go down
Some women just don’t like the sensation of a penis
inside their mouth; others don’t like the taste of your
skin; and others may dislike the notion of having a
man’s genitals in their mouth for moral or hygiene
reasons. There is absolutely nothing you can do to
change a woman’s mind if she doesn’t like doing it. If
she knows it’s something that disgusts her, for whatever
reason, no matter how hard you plead, she’s still
going to find it disgusting. All you’ll succeed in doing
is making her do something she hates, and she’ll end
up resenting you for it. Never push a woman into
going down on you—you’ll only end up being pushed
out of her bed and her life.
Helping Her to Get It Right
No woman is going to take too kindly to being told
she’s no good at oral sex, but there’s no reason why
132 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
you can’t show her how to get her technique right to
make it work for you.
She sucks it like a soft ice cream
Lick it like a lollipop, swirl your tongue around it
like an ice cream, and suck on it like a banana—all
these bits of fellatio advice are good but they might
result in the wrong kind of blow job for you. Women
read sex advice in books or magazines, or they talk
to their friends, just like you do. The impression
given by many friends, magazines, or books is that
just one lick of her tongue on your supersensitive,
highly charged penis is enough to make it explode
in milkiness all over her face. In reality, of course,
most men need a bit more stimulation than a quick
flick of the tongue.
The best way to encourage her to apply more pressure
is to use your mouth. Tell her you want more pressure
by saying, “Mmm, you’re teasing me.” She’ll realize
that she has to up the pressure and speed in order to
stop “teasing” you and to begin seriously pleasuring
you. Saying, “Harder!” or “Faster!” is more direct,
but sounds like a command. Whereas she might enjoy
that, she’s more likely to find it irritating and give you
your marching orders instead.
Getting oral C 133
She gags whenever she tries to go deep
Why do men enjoy deep throat so much? Because the
head of the penis gets stimulated by touching the back
of a woman’s throat—but it’s precisely this touching that
usually gives a woman a gag reflex. The very worst thing
you can do here is to put your hand on her head and
try to guide her or to thrust. In fact, thrusting during
fellatio is usually a sure fire way to make sure she gags,
as she has no way of controlling how deep down her
throat you go. Just let her find her rhythm; let her find
the right speed and the depth she can handle.
A position to make it easier
You can also try different angles to help her get more
of you inside her. Side-on, if you’re lying down, is
easier, but the side of her head should be parallel
to your belly to make sure your penis goes down
her throat rather than into her molars (ouch!). It’s
often recommended women lie face up on bed with
their heads hanging over the edge of a bed to extend
and lengthen the throat, while the man penetrates
standing up beside her, but this is risky, as the man
has to control the thrusting—which, if she’s prone to
gagging, is likely to make her gag even more. By far the
best position is if you’re standing by the side of the
bed and she is kneeling on it, taking you slightly from
134 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
one side. This way, you can see what she’s doing and
she gets complete control and can easily use her hands,
too—on your shaft, your buttocks or anywhere else.
She goes at it like she’s a vacuum cleaner?
Does she seem desperate to get the job done? Going
at it as fast and hard as possible? Yet another myth that
needs to be busted: men are not robots who will come
when a certain oral sex technique is applied. Men,
just like women, enjoy different rhythms, techniques,
and speeds when it comes to oral sex. The trouble is,
women have been led to believe that a mouth around
a man’s penis, a hammer up-and-down action, and a
few strategic moans are enough to make any man come.
The truth is that, just like a man needs to get to know
a body anew each time he’s with a different woman,
understanding how she likes to be touched, kissed,
and stimulated, so a woman needs to with a man.
To encourage her to change pace or rhythm, try having
sex 69-style, with you on top and her beneath you.
That way, you can control the speed with which your
penis goes in and out of her mouth but she’s also
getting something out of the deal. It’s a great way
for both of you to show each other exactly what style
of oral you like. And hopefully you can kiss Woody
Woodpecker good-bye.
Getting oral C 135
Stopping and starting: why she does it
A common complaint from men is that women stop
and start when giving head, and usually just as they’re
starting to build up to climax. Poor you. The trouble
is that it’s an art form getting your breathing right
while fellating. And you can forget it if she’s got a
blocked nose.
You need to encourage her to keep using her hand on
your head and shaft at the same rhythm whenever she
stops to take her mouth away from your penis. And
the best way to keep her doing this is to show her with
your own hand, taking over where she’s left off, or by
giving her signs of how close you are to climax with
your breathing and your voice. You’ll be amazed at the
effect you can have with just the occasional “mmm” or
“yeah’—it’s often enough to encourage another five
full minutes of enthusiastic blow jobbing from her.
Getting more for your oral
We’re all guilty of thinking a tongue and lips are
enough to bring the opposite sex to orgasm—men
think it’s enough for cunnilingus, and women do for
fellatio, too. But both are dramatically improved with
a bit of hands-on action. Take her hand and, with
yours on top, show her how she can use it along with
her mouth.
136 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Encouraging More Oral
For some men, there is no such thing as too much
fellatio—in fact, fellatio is often used as foreplay
rather than an end in itself. Kind of unfair, when
you consider that so many men are expected to go
down on a woman until she orgasms. I believe there
are two common themes for women who don’t like to
go down: they don’t like the idea/taste/sensation of
you in their mouth, or they’re not confident about
what they’re doing. It’s difficult to do much about the
first, but the second can be dealt with.
When she gives up too soon
Men’s penises are perceived by women, and portrayed
by the media, as loaded guns, ready to go off at the
slightest touch, and so women are understandably
dismayed when they discover that it takes a little more
effort than a spot of licking and sucking to get the
big explosion. The result is that they think they’re no
good at it. But as I mentioned earlier, only four out
of ten men have ever experienced an orgasm through
oral sex. If she knew that, she would undoubtedly feel
more confident about going down on you.
To get her to continue and to make her realize she’s
perfectly capable of taking you to climax, you need to
Getting oral C 137
communicate with her while she’s down there. You may
want to lie back and just enjoy the experience, but unless
you give her some guiding “mmm’s,” “Yes,” “That’s
great,” “Don’t stop,” she won’t know that you’re getting
close to climax nor that you want her to continue. You’ve
got to communicate if you want to get what you want
in bed. Men are too reticent in being vocal about what
feels good in bed, but if you hold back with the encouragement,
the person who loses out is you, because your
partners won’t know what feels good.
It’s always a prelude to penetration
Think about it: once she’s made you come, she knows
you’re going to be pretty useless at continuing sex.
Women are expected to be able to continue with
sex after they’ve had an orgasm through oral sex or
being stimulated manually; men, however, aren’t.
It’s generally seen as gentlemanly to allow a woman
to orgasm first, then it’s the man’s turn—but that
rule only serves to support the idea that once a
man’s come, the sex is over. Orgasms release sleepinducing
chemicals in both sexes—that’s why both men
and women masturbate to try to get to sleep when it’s
difficult (yes, women do it, too). And that’s also why
most people—male or female—would quite happily
drift off or relax after they’ve climaxed.
138 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
The trick to changing this situation is changing your
attitudes toward sex. Give her an orgasm without
having one yourself. Do it several times over a few
weeks so that she begins to realize it wasn’t a one-off.
That way, you introduce the idea that it’s not essential
for both of you to orgasm each time you get into
bed with each other. Then, if there are times in your
relationship when one of you is too stressed/disinterested/
lazy to orgasm, the other person can enjoy their
climax without feeling guilty.
The “you used to give me blow jobs” sob story
She thinks she’s impressed you with her bedroom
moves, so now she can head into the comfort zone—
there’s no need for deep-throating any more! It’s a
common story and it holds true for both sexes—it’s all
too easy to get lazy.
And as I mentioned earlier, blow jobs are hard work.
That said, she shouldn’t give up on giving them just
because you’ve been together for a while. Good sexual
relationships stay that way because both partners
“work” at keeping it good. But don’t complain; that
will just get her back up. Instead, focus on complimenting
her on her skills. When you’re having
dinner, look wistfully into the distance, with a secret
Getting oral C 139
smile on your face. Don’t say a word. Give it about
45−60 seconds and she’s bound to ask, “What are
you thinking about?” Now’s your chance: “I was just
remembering that time when you…” and describe a
time when she gave you a fantastic oral experience.
The flattery will get her thinking and it’s a nice subtle
way to encourage her to do it again.
She knows she’s no good
And you know it, too. When she goes down on
you, it does nothing for you and she picks up on
that—you think it feels nice, but not amazing. What
to do? Communicate. Talk. Speak. Show. Tell. Chat.
Converse. Just tell her what feels good! How can she
improve if you don’t talk to her? Try: “What I’d love
is if you could squeeze your cheeks in tight when you
suck on my penis,” “I love it when you press hard with
your tongue,” or “I wish you’d massage my buttocks
as you suck me.” Obviously change the words to suit
your own preferences.
If saying what you want out loud is too difficult, try
reading a book (like this one!) that gives tips and
advice for both partners; an instructional sex DVD
is even better, as you can see what’s going on—and
usually, these are designed for couples, so you could
140 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
say it was for both of you to improve technique and
try new things.
More ways to get more
Try introducing new things to the bedroom to
encourage oral sex, too. A tongue vibrator is a nice way
to introduce new sensations into the experience—an
ideal way to encourage her to enjoy it, and it makes
it more likely that you’ll orgasm, too. And you can
use food to make the experience seem more like fun,
rather than about her fellatio technique or getting
you to orgasm. Try using frozen fruits—if she holds
a mouthful of frozen raspberries in her mouth as she
licks and sucks you, it draws attention away from her
technique and makes it more fun. The cold of the ice
and the warmth of her mouth will feel great for you,
and fellatio will never have tasted so good for her.
And if all else fails, suggest she reads this for some
ideas:
• Starting with a soft penis, take your man in your
mouth and suck him as though he were a big
lollipop, squeezing with your tongue and your
mouth to get the sweet juicy flavor out of it. Don’t
be too gentle; your tongue and mouth are quite
soft anyhow.
Getting oral C 141
• Now that he’s hard, play with his penis head.
Swallow it with your mouth—cover your teeth
with your lips if you have to—and suck your
cheeks in so that you create suction on the tip of
his penis. Use your tongue to push and explore
as you do this.
• Let your lips leave his penis head, but leave your
tongue circling it. Focus on the ridge and on
the frenulum, if he has one (the piece of skin
that connects his foreskin to his penis). Let your
tongue ride up and down his shaft. If your mouth
is dry, drink some water. Lubrication makes blow
jobs so much better.
• “Eat” your way up and down his shaft—use your
lips to pull and push on his skin as though you
were trying to eat it without your teeth. Keep your
tongue moving up and down, too.
• As you do this, use your hands to touch the head
of his penis—rub the palm of your hand on the top
and use your fingers to give it a gentle squeeze.
• Use your hands elsewhere—on his testicles, on his
buttocks, or on his nipples. Now circle your thumb
and forefinger around his penis and place your
142 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
mouth above that circle. Moving them in unison
up and down his penis, keep your tongue applying
pressure to his penis, but use your hand to apply a
firm up-and-down movement. This gives him the
delicious sensation of your mouth but the pressure
he needs from your hand.
• Twist your hand as you move down ever so slightly
to increase the stimulation, release the pressure
on the upstroke, then apply it more firmly on the
downward stroke. Use both hands as well as your
lips and your tongue. Use the rest of your body,
too—press your breasts into his leg or on to his
hands; use your vocal chords to make noises he’ll
feel as vibrations on his penis.
• To bring him to climax, listen to his breathing and
what he says as you change and try different touches
and techniques—when his breathing becomes
faster and harder (not necessarily louder), he’s
getting close to climax. Do not stop whatever it is
you’re doing. Hold on tight because this rocket’s
about to lift off!
Getting oral C 143
Real Girls Tell All
SHARON describes how she gives head:
“I’ve got quite big teeth so I have to fold my lips
over the edges when I go down on my man, but
I think that actually makes it work even better,
because I’ve got a lot of pressure as I go up and
down his shaft. I usually start by licking his shaft
from the bottom all the way to the top, flicking
my tongue at the top—I’ll do that over and over
until he’s really hard, then I’ll give his head a
good suck. I make a lot of noise but I think he
quite likes that. Then I build up the pressure
and eventually I’m really going at it hard; I even
break out in a sweat! Right at the end, when I can
feel he’s going to come, I slow right down—he
still comes but he says the orgasm’s even better
because I don’t let it come straight off.”
144 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
ADIE describes her best fellatio techniques:
“Eye contact, it’s all about eye contact. My husband
loves it when I look him right in the eye while I’m
sucking him off. That’s why I always make sure
my man is sitting down before I go down on him.
I like to unzip him too, and take him out of his
underpants—for him and me; it’s all part of the
process. There’s something so sexy about it if he
keeps his clothes on. I make sure I lick every last
drop of him up, put him back inside, and zip him
up. He can’t do enough for me for weeks after!”
f7
Using your hands
on her body
Love may be blind, but we’re all feeling in the dark
when it comes to sex—mainly because most of us shut
or half-close our eyes. And that’s what makes your
hands so important during sex—with them you’re
“looking” at her body; you’re admiring her breasts
or her shapely buttocks or the silky smoothness of
her inner thigh. No wonder, then, that in surveys
18 percent of women say hands are the part of your
body they’re most attracted to. What you do with
yours, where you put them, how you move them,
and the pressure you use affects far more than your
own sense of her body; however, it can be the thing
to bring her to orgasm. And you can also help her
use her hands to make your sex experience better—
because sex isn’t all about her; good sex is good for
both of you.
146 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Her Body
Make her feel like a goddess by adoring every part of
her, but focus on her hot spots, too—these are the
places that are most likely to arouse her.
Around her face
You’d be surprised at how much stress she’s holding in
that pretty face of hers. By giving her temples and forehead
a massage, you’ll relax her after a hard day—and
she’ll become aroused only once she’s relaxed, so this
is a good move to try on any day of the week. And look
for her lips to part. If she’s uptight or tense her lips
will stay shut; when she’s feeling more relaxed, they’ll
fall slightly apart.
On her lips
You’ll often touch her lips with yours but don’t forget
to use your fingers, too. Try touching her lips lightly
with your thumb, looking directly at her mouth as you
do so, then kissing her. It’s a very sexy move.
On the back of her neck
This is a “melt” location. The skin tends to be thinner
where the body bends or flexes—backs of the knees,
neck, inner elbows, and so on—which means that
blood vessels are closer to the skin’s surface, making
Using your hands on her body C 147
it supersensitive. Moving her hair gently away from
her neck to kiss it, or letting your fingers move over
her neck, makes her feel exposed, in a good way—it’s
one of the most sensuous moves you can use.
On her hips
Placing your hands on her hips during a kiss or sex
makes her feel feminine and sexy. When you’re facing
her, try placing your hands low on her hips but letting
your thumbs move inwards closer to her pubic area.
This is a highly sensitive part of her body because, like
on the neck, the blood is very close the surface. Press
gently with your thumbs and slide them up and down.
Careful, though, this is a hot zone—she might just
melt on the spot.
On her behind
Putting your hands on her behind during a kiss makes
your intentions clear—if you pull her body in toward
yours, pressing her pelvis into yours, it can be a huge
turn-on.
On the small of her back
One strategically placed hand on the small of her back
to pull her in toward you during a kiss is fantastically
romantic and passionate. Like the bum move, it also
148 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
pulls her pelvis to yours and puts you in control, but
this is a little more gentlemanly and the sexier for it.
It’s also where most of the nerve endings on her back
are located—the upper area isn’t anywhere near as
sensitive.
On her breasts
It goes without saying that her breasts are a fantastic
place to touch her if you want to get her aroused or
give her pleasure. Since they’re packed with nerve
endings, you don’t need to be rough to get a good
response: feather-light touching will arouse more
nerves to begin with.
At the sides of her body, just below her underarms
This is a great teasing spot—you’re not touching her
breasts but you’re arousing the nerve endings in that
area, so she’ll be getting really turned on. Touch her
just above the skin. She has very fine golden hairs that
you can’t see, and as your fingers move over her skin
they’re stimulated, giving her a wonderful sensation.
Your Touch
Ask a woman if she’d rather have sex with a man whose
hands were tied but whose penis was big or a man
Using your hands on her body C 149
with a smaller than average penis whose hands were
free, and I can guarantee that most would choose the
second man. That’s not to say size doesn’t matter—it
does—it’s just that what you can do with your hands is
more likely to bring her to orgasm.
Using your thumbs during kissing
Where you put your hands during a kiss can make or
break the experience. Sometimes it’s not your mouth
or tongue that sends quivers down her spine, but
the location of your fingers. Try sliding your hand
up and down the sides of her upper body. The area
just under her arm and by the sides of her breasts
is incredibly sensitive, and being touched there will
really turn her on. To improve further on this move,
run your hands down her sides but let your thumbs
take a more risqué route than your fingers and palm
by pointing them in toward your body, so that they
run very close to her breasts.
Tough touch or feather light?
There are times when a firm, even rough, touch can
work without any preamble—but generally being
teased first, aroused slowly, will make a woman (and
man, incidentally) far more turned on. The longer
you can build up the sexual tension, the greater
150 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
her and your orgasm will be—because that’s what an
orgasm is, a release of that tension.
So how can you assess whether it’s the right time for
a fast and furious approach? As you’re kissing or
touching, speed it up just a little or apply a firmer
touch—if she responds by pushing back at you harder,
grabbing your behind just as firmly and pressing her
lips hard against yours, then she’s feeling just as sexually
rowdy. But if you don’t get that response, if she
remains soft in your arms, maybe even slows down,
then she’s not ready for that level of touch yet. Take
your time, keep touching her gently, maybe even
pull away for a bit to tease her and get her revved up.
Think of her as bread dough—she needs a bit of time
gently warming to get aroused, before you give her a
thorough kneading.
Making your hands look vulva-friendly
If a woman had dirty-looking teeth and chapped lips,
would you want her mouth on your penis? Not likely.
And that’s why your hands need to be well looked
after if you want to play with her erogenous zone.
It’s not just a question of looking groomed and like
you care for yourself, a dirty fingernail or unwashed
hand can give her a bladder infection. Many women
have experienced cystitis at one time or another, and
Using your hands on her body C 151
everyone who has will do what she can to make sure it
doesn’t happen again. Its symptoms include excruciating
pain when she pees and a feeling of needing to
pee all the time, and if it’s left untreated, it can infect
the kidneys, too. Although it is less common, cystitis
can also affect men, so don’t just think it’s a problem
for her. The best ways to avoid it is not to let anything
dirty come into contact with her vagina (also a reason
for never moving from her anus to vagina), and to
pee before and after sex.
Use a scrubbing brush to get under your fingernails,
and use hot soapy water. And wash them after you
pee, too—hands up: who doesn’t? You know who you
are. The way you look after your hands says a lot to
her about your overall hygiene, and if you want her to
imagine your hands on her with a smile on her face,
you’d better make sure you scrub up.
Digital manipulation, aka fingering her
I wish there was a more adult-sounding phrase to
describe this sexual act, but “fingering” is what most of
us immediately know and understand to be touching
a woman with your fingers to bring her to orgasm.
And this is where a little light reading of her women’s
magazines might come in handy. Since they’re full of
techniques to teach “your guy” and ways to a better
152 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
orgasm, you’ll learn a lot about her by leafing through
her chick lit. But for now, here’s some of the information
you’ll find in her magazines:
Her clitoris isn’t just that little nub you can see; it
extends a couple of inches inside her vagina—not
down the vaginal canal where you put your penis, or
your fingers, but around the outer lips (labia majora)
in two “arms.” So to get her really turned on and give
her the equivalent of a warm-up hand job, you need
to touch those parts. Stroke her lips from the bottom
to the top as you would a cat’s head, using several
fingers at once; use one moistened finger to trace
inside the outer lips, then inside the inner lips; use
the palm of your hand on the entire lip area, rubbing
gently. Hold the entire vulva in your hand with your
palm on her pubic bone and pubic hair and your
fingers facing down, covering her vaginal lips, and
gently massage the area as though it were a soft, overripe
furry peach that you’d like to squeeze just a little
juice out of.
Have you got your finger on the button?
It’s quite possible you’re a bit off-center. You will have
seen hundreds of other men’s penises in changing
rooms and toilets, but women have only rarely seen
the same number of other women’s clitorises—that
Using your hands on her body C 153
means they have less knowledge about how different
they are from other women. They may have no idea
that they have a tiny clitoris, an unusually shaped one
or a huge one. And until you’ve explored this particular
woman you also won’t know.
Some women have bright pink, pea-like clitorises
that appear like a flower bud in spring when they’re
aroused; others have bean-sized ones that are visible
even when they’re not aroused; and others still have
clitorises that never come out to play, they’re so wellhidden
under her skin.
How to locate any woman’s clitoris
So first, let’s describe exactly where a clitoris is and
what form it takes. If you imagine a wishing bone from
a chicken, you’ve got a pretty good approximation of
the shape of a clitoris inside a woman. The apex of the
bone represents the clitoris; the two “arms” extend
back in toward her body and are “housed” inside
her body. Locating a clitoris isn’t difficult: run your
fingers from the bottom of her vaginal lips, on the
inside, until you get to the top where the inner lips
join. Above the inner-lip join and below the outerlip
join is where you’ll find the clitoris, a small nub of
flesh that feels more solid that the surrounding skin
when it’s aroused. Some people describe it as feeling
154 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
like a nose, but I think that’s misleading as it sounds
quite big and protruding—it can be tiny, or the size of
a lentil, the size of a blueberry or even a broad bean.
Whatever it feels like, it will always be located at the
top of a woman’s vaginal lips.
Search as you might, you cannot see her clitoris
It could be shy…The clitoris itself has a “foreskin”—
this is the equivalent of your penis foreskin. Just like
men, some women have big foreskins, whereas others
have ones so tiny they’re unnoticeable. This hood, as
it’s called, sometimes covers the clitoris when it’s at
its most aroused, to protect it, so don’t be concerned
if her clit is covered up. To manipulate or stimulate
her clitoral hood, take her aroused clitoris gently
between your finger and thumb and push back toward
her body. You can also achieve this by pulling the
skin back just above her clitoris with your thumb. Be
extremely gentle. If you look, you will be able to see
that you have pulled back some skin and her clitoris
is revealed. But be aware that some women will love
it if you now touch her clitoris directly whereas other
women won’t be able to handle such a direct touch.
Many women prefer to be touched just above the
clitoris, or to the sides.
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One great rule to apply to all clitoral stimulation
Go gently and watch her response to see what she
likes—she can always push her pubic area toward your
hand, but it’s more difficult for her to pull away, so
always opt for a more gentle touch. Remember, the
gentleman always gets the girl.
Deep-finger thrusting
How many times does your mom have to tell you?
You should only play in the shallows. Well, maybe
not all the time, but certainly when you’re getting her
warmed up (your girlfriend, not your mom). Only
the outer third of the vagina has many nerve endings;
deeper inside there’s virtually no sensation at all, so
your efforts deep down inside won’t be having all that
much effect. You can, however, try to stimulate her
G-spot, a bundle of nerves about 2in up the front
wall of her vagina. It doesn’t do it for all women, but
try rubbing your finger over the area, or pressing
down on it gently—combined with stimulation on her
clitoris, it can produce an astoundingly good orgasm.
But don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t have the desired
effect of helping her to orgasm—instead, focus your
fingers’ attention on the first 1in or so of her vaginal
canal and her lips where she has more sensation.
156 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
When deep-finger thrusting is great
You may have read about “clitoral” and “vaginal”
orgasms. This is a controversial differentiation
because scientists are yet to prove that there’s a quantifiable
difference—especially now that they’ve discovered
the clitoral arms extend quite far back into the
woman’s body. That said, penetrating her vagina may
well give her a different orgasm from when you play
with her clitoris alone.
It’s all too easy to focus on the clitoris and forget to
pleasure her elsewhere (a bit like if she concentrated
on the head of your penis, without handling the rest of
your shaft or fondling your balls, bum, and so on). So
while you’re fingering her clitoris, use your other hand
to stimulate her vaginal lips and her vaginal canal.
Slide a finger inside her as you use your fingers on
her clitoris, or use your thumb if it’s easier. Use the
same rhythm on her clitoris that you use inside her,
and make sure you give her lips and the outer third of
her vaginal canal lots of stimulation, as these are the
parts with the most nerve endings.
The figure-eight technique
You’ve probably read about this trick. But, like
licking the alphabet (see Chapter 5, page 104), it’s by
Using your hands on her body C 157
no means a guarantee for giving her an orgasm. The
figure-eight technique, where you move around her
clitoris in the pattern of an eight, will tease and excite
a woman and possibly even bring her to orgasm, but
for every woman who enjoys it, there’ll be another who
needs to have her clitoris rubbed like you’re trying to
remove paint off a door knob, and another who can
only bear to have her clitoral sides touched, and yet
another who needs a constant tapping to get her off.
Every woman is different.
Clitoris finger moves
Here’s a list of some techniques you can try. This list
is not exhaustive, so experiment, mix them up, and
enjoy the exploration:
• Press and rub. Using your palm, or the base of
your fingers, you push against her clitoris and
the surrounding area, making small movements
up and down in a circular motion, as well as side
to side.
• Side massage. Using your index finger and your
third finger, locate the clitoris and put your
fingers on either side of it. Now let your fingertips
move up and down at the sides of her clitoris.
If you do this with your fingers pointing toward
158 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
her anus, try to feel for a muscle-like thread that
leads toward the top of her vulva from her clitoris.
This can be incredibly sensitive to touch and help
her to orgasm.
• Lip slide. Put your third finger in between her
inner lips—this only works if hers are at least
¼−½in with your index finger and ring finger on
the outsides. This creates a kind of “lip sandwich.’
Slide your hand up and down so that the base of
your fingers is riding over her clitoris. Stimulating
her inner lips like this feels fantastic.
• Finger squeeze. Some women can handle more
clitoral stimulation than others, and if your
woman’s up for it, you can knead her clitoris
between your thumb and index finger. It’s incredibly
intense and may well prove to be too much, so
be careful.
When she’s a palm-needer
A lot of women don’t use their own fingers to bring
themselves to orgasm, so why would yours work where
hers can’t? For these women, the palm of your hand,
a flat vibrator or a pillow works far better than fingers
because it stimulates a far bigger area—her vaginal lips
as well as her clitoris.
Using your hands on her body C 159
Try a different method. If you’re lying next to her,
place your entire hand over her vulva with your
fingers pointing down toward her behind. Using the
heel of your hand, massage her clitoris along with the
surrounding skin. For some women this is the best
route to orgasm. If you’re lying in between her legs,
place your palm against her vaginal lips and massage
her entire vulva with firm circular movements. When
her head goes back and her back begins to arch as she
thrusts toward you, you know you’ve got it right—from
here on in, you’re her treasured palm pilot.
Clitoral overkill
The clitoris is a fickle old thing—first it’s too sensitive,
but then, if you rub it too hard or for too long,
it gets bored and loses sensation. It’s almost as though
the body shuts down nerve endings in the area because
the sensation is too intense. This often happens if
you start with a too-hefty touch, so always try to build
up slowly. With the clitoris, less really is more to start
with: feather-light touching with a well-lubricated
finger, tracing your fingertips gently along her vaginal
lips in between. This gets it truly ready for orgasm.
Then gradually build up the pressure, but watch how
she responds to make sure you don’t apply too much
pressure. If you’re being too tender, she’ll push
160 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
against you or use her own hand over yours to show
you how much pressure she needs. But it’s always best
to err on the side of too gentle because too forceful
could result in no orgasm at all. Once the clitoris is
desensitized, it’ll take moving off completely before it
is ready to become sensitive again, so focus on something
else like playing with her breasts or nipples, or
kissing, and then move back to stimulating it.
Finding the right rhythm
She knows you’re a “handy man” to have around
the house, but sometimes it’s best to let her do the
moving. In fact, if you’re not sure how to bring your
woman off, this is a great way to understand what kind
of rhythm she likes and what pressure. Simply position
your hand and fingers in such a way that your
palm is touching her vaginal lips and your fingers are
on her clitoris (you’ll have to be lying in between her
legs or low down on one side for this). Leave your
hand there; don’t move it around or push. If she really
wants an orgasm, she’ll push against your hand in the
way that turns her on—just make sure you keep your
hand in the same position. Let her do the moving,
and keep your hand fixed in place. Her orgasm may
not be entirely in your hands, but it will certainly be
on your hand.
Using your hands on her body C 161
Don’t stop using your hands
In the warm-up to penetrative sex and even the first
few moments of it, you’re very hands on, massaging
breasts, squeezing her behind, and so on, but as soon
as a you get close to climax, your hands turn to stone.
The trouble is, she’s probably getting close to orgasm
at this point and needs the extra stimulation of your
hands on her breasts, her hips, or her behind. Maintain
your touching of her body throughout sex. It lets
her know you’re still finding her body a turn-on,
but more importantly, it’s what will help her reach
orgasm herself.
Fingering the “other” hole
Gentle stimulation of her anal opening, or her
“chocolate starfish” as friends of mine like to call
it, can feel amazing. Some women will feel uncomfortable
with this, whether it’s for hygiene reasons—
that is, they don’t feel clean there or don’t think it’s
hygienic for you to touch down there—or they just
don’t think it’s “right” to mess with an anus. There
are, however, good scientific reasons as to why it’ll
give her immense pleasure. The anus is packed with
nerve endings (partly why going to the bathroom can
give you a sensation of pleasure!), and if it’s stimulated
in the right way, can really add to her orgasm.
162 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
But, as we’ve said, it’s really not for everyone and
you can’t make someone like it. Test the waters by
first allowing your fingers to caress the area near her
anus—not on or in it—and see how her body responds.
Usually, if it’s turning her on, she’ll keep moving,
maybe even thrust harder and push her behind toward
your hand. If it’s not doing anything for her, she’s
more likely to be startled, squeeze her butt cheeks
together, or move your hand. Either way, leave your
explorations at that for this session.
If that first foray went well, try putting your fingertip
at the top of her anus so you’re not quite touching
it but you’re close. But maybe save that move for the
next sex session; it’s important not to push on too
quickly—that way she and you can get comfortable
with what you’re doing, learn to trust each other,
and understand what works and what doesn’t. Slow
and steady is far more likely to give you both ultimate
pleasure.
Next sex session, it’s time to place your fingertip gently
right on top of (but not inside) her anus. Massage
it with your fingertip—this is sometimes all a woman
needs to send her over the orgasmic edge. Having all
these nerve endings stimulated along with her clitoris
will give her an earth-shattering experience.
Using your hands on her body C 163
Going all the way in
If you want to put your finger inside, do it very carefully
and with a well-lubricated finger. The tissue
around the anus is very sensitive and tears easily, so
fingernails should be neatly trimmed and filed (and
use a pumice stone to get rid of those hard bits of
skin at the corners of your nails, too). Start with just
your fingertip inside, then, as she relaxes and enjoys
it, put it in a little further. She has to be your guide
in this, the slower you take it the more chance she has
to respond and enjoy the sensation. Move too fast and
you risk hurting her, her anal muscles clenching up
and any sexy feelings totally lost. And always wash your
hands before moving from her anus to her vagina, she
can get a nasty infection otherwise—and scrub under
your fingernails, too, as this is where most germs lurk.
If that all sounds too much, use plastic wrap over the
end of your finger. Keeping a wrap on things will help
you both feel more comfortable.
Her Touch
How she touches you is important for your enjoyment
of sex and that means it also affects how much she
enjoys sex, so that’s why I’ve included this section.
164 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
When she grabs you too hard
A lot of men go at it like a hammer trying to get a nail
into wood when they’re thrusting to climax during
sex—she equates that to what she’s doing and tries to
match that same speed and pressure when she handles
your penis. What she may not realize is that her
vaginal canal isn’t anywhere near as tight as a clenched
fist on your manhood and you’re the one who suffers
because of it.
The other problem is that women are often told that
they’re too gentle (see below) and so they overcompensate
to make sure that they’re giving you maximum
stimulation. There is an overwhelming school of
thought that says, “Men need lots of fast and powerful
pressure; women need a gentle, slow and soft touch.”
The fact is, there are women who need powerful pressure
at high speed to orgasm and men who need slow,
gentle thrusting to climax.
You’ve got to help her out here. First, hand her a big
tube of lubricating jelly or oil. It’s far more difficult
to be rough or hurt someone when your hand is
gliding smoothly over skin. Now place your hand over
hers, slipping your fingers in between hers so you can
ease her off your shaft, and show her how you like
it. Keep your hand with hers the entire time to show
Using your hands on her body C 165
her what pressure works, how fast you like it, and how
fantastic it feels when you finally do climax.
When she’s too gentle
We’ve read about “broken penises” in women’s
magazines, heard about women who were too firm
with their hands, or worse, their teeth—and this is
what makes her so namby-pamby in her touch. If
she hasn’t spent a lot of time playing, massaging,
touching and fondling penises, she won’t have been
able to explore how soft, how hard, or what hurts
and what doesn’t. Again, it’s up to you to show her.
Place your hand over hers and apply as much pressure
as you need.
Frenulum fear
Your frenulum—the piece of skin that attaches your
foreskin to your penis—is terrifying to a woman. It
looks like it’d snap under the slightest bit of pressure,
and until a woman sees you masturbate and how frantically
you probably move it back and forth, she won’t
really believe that it’s as robust as it is.
Again, it’s up to you to show her the way. Place your
hand over hers and push down so that she understands
that she can really move it quite a way down.
166 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Hands-Solo Style
Masturbation is the Oh-ly Grail of great sex. It can
solve so many problems, make things so much better,
and even change your life—but it’s an aspect of sex that
we’re just not taught about—not at school nor by our
parents. This lack of education stems partly from the
assumption that people know how to give themselves
pleasure or because it’s a sexual activity that most people
don’t boast about, so why try to improve on it?
I’ll tell you why: you can have more control of your
orgasms, even have bigger and better ones, and if you
can discover how she masturbates, you can be a master
of bringing her to orgasm, too.
What you can learn from her
Women can bring themselves to orgasm in a fraction of
the time it takes to reach that same high during sex: on
her own, knowing exactly what she wants and how to do
it, it takes an average of three minutes; with you, it takes
an average of 20 minutes. Wouldn’t it be great if you
could help her get to that oh-so-great place as quickly?
Finding out how she does it
Don’t be surprised if she’s reluctant to tell you how
she masturbates—chances are, she thinks it’s weird or
Using your hands on her body C 167
abnormal. And that’s because there isn’t really a norm
for her to follow. When a boy can first stand, he gets
taught to hold his penis in his hand—so that he can
pee standing up. Young girls, however, are taught to
touch their vulvas only with tissue paper, when wiping
after having been to the bathroom, and then to wash
their hands immediately afterwards because they
might be “dirty.” Is it any wonder that most women
don’t come to masturbation easily and readily?
Assure her that you’re open to whatever way she does
it, but that you’d like to learn from watching and that
it would turn you on to see her orgasm that way. If
you mention that you know women do it in many
different ways, she may well relax about telling you
her method.
Watching her masturbate
This can be hugely educational and dramatically
improve your sexual experience as a couple, but
it can also be frustrating for you because it’s
sometimes difficult to see exactly what she’s doing.
Women’s erogenous zones aren’t as clear-cut as a
chessboard—the clitoris varies from woman to
woman, and the lips can be big, small, and different
colors—in fact, all credit to men who find it with
168 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
each new woman! Take an illustration of a woman’s
vulva and it looks fairly simple, but in reality, when
everything’s engorged with blood and changing color,
and fingers are darting all over the place, well, it can
be difficult to work out exactly what’s going on.
So rather than make her feel totally self-conscious by
pressing your nose right up against her thigh to get a
good view, use your hands instead. Place your fingers
gently on top of hers and feel what she’s doing—getting
the pressure and rhythm right will get you 99 percent
of the way to bringing her off. You can then, perhaps,
take over. Once you’ve got the right stroke rate, she
can easily shift your hand or fingers up, down, left or
right a bit to make sure you’re in the right place and
then leave you to it, if she wants to.
Simulating her masturbation technique
If she uses her fingers to masturbate, it’s fairly
straightforward to copy, but what if she uses something
else—a pillow, for example? This is her way of stimulating
the entire genital area, not just her clitoris, and
if this is how she gets off, it’s a good idea to try to
stimulate her entire vulva when trying to get her off
yourself. Use the palm of your hand to rub against
her clitoris and the top of her vaginal lips, with your
fingers playing on the lower part of her lips. Slide
Using your hands on her body C 169
your fingers up and down her vaginal lips, with her
lips slipped between your fingers—this is a fantastic
way to stimulate all of her clitoris.
Improving your masturbation technique
Think you can’t improve your self-love? Think again.
Showing her how you do it
You’ll read advice about how watching a woman
masturbate is a great way to understand how to bring
her to orgasm—so why not place the same emphasis on
watching a man give himself pleasure? Male masturbation
in films or in writing is often depicted as a frantic
under-the-sheets affair, whereas seeing a woman do
the same thing is usually sensuously illustrated, lovingly
lit and photographed. And yet, watching how a man
brings himself to orgasm can be a huge turn-on and
also very informative—if you’re both willing to give it a
go. Often couples will discover that their partner uses
different techniques to reach orgasm than those they
use during sex, and you can both use that new knowledge
to your advantage in the bedroom.
If watching each other is too full-on, and too intimate
an experience, do it by touch instead. Blindfold yourselves
and then masturbate, feeling the other person’s
hands to understand the rhythm, the intensity, and
170 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
the strength of their touch. Often, when mutually
masturbating, you’ll end up having sex anyway. But
who’s complaining?
Changing your solo style
If hard and fast is what gets you to orgasm quickest, try
changing your technique. It will help make sex more
pleasurable for her—as she’ll enjoy firm, constant
pressure. And taking your time—holding back, then
letting go, then holding back again—can teach you to
separate ejaculation from orgasm, potentially leading
to multiple orgasms for you, without losing your
erection. Try this method:
1. Week one. Time yourself to discover how long
you take to reach a climax, on average. Let’s say
it’s four minutes. For the first week, masturbate
with a dry hand, holding off from ejaculation
until you can go for 15 minutes before shooting
your load.
2. Week two. Add a lubricant and build up to 15
minutes again.
3. Week three. Keep practicing with the lubricant—
go back to doing it dry if you find you can’t.
Build up to 20 minutes.
Using your hands on her body C 171
4. Week four. Add some kind of visual stimulus to
the mix: use your imagination or look at your
favorite porn magazine or film. Keep practicing
until you can do 20 minutes with all stimuli.
5. Week five. Now focus on your breathing. As you
get closer to climax, slow your breathing down
and make it much deeper. Focus on the sensation
in your penis, and when you feel you’re about
to blow, stop and breathe. This is one way you
can learn to differentiate between the feeling of
orgasm and ejaculation itself. And if you don’t
get to be a multiorgasmic guy, you’ve had a lot of
fun trying!
Real Girls Tell All
SHARON tells how she likes to be handled:
“I love to have my breasts massaged. I think I
could probably orgasm from that feeling alone
if it went on long enough. My fella puts loads
of cocoa butter lotion in his hands and says he’s
172 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
going to moisturize me. He’ll start at my feet, work
his way up my legs to my stomach, then along my
arms—he’ll touch everywhere except my breasts,
then finally he’ll use his palms just to touch my
nipples, which are erect by now. He moves over
them making circles, then pushes down harder
and moves in circles all around them. It feels
absolutely amazing.”
HANNAH on how she likes to be fingered:
“The boyfriend I’m with now is amazing with his
fingers. He’s a guitar player, not sure if that’s got
anything to do with it, but he manages to keep
the pressure up for ages and that’s what I need.
He uses his first two fingers and keeps them close
together and then rubs the tips of them over and
over my clitoris, again and again until I come.”
Using your hands on her body C 173
STELLA on how she likes to be touched:
“The softest, lightest touch turns me on more
than any other way of touching. If I’ve had a
shower and I’ve dusted myself with talc it feels
the most amazing because my husband’s fingers
move over my body so smoothly, gliding over my
dry skin. He makes patterns on my body, circles
on my breasts, strokes on my inner thighs, zigzags
over my belly. It feels lovely because he’s loving
every part of me, exploring my skin as though he’s
not seen it before. He knows how much I love it,
that’s why he does it, but I’m sure he gets a kick
out of it, too, because he always has a wonderful
big erection, which we put to good use!”
f8
Sex toys
Sex toys have really come out of the closet in the last
ten years—thousands of vibrators are sold every day
online, but it’s not just there: “high-street” stores
now also sell small vibrators, ribbed condoms, and
lubricants. And hooray for that, because in the right
hands, a vibrator, a dildo, or a spot of lube can do
amazing things for both women and men.
Introducing Toys
Just as most men would run a mile if they were led into
a woman’s bedroom that featured a display of stuffed
animals, most women will get spooked if you show
them any type of sex toy—including lubrication—on
the first night. Learn about sex toy etiquette before
you show and tell.
176 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
Showing her what’s in your bedside drawers
If you’re entangled in each other’s naked bodies, and
you reach over to grab your conveniently placed baby
oil/flavored lube/fluffy handcuffs, be prepared for
some screaming. Not ecstatic orgasmic screaming,
mind, but mad, angry-woman screaming. Why?
Because it looks as though (a) you’ve done this with
one or more women before; and (b) you knew she
would sleep with you tonight so you were prepared.
While she no doubt knows you’ve had sex with other
people before, she doesn’t want to have her face
rubbed in the knowledge just as she’s warming up for
sex. She’s also likely to be less than delighted that her
jumping into bed with you was predictable.
As a general rule, avoid using sex toys or aids on a
first night. Of course, if you’re with a wild sex kitten
or you’ve been with this woman for a while, feel free
to keep a sack-load of sex toys and lubes next to your
bed—but never, ever give the impression that they may
have been used with someone else.
Toys, especially cheaply made ones with ridges that
catch juices, hair, and skin, can harbor all kinds of
bacteria. Always follow the instructions on the sex toy
when cleaning it. And forget what your parents told
you—it’s never nice to share your toys.
Sex toys C 177
Your love of butt play
Butt plugs sell in huge quantities on sex toys’ websites
and shops, and yet 95 percent of men would rather
die than admit they enjoy a bit of anal play. For this
reason, most women aren’t aware of the extreme
pleasure they can give a man with some anal stimulation.
If you’ve invested in a butt plug, and you whip
it out during sex, she’s quite likely to think you plan
to use it on her. The notion of a man already being
aware of the pleasure zone a couple of inches inside
his anus—the prostate—is in itself a little startling
to most women. So the introduction of a butt plug
or even anal stimulation may have your good lady
running scared.
Women are often wary of putting their finger, or
anything else, near your anus because of hygiene
issues. Men also tend to have more hair in their
cracks, and that makes it even less appealing (dangleberries,
anyone?). So apart from washing well and
possibly even going for a crack-wax (or use depilatory
cream if that’s too much to bear), suggest she use a bit
of clear plastic wrap over her finger—or she can even
wear a rubber glove. It’ll give her more confidence
while stimulating you, and, with a bit of lube, should
make the experience more sensuous for you.
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Fear of big vibrators
Don’t be scared of her vibe, even if it is 10in long,
bright pink and spinning around faster than a disco
ball. Vibes tend to be shaped like penises and yet most
women will use a vibrator not to penetrate but to
stimulate the clitoris directly—they could be shaped
like a cup or a football and still do a similar job.
What’s more, her vibrator is your best friend in the
bedroom. Not only will it bring her to orgasm faster
because of its intense pulsating, which stimulates her
nerve endings more efficiently, but it will also heighten
your pleasure because it allows you to have sex in positions
that don’t usually bring a woman to orgasm. For
example, if you’re doing it on all fours, a vibrator held
against her clitoris means you can both enjoy the position;
otherwise her clitoris gets no stimulation whatsoever.
For spooning, the vibe can be slipped between
her legs, stimulating her clitoris and lips as well as
your penis and testicles. And in missionary, she can
place the vibrator underneath your penis, giving you
an intense buzz while transforming your manhood
into a vibrating rocket. Far out.
Choosing a vibrator
The thing that often puts men off vibrators is their
obvious phallic shape—why would a man want to give
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his girlfriend another longer, harder penis to use?
So go for a different shape—get yourselves a fingertip
vibrator or one that’s pebble-shaped. Then it’s even
easier to use it everywhere—on your nipples or hers,
at the top of your buttocks (a very sensitive area), on
your perineum (the area between your anus and testicles),
and up and down your shaft. Use lubrication
and the experience is guaranteed to be sensational.
Dildos can also be useful
Phallic-shaped toys that don’t necessarily vibrate are
called dildos and are for penetration—if the dildo’s
inside her vagina, you won’t be. So it’s understandable
that you might feel a bit put out if she pulls one out
(especially if it’s on the larger side). But, like vibrators,
dildos can also be used in a couple situation:
they can be used to stimulate her to orgasm before
you have sex together—some women enjoy the feeling
of having something inside them while their clitoris is
licked or played with, using a dildo allows her to enjoy
both. Visually, it can be a fantastic turn-on for you,
too, so don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
The dildo-wielding woman in your bed may also
enjoy being penetrated simultaneously in her anus
and vagina. But whatever it is she wants you to do
with her dildo, you need guidance—don’t assume you
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know what she wants. Let her tell you or show you how
she likes it to be used, otherwise you may well end
up barking up the wrong tree, or heading down the
wrong rabbit hole.
Using Toys
Just like penises and vaginas, vibrators and cock rings,
and so on, can be successfully used or abused—make
sure you’re using yours to the best of your ability.
Vibrating penis ring: the best sex toy there is
The vibrating cock ring has revolutionized both
on-all-fours sex and missionary sex. It’s a simple
elasticized ring, with a tiny vibe on one side designed
to stimulate the clitoris. With the vibe positioned
either on the underside of the penis for doggy-style
or on top for missionary, it’s one of the few vibrators
that’s easy to use during penetrative sex. It’s nonthreatening
because it’s not phallic. There’s no need
to hold it in place and it allows for complete penis
penetration, unlike other non-phallic vibrators,
which are too big or awkwardly shaped to allow for
body-on-body sex.
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But not so great if she’s sensitive
The trouble with the fantastic penis ring is that not all
women can handle the intensity of such direct stimulation.
Particularly if you’re using the penis ring in
missionary, where all your weight is going into the
thrusting and each time that powerful little vibe is
knocking right on her clitoral door. For doggy-style,
however, it should be perfect, as it doesn’t push so
forcefully on her sensitive clitoris. Experiment with
different positions until you get it right.
You in handcuffs
If your girlfriend rarely orgasms, but she masturbates
regularly and successfully, this can be a great opportunity
for her to find ways to get herself to climax
while having sex with you. Often a woman is so intent
on her partner’s pleasure that she neglects her own:
being in full control might encourage her to think
more selfishly. It’s also a great way to discover the kind
of rhythm, pressure, and technique that she enjoys.
For those women who are overly focused on their partner’s
pleasure, however, handcuffing you can put even
greater pressure on her to perform—to bring you to
orgasm. After all, your hands are tied, so everything—
from technique to rhythm to how often touch or speed is
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varied—is down to her. It’s like being put in the driver’s
seat and being told to find your way to Climax House—
what if she gets lost on the way? To avoid this kind of
performance anxiety, make it clear that you don’t want
to reach climax while you’re tied up. That way, she’ll
feel relaxed about doing what she feels comfortable
doing, safe in the knowledge that she’s not expected to
“finish the job.” If she happens to bring you to climax
while you’re cuffed, all the better.
Her in handcuffs
Again, because many women are intent on their partner’s
pleasure, giving up control like this can also
help. But it must be something she wants to try. Many
women gain pleasure by being dominated by a man, to
feel small and less powerful, but it’s not for everyone.
If you’re introducing the idea to her, start with
innocent-looking handcuffs—pink, fluffy ones, or
Velcro ones that can be undone easily. This is preferable
to using a silk scarf or a pair of her tights, as
often recommended—a tight knot in a pair of nylons
is near impossible to free yourself from and you want
her to feel lightly restrained, not totally immobilized.
Trust is an obvious element of this sex “game,” so be
careful—if she shows any sign of discomfort with being
tied up or whatever you’re doing, stop immediately.
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You may have different ideas from her about what’s
OK in this “sex play” and be unaware that you’re
taking things too far. That’s why it is absolutely essential
to use a code word such as “Coventry” or something
equally non sexual whenever indulging in sex
that involves restraints or pain—pleasure techniques
such as spanking, for example. Saying, “Ow” could be
taken as a good “Ow” or a bad “Ow”—how are you to
know which it is? Similarly with restraints, it’s important
you have a code for when you or she really wants
the restraints to be removed.
Finally, I know it sounds obvious, but never, ever
leave a partner restrained in a room, even if you’re
just heading to the toilet. I’ve been told several stories
about this kind of thing going horribly wrong, and let
me tell you, it’s enough to put you off for life.
Lubricator: the essential sex toy
Once seen as something older women or gay men
needed, lubrication is now, thankfully, easily available,
and all kinds of lubes are now sold, in different
flavors, textures and chemical make-up. Don’t focus
on lubrication as being something to fix a problem
(that is, her dryness); see it as oil for her engine: it
simply makes her parts, and yours, run more smoothly.
Adding a squirt of lubrication to proceedings speeds
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up the arousal process—partly because the sensation of
something wet between her legs feels damned sexy but
also, I believe, because it cons the body into feeling
like it’s already ready for sex.
For a woman, there are few things less sexy than
having a man put his hands or penis between your
legs only for it to chafe or rub hard because you’re
dry down below. All the more disappointing if you
feel really horny, but for some reason you’re just not
moist—something that’s happened to many, if not
all, women at some stage or another. She may feel
utterly horny but still the juices just won’t flow. It
could be that she’s stressed and not relaxed enough,
that she hasn’t drunk enough water that day, or
simply that she’s drunk too much alcohol, which has
dehydrated her body. Whatever the reason, if she
feels turned on and wants to continue, lubrication
is the answer.
Note: Be aware that some lubes may not be safe to use
with condoms. Always check the label.
Using a vibrator: on her
Try not to dive straight in, homing in on her clitoris
straight away. Tease her a little, move it over her belly,
her inner thighs, her breasts, her nipples (using
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lube makes it even sexier), and so on, before getting
fixated on her vulva. Once you’re in between her legs,
move the vibe up and down her lips to get her clitoris
(which, remember, has “arms” that extend into her
body) really excited. Then, if she can handle it, focus
on the clitoris.
As with your tongue or finger, holding a vibrator in
place is often the best way to get her to orgasm. Rather
than trying to move the stimulator—be it finger,
tongue, or vibe—as you guess she might like it, she
gets to control the move. Hold it steady and in one
place and watch as her hips rotate to grind against
it. You can learn far more by watching how she does
it than you will by trying to show her how you think
it’ll work best for her—after all, she’s probably been
practicing on herself for as many years as you’ve been
playing with yourself. Freeze your position and the
experience may well be a lot hotter for her.
Using a vibrator: on you
Vibrators are not just for her, they’re equally amazing
for you; it all depends on how you use them. For
example, if she holds it against your testicles and the
underside of your penis during missionary, you’ll
get a wonderful buzzing sensation as you thrust in
and out. If she twirls a vibe-tip over your lubricated
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nipples when she’s grinding away on top of you, you’ll
get huge nerve stimulation. Best of all, if she places
the pulsating vibrator on the side of her cheek as she
goes down you, you’ll get a vibrating blow job. What
the vibrations do is tickle and stimulate more nerve
endings than through touch alone—it wobbles and
vibrates the entire skin area as well as underneath the
skin, so you’re triggering more sensation and therefore
more arousal. Lucky you.
Household Objects
Some of the best things to play with in bed don’t have
to be bought from a sex shop. Here are some everyday
objects you can use to make your sex life better.
Ripe peaches and nectarines
Most women love to play with fruit and food in bed.
It’s messy, but it’s very, very sensual. Bringing the
sense of taste into the bedroom adds to the experience
and I think, in part, using fruit or food to lick each
other makes women feel more comfortable about oral
sex—whether it’s giving or receiving it.
Peaches make great fellatio fruits: simply core as you
would an apple, then slide over the penis. Massage the
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peach as she sucks and licks on your penis. Eventually
the peach will disintegrate but now your penis tastes
just peachy so she can get really busy eating you.
Ice cream
Get her one from the ice cream truck, but while you’re
there, get an extra cone as well as another ice cream
and then put it to good use in the bedroom. Bite off
the end of the cone, slide it over your penis and then
plop the ice cream on top—then tell her you’ve got an
ice cream for her, only she has to eat it off you. This
is really good fun, again very messy, but a great way to
enjoy ice cream on a hot day.
Can of beer
Beer is sexy after all! On a hot day, take any cold can
from the fridge and roll it up and down the back of
her bare legs. Then turn her over and roll it gently
over her nipples, move down to her stomach and give
her inner thighs a cold tingle, too. A wonderfully
refreshing way to get sexually hot on a summer’s day.
The car
Fumbling teenage experiences don’t count—doing it
properly in a car is incredibly sexy and erotic, maybe
in part because of teenage experiences. But don’t try
doing it in the front where the gearshift, steering
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wheel, and dashboard get in the way terribly; instead,
head to the back seat, open one car door, and have
her leave her legs hanging there. You should be able
to get reasonably comfortable on top. It’s hot, it’s
heavy, and it’s a lot of good fun.
Another position to try, if you’re somewhere no one
can see you, is the window seat. She rests her behind
on the wound-down side-window of the car (feet on
the floor), as you stand by the car and penetrate her
from there. It’s outside sex but without the ants in
your pants or the effort of supporting her weight.
A blanket or pillow
When it comes to her orgasm, it’s all about the angle,
and in the missionary position her clitoris sometimes
doesn’t quite get enough stimulation. But
there’s a solution to that little problem—a solution
that comes in all shapes and sizes. A cushion, a pillow,
or a rolled-up blanket will do the trick—simply put it
under her bottom. What this does is raise her pelvis
toward yours, so that each time you thrust there’s
more contact with her clitoris and also her vaginal
lips. Whatever method you use to raise your game,
not only will she enjoy the discovery process as she
gets closer to orgasm but she’ll also appreciate your
new found interest in upholstery.
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Books
Women spend a lot of their time imagining and talking
about scenarios, what-ifs, and maybes. That means
she probably has ideas about sex that you don’t even
know about. And a great way to explore her mind—or
indeed fill it—is to read with her. There are hundreds
of authors who spend their time creating sexy, erotic
stories for women (and for men) and whereas not all
will be to her taste, there’s bound to be one that gets
her excited. But it’s not just about the style, it’s about
how the information is relayed: by reading an erotic
story she can imagine the woman and the man (if she
wants, it can be you and her), but whoever the characters
are, she chooses how they look, which makes it
more personal than a porn film. Some books also have
fantastic storylines, which encourage overall enjoyment
of reading, with hot sex scenes woven expertly
in. This is such a good way to open up her mind to
new ideas and also to discover things she may enjoy
that you don’t yet know about.
Stairs
The most under-used sex toy in the house must be
the stairs. You can stand at the bottom as she sits a
few steps up, giving you exactly the vantage point you
need. She can kneel on the stairs as you take her from
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behind, standing up. You can sit on the stairs with
her sitting on you and facing away from you as she
thrusts up and down on to you, holding on to the
banisters for support.
Real Girls Tell All
RACHEL explains her love for her vibrator:
“I didn’t know whether I’d even had an orgasm
when my friend bought me my first vibe. It was a
silly-looking “real life” penis. I took it home and
chucked it into a side drawer and forgot about
it, but then months later when I was looking
for something else, I found it. I must have been
feeling horny because I decided to see what it felt
like. My God, I wish someone had held me down
and made me use it years before! It felt so, so
good immediately. I’d tried to masturbate with
my fingers before but I got tired too fast; with the
vibrator I could just let it do all the work.”
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GABY describes her ultimate sex-toy experience:
“Food, food, food. I had the best sex I’ve ever
had with my boyfriend one day when we were
making blueberry and raspberry tarts—they had
a pastry base, with a custard filling and the fruit
on top. We were in the kitchen and were getting
the dough ready for the pastry when he flicked a
bit of flour on my face. I flicked back and soon
it was an all-out flour fight. I added water, which
would have been a mistake, but he found it funny
and we both looked such a mess. Then he started
wiping the custard on my face, I did the same
and got him on the neck. Then we started on the
fruit. We laughed so hard, then we started kissing
and even with all the floury bits it tasted good. We
ended up licking custard off each other on the
kitchen floor. It was a wild, wild time.”
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DIANNE describes what she does to her boyfriend
with her sex toy:
“First I rub massage oil all over his body so the
vibrator runs smoothly. I use a vibrating massager
so it covers quite a large area. I start on his feet,
which tickles him a bit, then I work up his lower
legs, concentrating on his calf muscles. I move it
over his upper legs and his abs and his arms. He
loves it on his nipples, so I leave that ’til last—it
makes him moan when I get there. Then while
I’m doing that, I start massaging his balls in my
hands; then I use the vibe down there—that sends
him insane. I keep it there while I go down on
him. He comes really quickly when I do the whole
process like that. I think it’s because it heats him
up for the action!”
f9
Sex fantasies
Thinking about sex certainly makes you want it more.
It’s partly why the first few months of sex with a new
partner are so amazing—you spend most of your time
when you are apart thinking about what you’ll do to
each other when you see them. And that’s why fantasies
and sexual daydreams are great. It’s whether or
how we put them to use that can cause problems.
When most people hear the term “sexual fantasies”
they think of unusual or clichéd sex fantasies—orgies,
doctors and nurses, or whip-wielding dominatrixes.
But according to a survey of more than 6,000 people
by Men’s Health magazine, the most common sexual
daydream for both genders is far more mundane—it’s
simply good sex with their partner. Don’t rest on your
sexual laurels just yet, though—you’re both fantasizing
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about good sex, but you might not be getting what you
want in bed. And that’s where fantasies can help, if
you share them.
Her Fantasies
The devil’s in the detail, and never more so than when it
comes to women’s sexual fantasies. Elaborate storylines,
perfectly imagined looks and an exact touch-by-touch
process is what gets a lot of women to orgasm.
The “clean-living, filthy-thinking woman”
The notion of the uptight and prim woman who goes
wild behind closed doors is your fantasy. Yes, some
women may well have repressed sexual feelings that
explode once you get them into bed, but it’s certainly
no guarantee. Repressing your sexual feelings isn’t
healthy, and I’d hope that most women these days
realize that enjoying sex is a good thing, not something
to be ashamed of.
The other common misconception is that you can turn
your “good girl bad.” It’s an idea based on the notion
that experimenting, loving and wanting sex is “bad.”
And while being “bad” is something some women may
aspire to, it supports the idea that women are naturally
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less inclined to want sex and that that’s how they’re
meant to behave. Please! Time to drop this notion
once and for all—women love sex, want sex, and enjoy
sex just like you do; it’s just that we’ve had years of
social conditioning telling us it’s “bad.” Stop!
Her secret fantasies
You’ll be surprised at what goes on in 49 percent
of women’s minds. According to a Cosmopolitan poll,
that’s the percentage of women who dream about sex
with their partner. Sweet. But before you settle into
feeling smug, consider this: most of those women
tend to fantasize about situations or sex acts they don’t
usually enjoy with their partners. If only you could
find out what her fantasies were…
Talking about her fantasies
You can’t read her mind and you’d be a fool to try
to guess: the best method to get her to open up is
to show and tell yourself. Tell her about a “dream”
you’ve had, detailing sex with her; if she’s got any
fantasies she’d like to share, this gives her a perfect
opportunity to reveal all.
If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to try playing a
game—telling her your fantasies in exchange for hers.
But rather than jump in there with, “You, dressed
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as a nurse and I’m your sick patient”—she probably
already knows how much you love to be nursed—play a
game that allows you both to explore different possible
fantasies. Each write down a list of ten fantasies,
not your fantasies, just sex acts or scenes that could
happen. Make at least five of them acts that you’re not
interested in, and the other five ones that you are.
Then go through each of them, talking about whether
you would want to try any of them. By including
fantasies you’re not really interested in, it takes the
pressure off, as it allows either party to expose their
secret fantasies without being laughed at and without
shocking their partner.
Her favorite fantasy: the fireman
According to the aforementioned poll, women’s
number-one situational fantasy is that she’s trapped
in a building and you’re a fireman who rescues her.
Uniforms, phallic water-hoses and hard helmets
aside, what’s the attraction? This is an extra-safe form
of a domination fantasy. When the woman is rescued
by the fireman, he has total control of the situation
and she is vulnerable. She experiences fear, which
heightens her senses, but her fear is of the fire, not of
him. Then he saves her—and now she feels indebted
to him, too, setting a perfect scenario for a steamy
lovemaking session.
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So how can you make her fantasy come true without
the very real—and highly un-erotic—danger of a fire?
You can’t rescue her from something genuinely terrifying,
but you can rescue her from her day-to-day
life. Rescue her from the shopping, from her hard
day at work, or from her nightmare relative—take
control of a difficult situation and make it better. If
it doesn’t have the effect of making her tear off your
clothes and leap into bed, at least she’ll be grateful
for your help—and in the long run that will equate to
more loving for you.
Her most realistic fantasy: outdoor sex
Public sex is the experimental sex most women would
like to try, according to the same poll mentioned
earlier, with 74 percent saying they’d give it a go. But
forget the toilets, the local park, or bus shelter—it’s
far more likely she’s thinking about the beach, which
was the favorite fantasy location for women.
Sex on the beach has been made desirable in numerous
films, as well as a rather delicious cocktail, but in
reality it can be downright uncomfortable. Sand in
your sandwiches is one thing, but sand sandwiched in
your salami or her burger buns is an entirely different
thing! The key to making it romantic—and successful—
involves taking adequate protection. And I’m not
198 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
just talking condoms—it goes without saying that you
should use those. You need to take a waterproofbacked
blanket, because that’s the best way to ensure
sand doesn’t work its way through and it keeps you
both warm, too; you’ll also need a windbreak, not just
to protect you from the breeze but also from prying
eyes. Finally, don’t forget to put suntan lotion on your
sensitive parts—you don’t want to burn your behind.
Her secret fantasy: erotica
There’s a good chance that fantasizing about nudity is
a big part of her arousal when masturbating—and that
looking at erotica turns her on, much as it does for
many men. However, she may not even realize that
she’s aroused by looking at naked bodies. According to
one university study, even those women who claimed
they were not turned on by erotic films displayed signs
of arousal, such as engorged genitals and lubrication,
when shown such films. But don’t be surprised
if your personal DVD collection does nothing but
disgust her—pornography is usually designed along
very specific lines: lots of close-up shots of genitalia,
women who enjoy being penetrated from every
possible angle and from any man, however unattractive,
and virtually no story line. It rarely touches
on the many different factors that are involved in the
Sex fantasies C 199
sex we enjoy in a relationship—the build-up, tension,
different rhythms and speeds, varying techniques and
ways of touching, scenarios and situations, and, of
course, emotions. And before you scoff at emotions
being important to great sex, think about the best
orgasm you’ve ever had. Was it while watching porn?
Was it on a one-night stand? Most likely, it was with
someone you cared about. That’s emotions for you—so
powerful they give you better orgasms.
The kind of erotica she’s more likely to enjoy
As I’ve said, pornography is very much about
the sex act, rather than the lead-up or emotions
involved—and women can find this aspect of it offputting.
It also often presents an unrealistic picture
of sex: soft lighting, models’ buff bodies, and camera
angles make everyone look fantastic. And just as you
will probably compare the size of your penis to the
guy’s on the DVD, she’ll be comparing herself to the
women she sees—which can lead to insecurities.
For these reasons, it’s imperative that you allow her to
lead the way when viewing erotica. If she’s comfortable
with the idea, let her choose what to watch.
Women haven’t grown up with a culture of watching
erotica, unlike many men, so give her time to find
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her feet, discover what she likes and what she doesn’t.
And if she decides the magazine or DVD is not for
her, respect her decision.
If you’re not even sure whether she’d like any erotica,
start with a beautiful coffee-table photography book,
or watch a film with sensuous scenes in it—there are
plenty of both that are considered art rather than
pornography and it’s a good way to gauge her response
to the naked form.
Another of her favorite fantasies: girl on girl
Dipping a toe in the lesbian lake holds far less fear
for women than a homosexual experience does for
men—as many as 61 percent of women in a poll by
erotic magazine Scarlet said they’d like to give it a try.
Full steam ahead then? Not so fast, sailor. This isn’t a
fantasy about threesomes, it’s a fantasy about lesbian
sex—and that may well not include you.
If her lesbian fantasy doesn’t include you, do keep
in mind that it is a fantasy; just as you probably have
sexual daydreams that you don’t actually want to
follow through, so may she. If, however, your girlfriend
wants to make her lesbian daydreams a reality
but doesn’t want you to be part of them, then you
have to question her commitment to you. It doesn’t
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matter what gender the other person is—by having sex
with another person you are changing the status of
your relationship.
Her pain fantasy: a little bit of slap ’n’ tickle
She may fantasize about being lightly spanked, having
her hair tugged, or even being bitten. These acts all
have the effect of bringing blood to the surface, which
makes the area even more sensitive to touch (unless you
overdo it and the area becomes numb). Making this
fantasy a reality is relatively easy, but, as I’ve mentioned
previously, it’s essential you use a code word to say
“stop” to ensure you don’t cause her real pain.
Your Fantasies
OK, so enough about her, what about you? Your
fantasies aren’t all that different from hers, according
to surveys, but there are still things you’d like to have
a go at and she certainly has issues with some of your
sexual daydreams. Find out what they are here.
Telling her about your fantasies
So she’s asked you to tell her what you fantasize
about—be very careful! Women think they want to
know everything—I do—but in reality we really don’t
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want to hear that you fantasize about having sex with
anyone younger, prettier, or more exciting than us.
(Or anyone older, uglier, or more boring—that’s just
weird.) Test the waters by telling her you’ve had a
strange sexual dream—it’s the easiest and safest way to
gauge her response.
If you do talk about it and your fantasies are more
hardcore than she expected, she may question how
much satisfaction you get in bed with her—even though
you may not want to act out your fantasies with her
or anyone else. If, for example, you like to imagine
having sex like a Hell’s Angel on a Harley and you
usually do it in bed when she’s got her “good” white
nightie on, then she’ll feel stupid for thinking you
had a good sex life—she will think that you’ve been
wishing she’d get a tattoo, start drinking beer, and
swear profusely. So opt for telling her fantasies that
are more racy versions of what you do already, rather
than radically different new acts.
One of your favorite fantasies: threesomes
It’s not one of the most common fantasies for women,
but one in four say they’d like to try having a threesome,
according to one magazine poll. Before you
get too excited, though, be aware that the poll didn’t
specify whether women wanted a threesome with their
Sex fantasies C 203
partner and another female, or a partner and another
male. Don’t assume her threesome fantasy is the same
as yours!
Putting a fantasy like this into reality is risky: most
couples who try it find it affects their relationship in
a negative way, mainly because it introduces insecurities
and jealousies. Possibly one of her—and your—
fantasies that’s best left as that.
The fantasy you must never share: another woman
Whereas the majority of people in couples have loving
erotic daydreams about their partners, 15 percent of
men and 12 percent of women fantasize about random
strangers; 20 percent of men and 15 percent of women
think about a friend; and a further 15 percent of men
and 11 percent of women do the downright dirty and
fantasize about their ex. Is it a problem to think about
someone else while you’re sexually ruminating? No,
it’s really not. We dream about a lot of things we don’t
actually need or want in reality—and it’s the same for
our sexual dreams. When it does become a problem,
however, is if you are having to think of someone
you know in order to orgasm when you’re with your
partner or while masturbating. You are effectively
replacing your partner with that person, and that indicates
that you’re not really physically or emotionally
204 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
attracted to the person you’re with. But there’s no
doubt about whether or not you should let her in on
any of these “other women” fantasies: no, no, and
no. Some secrets should stay that way.
Your fun fantasy: costumes
Most women love to get dressed up, but that love may
not stretch to include a policewoman’s or a nurse’s
outfit. Unless you know for sure that she’s up for
acting out the part of Officer Pussy or Nurse Naughty,
the worst thing you can do is to go out and buy her an
outfit as a surprise. Instead, peruse an online sex-toy
shop together—most have a full range of products, from
condoms, lubes, vibrators and French maid outfits
to chastity belts, anal beads, and latex body suits. She
can pick something she’d like to wear, rather than you
surprising her with an outfit that’ll stay at the back of
her cupboard, never to see the light of day or night.
Want to live the dream?
If you do choose to act out any of her or your fantasies,
be aware that it’s highly likely to be a disappointment.
It’s not unusual for a favorite daydream to
come true, only for the dreamer to find it wasn’t quite
as wonderful as they expected: that job you’ve always
wanted turns out to be hell on earth; the woman you
Sex fantasies C 205
thought you loved turns out to be a raging maniac;
the tranquil beach holiday you booked features irritating
flies and tourists that weren’t in the brochure
description. And it’s exactly the same with sexual
fantasies—often, they’re best left just as they are: as
thoughts that inspire you or her.
If you do have an experience that doesn’t work out
as planned, assuage each other’s disappointments by
having good, loving sex… soon after. It’s a good way
to ensure the intimacy you feel during sex hasn’t been
lost or replaced by the other experience.
Real Girls Tell All
CHRISTINE describes her fantasy about being dominated:
“I find it really difficult to relax and enjoy sex. I just
can’t stop thinking about my husband’s pleasure
and whether he’s really enjoying it, and that stops
me from being able to focus on what makes me
come. I’ve never had an orgasm during penetrative
206 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
sex, although I’m sure I could if I could just relax.
That’s why when I masturbate I imagine that he
pins me down, won’t let me move my arms—he
holds them together above my head, and he uses
his other hand to hold my hips in place. Then he
grinds into me, pushing right on my clitoris and
I don’t have any choice but to come.”
DEBORAH describes her flower fantasy:
“I’ve always wanted to do it in a field of flowers,
but in my fantasy, we’re doing it, the man I’m with
has pulled my dress up and we’re hot and sweaty,
and then we hear the grass around us rustling,
like someone’s walking nearby. The man I’m with
stops, stays inside me, but stops. We both wait and
don’t hear anything and then the man I’m with
slowly starts thrusting again, but this time without
so much movement, just deeper inside me. We’re
still being really quiet. We hear more footsteps.
It carries on like that, stopping and starting, not
Sex fantasies C 207
knowing if those footsteps are going to get closer
and we’ll be found.”
WANDA describes her anal fantasy:
“My husband and I have great sex but for some
reason we’ve never explored anal stimulation
and it’s a bit of a disappointment to me. I feel
it’s a bit too late now to suggest it! So anyway, in
my fantasy, my husband and I are about to have
dinner in a restaurant. I’m wearing a long dress
that is very low-cut at the back. As we get to the
table, he pulls out my chair and inadvertently puts
his thumb down the back of my dress and touches
my bottom. It feels so good that I shudder and
he notices. All through dinner I’m excited and
as we leave to go to the car, he lets his hand slide
down to my bottom again. By now I’m very, very
wet and desperate to get home. But on the drive
home he doesn’t touch me. I’m squirming on the
seat with anticipation but wondering if he’ll know
what to do when we get in the door.
208 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
“He closes the door behind him, goes to take
my coat off so I turn my back to him. He lets
the coat fall and rubs his stubbly chin all the way
from the back of my neck down my back to my
bottom. There, he grinds his chin into the top
of my bottom, then kisses it, then licks it until
suddenly his tongue is inside my anus. I’m already
exploding when he moves the palm of his hand
under me and onto my clitoris and pushes on
it—as he does that, he pushes my bottom into his
tongue even further, it’s the most delicious thing
I’ve ever felt. Then I come. And wow, it’s the best
orgasm in the world.”
f References
If you require sources for any of the polls or studies
mentioned, or contact details of any experts I have
quoted, please contact me via my website www.siskigreen.
com and I will deal with requests as and when
I am able.
Books
Brief Encounters: the women’s guide to casual sex
Emily Dubberley, Fusion Press, London, 2005
How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: totally explicit techniques
every woman wants her man to know
Lou Paget, Piatkus, London, 2002
How to Have Great Sex for the Rest of Your Life
Val Sampson & Julia Cole, Piatkus, London, 2004
210 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do: sex advice from a woman
who knows
Candida Royalle, Piatkus, London, 2006
My Secret Garden: women’s sexual fantasies
Nancy Friday, Quartet Books, London, 2001
O: the intimate history of the orgasm
Jonathan Margolis, Century, London, 2004
Overcoming Sexual Problems
Vicki Ford, Constable and Robson, London, 2005
Scentsational Sex: the secret to using aroma for arousal
Alan R Hirsch, MD, Element, London, 2005
Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen
Em & Lo, Hodder and Stoughton, London, 2005
Sex for Dummies
Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer, Hungry Minds, New
Jersey, 2006
She Comes First: the thinking man’s guide to pleasuring a woman
Ian Kerner, PhD, Souvenir Press, London, 2005
Sinful Sex: the uninhibited guide to erotic pleasure
Dr. Pam Spurr, Robson Books, London, 2002
References C 211
Superdate: how to be one, how to get one
Tracey Cox, Dorling Kindersley, London, 2006
The Big O: how to have them, give them and keep them coming
Lou Paget, Piatkus, London, 2002
The Book of the Penis
Maggie Paley, Fusion Press, London, 1999
Tickle Your Fancy: a woman’s guide to sexual self-pleasure
Sadie Allison, Tickle Kitty Press, San Francisco,
2001
Websites
www.2magazine.ca
(online branch of 2 magazine,
Canadian magazine for couples)
www.bbc.co.uk/relationships
(BBC’s emotional issues online)
www.cosmopolitan.co.uk
(online branch of Cosmopolitan magazine UK)
www.cosmopolitan.com
(online branch of Cosmopolitan magazine US)
212 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
www.cosmopolitan.com.au
(online branch of Cosmopolitan magazine Australia)
www.ejhs.org
(electronic journal of human sexuality)
www.menshealth.co.uk
(online branch of Men’s Health magazine UK)
www.menshealth.com
(online branch of Men’s Health magazine US)
www.menshealth.com.au
(online branch of Men’s Health magazine Australia)
www.menshealthsa.co.za
(online branch of Men’s Health magazine South Africa)
www.newscientist.com
(online branch of New Scientist magazine)
www.ticklekitty.com
(sexpert Sadie Allison’s website)
www.wikipedia.org
(online encyclopedia)
References C 213
Universities and research centers
McGill University Health Centre in Montreal,
Canada
Psychology Department, University of Chicago
Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation,
Chicago
Psychology Department, University of California
Los Angeles
f Index
69 position, 115–116, 134
A
abs, 7
aftershave, 29. see also hygiene (yours)
aggression and loudness, 9
alcohol and your breath, 39–40. See also breath
anal sex
anus, 161
attitude to, 161
216 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
fingering, 161–163
(hers), 161–163
hygiene, 177
and toys, 177
(yours), 177
arguing, 31
asking her out, 20–22
attention-seeking, 12–13
attitude toward sex, 138
attraction, 5–6
B
babies and motherhood, 58–59
back and chest (yours), 4
baldness, 5
bathing, 124. See also hygiene (yours)
Index C 217
BBC study on facial expression, 2
beach, sex at, 197–198. See also locations
beer, as a sex toy, 187
biceps, 7
blinking, meaning of, 15
body language, 4–5
body odor (yours), 124
body parts (hers)
back, 147–148
behind, 147 (see also anal sex)
breasts (see breasts)
face, 146
hips, 147
lips, 146 (see also kissing)
neck, 146–147
books, for arousal, 189
218 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
bored of sex, 89–90
bra, 59, 61–62. See also clothing; underwear
balconette bra, 67
breasts
admiring, 48–50, 55
complimenting, 52
erotic stories of, 68–72
large, 51, 52
nipples, 50–51, 55, 58–59, 63, 65, 67
small, 51, 67
techniques for touching, 53, 63–67, 148
breath
and alcohol, 39–40
test, 39
when giving oral, 66
Index C 219
C
candles, 54
car, sex in, 187–188. See also locations
cashmere, 10. See also clothing
chair, sex on, 77. See also locations
cheekiness, 18–19
advantages of, 17
circumcision, 129–131
clitoral hood, 154
versus vaginal orgasm, 102
clitoris
desensitizing, 159–160
finding it, 99–101, 152–154
during sex, 80, 84–85
using your mouth (see cunnilingus)
220 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
clothing
bra, 59–60, 61–62
color of, 59
(hers), 48–49
shoes, 11–12
underwear, 48, 59–62
(yours), 10–11
code words, 66, 83, 201
Collins, Jackie, 128
compliments, 52
confidence, 4, 177
contraceptive pill, 13
conversation, 16, 22
cunnilingus
her odor, 97–99
neck ache, 113
Index C 221
orgasm during, 102, 109–110
positions for, 113–116
practice, 103–104
technique, 102–110
timing, 96–97
cushions, using during sex, 85, 188
cystitis, 150–151
D
dieting (her), 57
“doggy” style. See on all fours
dominating, 116, 182, 196
dopamine, 26, 27
E
ejaculate. See semen
222 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
endorphins, 26
energy for sex, 26
epinephrine, 26
eyes (hers), 14–15
F
facial expression, 2
fantasies
her favorite, 196–201
lesbianism, 200–201
most popular, 196–204
in reality, 197–198, 203
role play, 204
spanking, 201, 204–205
talking about, 195–196, 201–202
Index C 223
fellatio
failing to reach orgasm, 121–122
and foreskin, 129–131
positions for, 133–134
reluctance to try, 127, 131
technique, 132–135
timing, 125–126
fertility, 13
fingernails, 7, 150–151. See also hygiene (yours)
fingers
on her clitoris, 151–155, 156–160
between her legs, 37–38
using hers to increase friction, 81
using them on her, 151–163
first date, 19–22
flirting, 1–15
224 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
erotic stories of, 22–24
food, 34, 37, 64, 112, 140
for kissing, 34, 37
during sex, 186–187
frenulum, fear of damaging, 130, 165
frozen fruit, 64, 112, 140. See also food
G
gag reflex, 133. See also fellatio
genetic odor, study of, 8
G-spot, 114, 155
H
hair (yours), 4–5
hands. See also fingers; masturbation
on her breasts, 148
Index C 225
hers on you, 163–165
during oral, 104–106
using them on her, 38, 146–163
when on all fours, 84
handshake, 6–7
health, oral, 39. See also breath
height (yours), 88
her on top, 74–78. See also sex positions
hobbies, 19–20
hygiene (yours), 7
hypothalamus, 26
I
ice cream, as a sex toy, 187. See also food
intimacy, creating, 29, 205
226 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
K
Kegel exercises, 81–82
Kerner, Dr. Ian, 106
kissing
breasts (see breasts)
erotic stories of, 44–46
first time, 27, 32–33, 37
importance of, 29–31
movie-style, 42
problems with, 28
technique of, 32–35, 36–37
timing of, 40–43
why you must kiss, 26–31
L
lighting in the bedroom, 54
Index C 227
locations
for kissing, 41
for meeting women, 16–17
for sex, 187–188, 197–198
lubricants, 183–184
lying, 56
M
mango, 34, 37, 64. See also food
masturbation
(her), 166–169
(you), 169–171
masturbation workout, 170–171
mink, during sex, 66
mirror, using during sex, 84, 89
missionary position, 79–82
228 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
movie-style kissing, 42
music concerts, for meeting women, 16
N
nakedness, 198
neck ache, during cunnilingus, 113
nerve endings, 38, 53, 63, 79, 148, 161
nervousness, 4, 33
nipples, 50–51, 55, 58–59, 63, 67. See also breasts
noise, keeping it down, 91
non verbal signals
(hers), 1–2, 12–15
(yours), 2, 3–10
norepinephrine, 26, 27
Index C 229
O
on all fours, 82–85
oral sex
encouraging more, 136–142
erotic stories of, 116–119, 143–144
first times, 116–117
getting, 121–142
giving, 96–116
odor, 28–29
orgasm during, 102, 109–110
pain during, 128–129
positions for cunnilingus, 113–116
positions for fellatio, 133–134
orgasm
clitoral versus vaginal, 102
(hers) during cunnilingus, 102, 109–110
230 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
(yours) during fellatio, 121, 131, 135–136, 140
(yours) during sex, 150, 170–171, 199
P
pain, during fellatio, 128–129. See also teeth
passion, 35, 60, 90, 97, 129, 147
peaches, 34, 37. See also food
pelvic bone (yours), 80
pelvic floor muscle exercises, 81–82
penis
chimp, 3
circumcised, 129–130
foreskin, 129–131
girth, 83
gorilla, 3
human, 3
Index C 231
size, 3, 82–83
uncircumcised, 130–131
period (menstruation), 13, 58
phenyl ethylamine, 26
physiological response to arousal, 13–14
pick-up locations, 16–17
post-orgasm lethargy, 137
posture, 4
pregnancy, sex during, 86–87
premature ejaculation, prevention of, 109
pressure, of touch, 149–150
problems, keeping yours to yourself, 19
professional photography, 54
pubic hair, removal of, 98–99
pubic mons, 105
232 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
R
relationship, maintaining, 29
Road House, 107
routine, 89–90
rowing, 31
rude behavior, 18–19
S
saliva
during cunnilingus, 108
during kissing, 40
Salsa class, for meeting women, 17. See also locations
semen, taste of, 124–125
sex positions
on all fours, 82–85, 178, 180, 181
for cunnilingus, 113–116
Index C 233
erotic stories of, 92–94
for fellatio, 133–134
her on top, 74–78
for penetrative sex, 74–91
side-by-side, 85–88
standing, 88–91
you on top (see missionary)
sex toys
beer, 187
butt plugs, 177
dildos, 111, 179–180
erotic stories of, 190–192
food, 186–187
lubricants, 183–184
penis rings, 78, 180–181
pillows, 188
234 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
restraints, 181–183
vibrators, 111, 178–179, 185–186
sexual attraction in different cultures, 5–6
shaved head, 5
shoes, 11–12. See also clothing
shops, for meeting women, 16. See also locations
shyness or reluctance in bed (hers), 53
side-by-side sex, 85–88
sink, using for sex, 89
skin elasticity (hers), 50, 56, 57
smiling, 5–6
stairs for sex, 88, 113, 189–190. See also locations
standing sex, 88–91. See also sex positions
stomach “butterflies,” cause of, 14
stretch marks, 54, 57
Swayze, Patrick, 107
Index C 235
T
tanning, 50
teasing, 18–19, 35
teeth, during fellatio, 128–129
testosterone, 9
thrust technique, 155–156
during fellatio, 133
thumbs, 88, 149
during oral, 99
tiredness (hers), 87
tongue
on the clitoris (see cunnilingus)
for licking her nipples (see breasts)
used for kissing, 33, 34, 36–37
T-shirt study, 8
turn-offs, 39
236 C HOW TO BLOW HER MIND IN BED
turn-ons, 35, 40, 147, 169, 179
U
underwear, 59–61, 62. See also bra
V
vagina, location of, 100
vaginal
lips, 100
odor, 98–99
orgasm, 102, 156
tightness, 81–82
voice, 2, 135
Index C 237
W
walking the dog, for meeting women, 17. See also
locations
wrists (yours), 7–8
Y
you on top. See missionary; sex positions
f About the Author
Siski Green is Men’s Health magazine’s sex and relationships
writer. She has won writing awards two years
running while working at Natmag-Rodale publishing
company—one for best feature writer, and the other
for best editorial duo. Her no-nonsense attitude
and friendly, approachable tone make Siski’s writing
extremely popular with readers.
Learn the secrets to:
• reading her signal
yo ll be able to fi gu o t e actly how to blo er mind
• giving her what she wants and needs—
and you’ll get what you want, too!
• making sure she’s satisfi ed—
a woman who’s satisfi ed will enjoy sex more, and more often
With so many new ideas, you won’t be able to wait to try them
out—and neither will she!
signals—
you’ll figure out exactly blow her When a man really knows
what feels good to a woman . . .
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